Last night I had a dream that I was trying to help a team of two get a new heart to a patient at the top floor of an apartment complex. One person on the team is carrying a styrofoam cooler with "Advanced Medical Technology" on the outside. We had to use stairs on the outside of the building (think fire escape) and the stairs were rickety, stuff was blocking the way and I was throwing desks and other items off the stairs and into a pool below. I almost hit someone, but somehow just missed. It was a beautiful blonde woman in a bathing suit. As we go to the top floor a tiny infant maybe two-three months old fell through the bars and you could hear this thud and people gasping below. The family at the top floor (where I was heading) could give a shit what just happened. By the time I'm there, I know the baby is dead, I can't look over the edge and my purpose is gone, the team is gone, and I wake up feeling sick.

Before everyone psycho-analyzes the dream (it's not hard to see the imagery there and apply it to abuse), it's not the dream so much that bothers me. What bothers me is I woke up from this dream about 5:45 and couldn't go back to sleep and then here came this "dark cloud" i call it. I start to feel depressed and down, and it feels almost like 30 foot tsunami racing towards me in the distance, and I can feel myself sinking into this place of ugly, ugly shit. I'm thinking about the dream, this pit in my stomach that grows bigger and bigger and I'm sliding into hell.

For me, a big trigger is dreams. I know one theory about dreams is that they are way to process different scenarios that you are struggling with in waking life (to sort of prepare you for the real deal when and if it comes). My dreams are so vivid and so emotionally charged.

I'd like to know if anyone else has struggled with dreams pushing them into a dark place and finding it hard to shake the feelings. And, more importantly, what your "ah-ha" moment was that the power they had in your mind went away and they stopped -- i might be able to use something you learned for myself and slow down my 100 mph dreaming brain.

I did have a positive moment today for the first time ever that I wanted to share and it was only since coming here and talking to you all. About 6:30 I'm laying there and I feel like I'm racing the tsunami to stay ahead of it, depression coming on, anxiety, everything...and I suddenly remember one of the posts from yesterday where a guy said his track coach told him tolean into the pain to make it go away. I've never done I stop. I decide to just sit there and let it come, let it pour over me. Normally I would have eventually masturbated or surfed porn or something to get a "high" to escape this, but I didn't. And surprisingly enough, once I leaned into it, turned around and screamed "bring it on, I'm not afraid" a calm settled over me in about 10-15 minutes.

I'm a little tweaked still inside (kind of uneasiness I can't explain), but given where I thought I was going to end up today....I'll take it.