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#370869 - 09/23/11 11:40 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: WalkingSouth]
NewSummer Offline

Registered: 09/02/11
Posts: 59
Loc: Surrey BC
I am gay and I am survivor. Period. I was born this way. It took me 42 years to accept the fact but it just is... I have spent to many years in shame and guilt to keep questioning why I am, and to accept that it just is. It is OK to be me. I am gay. To stop questioning why I am gay and accept it has cleared the way for me to deal with the pain of the abuse.

life is what happens while you make other plans- John Lennon

#370928 - 09/24/11 04:11 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: NewSummer]
MartinB Offline

Registered: 09/13/11
Posts: 22
Loc: New Jersey
I am not gay, but I believe men and women are born gay. I think those who were abused did not become gay but instead were abused in spite of their sexuality.

A man raping a male child is not gay sex, in my heterosexual opinion. Just as I would feel that a woman raping a male child isn't heterosexual sex either. It's pedophilia. You don't have to be gay or straight to be a pedophile, even if the abuser is the same gender as the child they are abusing.

This is why I think it is so important that people know who their kids are spending time around. Heterosexual women can also be abusers who perpetrate on female children. Sexual abuse knows no gender, nor sexual preference, nor religious, ethical, or racial status.

I'm glad for those who have come to terms with their sexuality. What kind of man would I be if I didn't think your level of love and commitment could be equal to my own?

Please call me Martin. One of my abusers would call me "Marty" and it just brings back too many awful memories.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.- Winston Churchill

#370941 - 09/24/11 06:55 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: MartinB]
zraver Offline

Registered: 09/23/11
Posts: 31
Loc: Conway, Arkansas
Who cares, born or chosen our sexuality is just part of who we are. Gay or straight doesn't matter unless your partner has different attraction. Other than that I've not found a single thing a straight man can do that a gay man can't and vice versa. We are built the same, to the same blue print by nature- some bigger, some smaller etc but all men.

How can some stuff last so long and be so fresh and yet I can't have that memory for good stuff.

#370987 - 09/25/11 04:04 AM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: zraver]
kinghenri Offline

Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 221
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Of course!!!!! silly :-)

"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

#370993 - 09/25/11 06:39 AM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: survivedwithlife]
Emotions Offline

Registered: 02/08/10
Posts: 4
Loc: NY
I would hope so. Sometimes I still struggle with the idea that maybe my abuse made me gay but I've never been attracted to women and I think I've known I was different since I was five I have no attraction to women at all so I've accepted, I'm closeted but I've accepted it.

#371030 - 09/25/11 08:26 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: Emotions]
weharry1959 Offline

Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 71
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
Yes! plain and simple is that anytime that anyone takes away your ability to say "no" either as a child or as an adult (regardless of gender) it is abuse. Just because you are gay, doesn't make it right or acceptable. I had an uncle who told me that because I had an erection and orgasm that I liked it and wanted it. I didn't and it's been a hard journey to accept that my body responded to stimulization like anyone else would. He also told me that I was queer or fag (terms from my era)and that it's what all queers/fags do. As a young boy/teen, I was really confused. I now know who I am and know that abuse is abuse. Don't allow others or yourself convince yourself that sexual abuse was inevitable. I would also like to share that I've read on this site, Adult Males struggling with Same Sex Attraction and that there is some discussion that Heterosexual men having those feelings maybe trying to place themselves in a control situation that was taken away from them while they were sexually abused. My best suggestion is for you to followup with Therapist and Hosts of this site or your therapist (if you have one). I am a married man, two kids, but have struggled with my abuse on so many different levels. what I've told myself and what I am are finally coming together.

Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

#371364 - 09/30/11 06:41 AM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: MartinB]
naturesprince Offline

Registered: 09/29/11
Posts: 1
a sexual abuser is dead in his/her soul so s/he cannot enjoy the treasure and plesures of ex-sensual world like love, peace, bliss, truth, purity, knowledge and power. To get them through their senses, they indulge into sexuality wherein the media is immaterial, and since children are innocent, easily available so they become victims. But such victimised children should not give up. Infact, they can enjoy as well as other's does, even sexually or asexually both ways, provided they remove their memories of past happenings. I feel, Godly Spiritual knowledge helps in this case. Some people have got it through meditation.

#405101 - 07/28/12 02:11 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: overcomer4life]
peacemaker67 Offline

Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 45
Loc: WI
I want this to be a neutral post to you my friend. You had commented on a different post I put up a short while ago.
I never had any type of what I will term misaligned feelings for other guys within my life until my abuse. I was a very happy young guy who had a lot of memories playing ball in gradeschool, etc. until it all began. I am pretty satisfied with my marriage to my wife of 20 years, although imperfect, but I feel so loved. She is so committed. Without her I feel abandoned. She is my best friend; the only one who ever has stayed truly by me besides my family. I am not going to try to speak for anyone else. I really appreciate your voice and expression of your journey and what I think is a good and fair representation of your pursuit of faith that you somehow must have been exposed to.
-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need". If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."

#405122 - 07/28/12 05:12 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: survivedwithlife]
bodyguard8367 Offline

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""

Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/27/14 12:31 AM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

#406132 - 08/07/12 10:47 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: survivedwithlife]
westsidej Offline

Registered: 12/04/09
Posts: 157
Loc: Minnesota
Howdy my brothers,

Thank you for these thoughtful replies. Since I have been in therapy for several years and have dealt with many of these issues, please let me add my two cents (or deux centimes pour mes amis francais).

I also was told by my abusers that since I was aroused by them that I must be gay and that it's natural to do these things with them. However, I also had many heterosexual desires from before and after the abuse that told me I also straight. Due to my abuse, I was totally unable to have a healthy relationship or even talk to girls in high school. It didn't help that I was a total dork and vocational electronics shop guy in high school either. wink

After I left high school and joined the military, I thought that I left behind everything from my CSA to my awful home life that was drug and alcohol filled since I can remember. Thankfully, I avoided that trap but pray for my brothers who succomb to self-medication and hope they can sober up and enjoy at least part of their lives. However, the ssa was there throughout my military career along with my inability to communicate and date women.

After the military, I met a few girls but thanks to my past, I sabotaged every hetero relationship I entered into. I also met a few guys for sex but never wanted to have any relationship with them, just nsa hook-ups.

While I never hated gay men, I definitely had some animosity towards them due to not dealing with my csa and I blamed them for my situation instead of my parents for not protecting me and the guys and girls who abused me sexually as a child and teen. Yes, there were several and my story tells more than these few paragraphs.

Thankfully, I was able to find a great woman who has stuck by me as I finally addressed all of my abuse from the past. Granted we did separate twice and almost divorced but it was finally at that point I sought the help of a therapist to deal with all of this bovine excrement.

She not only helped me but the both of us in couple's sessions, too. My therapist not only saved our marriage but also me from self-destructing on many levels. Thank God for finding her since I have read and talked to many of my CSA brothers that a good therapist is sometimes very hard to find.

Now, after decades, I am totally okay with the fact that I will always have SSA and be aroused thinking about oral sex with men just as I do with women. I have gay friends, had two lesbians perform at our wedding (get your mind out of the gutter...they sang and played the guitar ;), go to my wife's UU church which is chock full of gays/lesbians and could care less if someone's gay or straight. While I supported DADT, I still proudly serve side by side with and trust my gay and lesbian airmen to have my back. Well, maybe not every gay guy. wink Just kidding.

Even before I sought help for my CSA, I was always okay serving with gay men in the Navy but never told them my background. Maybe because I knew what they did and so there was no mystery to their homosexual activity. Looking back, I am proud that even though I was raped and horribly abused by older gay men, I was still okay hanging out with gay sailors and can't tell you how many times I took a shower in open bays with gay men during my military career. Yes, I checked them out and no, I didn't get an erection. wink

Of course, I love all of my gay and straight brothers here on MS and would hug you if I ever get the chance to meet you in person.

As I always say, I am about 85-90% and 10-15% bi. Obviously, due to my marriage, I am unable to act on any homosexual desires but probably would if my wife gave me the okay or when she's ready, I would like to have a MFM with a bi-male. I love my family and my wife and could never see myself having a gay relationship but am very tolerant of gays, lesbians and even polyamory. Not everyone's made for MF and I now understand that.

Take care and hope my words add to the discussion and are seen as positive and affirming since that's my intention.

Heal well and have a great week.


P.S. I also thank God that I have such a positive outlook given all that happened to me and that I don't take any drugs or drink too much alcohol.

Edited by westsidej (08/07/12 10:57 PM)
Edit Reason: grammar & additions
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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