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#371037 - 09/25/11 10:29 PM .
lady123 Offline

Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28

#371046 - 09/26/11 01:19 AM Re: Q for the survivors: therapy [Re: lady123]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Hello lady, great question.

Personally, I had an overwhelming self made emergency in '09 that demanded a few weeks of mandatory anger management counseling. The counseling created an empathy that touched the pain of the abuse. Almost immediately, I began csa recovery. I began to feel like there were more days filled with a neutral feeling, not sadness or anxiety, about nine months after, and true happiness, hope and joy about a year after I began recovery.

I did not go to a therapist. Research and resolution, a commitment to making me better for my family and myself drove me to challenge and breakthrough the abuse controls. While I did have some therapy for another issue in 2004-05, it did not break the surface of the abuse. I think, and this is my personal opinion, that the co dependent nature of this disorder creates an expectation that whoever is "Solving the problems" in my mind and heart become the controller in my life. I demand of them to "fix me". So I decided to "fix me", with these resources;

"Working with Adult Incest Survivors", Kirschner and Rappaport
"Evicting the Perpetrator", Ken Singer
"Leaping Upon the Mountain", Mike Lew

the Weekend of Recovery, instrumental in showing me the larger recovery picture.

Online support groups..,
The Round Table, and the Healing Circles that have in the past here in MaleSurvivor been instrumental in connecting me with other survivors, their struggles and accomplishments.


Edited by sasuva (09/26/11 02:06 AM)
Edit Reason: added WoR information
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#371050 - 09/26/11 02:44 AM Re: Q for the survivors: therapy [Re: lady123]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I decided to start therapy when my life became out of control due to my drinking. My drinking was definitely due to abuse Ė sexual, physical and emotional Ė but into my adult years it had taken on a life of its own and needed to be addressed before I could deal with my abuse issues in earnest. I am lucky to have a therapist who has training and experience working with people with addiction issues as well as survivors of trauma, male survivors of sexual abuse in particular, which Iíll talk more about when I get to your last question.

Itís hard to say how long it took for therapy to start making me feel happier since for me that depends on what Iím working on in therapy. Itís a bit like 1 step forward, 2 steps back since there are times where I really feel Iím making progress and am feeling stable then wham! something completely out of the blue sidelines me for a while. For example, lately Iíve been dealing with the effects of PTSD which I didnít experience before but now do since alcohol is no longer in the picture to dampen it all down. Perhaps Iím not the best person to ask since itís only been a year that Iíve been in therapy. That said, what sold me on it was wanting change in my life and finding a good therapist who began to help me achieve it.

I know I have a good therapist since like I mentioned above she is helping me achieve the positive changes I want in my life. Her training and experience with addictions and male survivors is invaluable but whatís most important to me is that I can trust her. That in itself says volumes since learning to trust people is my biggest issue.

I hope my answering your questions helps:)

Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And weíll change the world.

#371061 - 09/26/11 06:09 AM Re: Q for the survivors: therapy [Re: lady123]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lady

Thanks for the post.

It was 11 years between telling my gorgeous wife, and finally accepting the effects of CSA on my life.

I have not done therapy for CSA,I have done therapy for other problems, namely marriage.
What made me begin healing was alcohol, yeah I am a boozer, no revelations here. but it was only when I stopped self medicating, that I could begin to heal.

I lay around the house for four years as a dry drunk, before I went to my first AA meeting. I worked the steps and I am still doing it. It was only 7 months after I joined AA that I watched the Oprah show and.....WHAM... it finally hit me. I am a survivor of CSA. That was In MAY this year. Since may I have been on MS, read Co-Dependents no more, leaping on mountains, evicting the perpetrator, and more. The feel better aspect.... Instant, I finally started to understand why I had been such a jerk all my adult life.
Another great site for me is Amsosa Steve's information and insight on this site is tremendous.

My healing is my own work, much like Sam's

Good therapist, haven't found one. All the therapists in South Africa get this deer in the headlights look when you mention CSA. They change the subject pretty quickly, hence my quest to heal myself, and start a support group, for survivors, their families and for the therapists that don't know what to do. Watch out for MATRIX MEN, starting in South Africa in October

Thanks for the post.

Edited by whome (09/26/11 06:13 AM)
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#371062 - 09/26/11 06:09 AM . [Re: SamV]
lady123 Offline

Registered: 09/14/11
Posts: 28

#371096 - 09/26/11 04:54 PM Re: Q for the survivors: therapy [Re: lady123]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2716
Loc: durham, north england
Hi lady.

in my case, it was almost a reverse, sinse someone else actually pointed out that I'd experienced sa.

I'd been to an extremely dire school as a teenager, and nearly ended up commiting suicide due to sa and generalized bullying. People knew about the physical and emotional stuff and I was taken out of school two months earlier than I should've been by my parents.

I then experienced quite severe depression for a while but felt a lot better by the time I went to university.

it never occurred to me i'd experienced sa, until one morning when i screamed at my mum to get out of the bathroom where I was having a wash without my shirt, then appologized, only to have her casually remark that it was an understandable reaction given that I'd experienced rape.

This wasn't a word I'd ever used, not the least because the idea of several girls doing that to a boy is not a socially used one, stil that was in the past anyway. I knew where it was, I knew what I'd experienced, so it was okay and I didn't need to worry about it let alone seak help.

I then went to university, did a degree and a masters, and got on fine. yes, I didn't like crowds, I didn't like physical contact and my desire for a closer relationship with someone totally failed, ---- but nothing was wrong!

It wasn't until I experienced more depression in 2006-07, resulting in a major emotional crash in which I broke down in public after trying to hold hands with a girl that I suddenly realized what happened as a teenager was! having an effect on my life.

I then did a lot of batling with depression and writing on this site. I talked to a friend who was a counceller and had one or two discussions with the university counceling service. Mostly though how useful they were it depended upon who I got (one man was useless, though the lady I saw was more helpful), and eventually they just admitted they weren't the right people to help me with abuse, so put me onto a waiting list with a charity, ---- who never got back to me!

Ironically the best things i've found have been completely outside therapy, things like this site, the Mike loo workshop I went to, and most of all just working things through myself and indeed making some important decisions.

It seems to me therapy is just another tool. It can be good or bad depending upon the therapist, but ultimately it's just one more weapon in a recovering persons' armory, that they can use or not as is helpful. Most of all though, it's the commitment that matters!


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