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#369905 - 09/11/11 11:27 AM re-therapy? anyone? (possible trigger)
Aptrick Offline

Registered: 06/26/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Nashville,Tennessee
So I entered therapy 8-9 years ago when my son had turned 5 and I started having flash backs of my long forgotten abuse. I never forgot the beatings & mental and emotional torture, it was that I couldn't face the truth about the sexual. I did individual therapy for about 8months and began a men's survivor group therapy for 1 1/2 years. When I decided to leave therapy, i told myself i could handle the rest. I felt guilty for spending each week in therapy and for taking so much me time. My wife never complained nor did my kids seem to miss me, I just kept telling myself that I was being selfish.
Now, here i am years later, still with the same deep self-hatred, and loneliness. Still not able to allow any sort of man past the stage of acquaintance, and I just so desperately want to be able to talk about 'it'. I just want to find a way to 'feel' like a real man, a normal guy. I miss those moments in college sitting around with a friend and talking about unimportant things into all hours of the night, not because you had any need to prove anything but because with each though shared, every philospy discussed, and the meaningful moments offered of each person became this bond of understanding, of brotherhood. I want that again except i want it deep enough to talk about anything, all the pain, all the past horrors, and come out on the other side as survivors with that bond of kinship. I have a younger brother who i did everything to protect from our childhood, and to this day he doesn't remember 'the bad times'. He doesn't understand why i won't talk to our father, especially since our mother's suicide. I am so devistated by his ignorance of my past- our past that i can't speak to him (it's been 5 years). But I remind myself that if he doesn't remember, then I did it. I did protect him, so that has to amount to something , right? If he has no knowledge of what happened to my, then i won in someway. I shouldn't be resentful to him because he grew up ok and got to have the normal life. But my point is I was thinking of shames me to not be able to find a way to deal with myself on my own, but i think I can't continue with my interal prison anymore. i am so tired of hating myself and feeling like I don't belong anywhere. i feel like a loser because I can't function like I know I should. Maybe part of my elevated insanity, is that my 13 year old son just started high school and it just keeps reminding me that was when the abuse became the most violent and frequent when my mother divorced my father and he blamed me for it, making me 'replace' her.
Has anyone else ever had to re-enter therapy? Do you ever find a way to fit in? to feel like a real man?

#369920 - 09/11/11 05:56 PM Re: re-therapy? anyone? (possible trigger) [Re: Aptrick]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa

Yeah man you won, you protected your brother, and he is safe and well.
Now it is your time, and this is the hardest thing to do on your own. So a little help can go a long way.
Think of it this way. Are you currently the best father and husband that you can be? Or is your past affecting the way that you are with your family.
If the past has a hold on you, then a little therapy time every week, in the long term, will be a lot better for the family than a compromised father.
I know that enough of my life was stolen, and I will do whatever it takes to make up for it, and be a whole complete Father and Husband.
Try get into a group and have peers as friends, you can share with them your successes and pains, and have an empathetic ear to help you through the tough times.

Heal well

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#369923 - 09/11/11 06:26 PM Re: re-therapy? anyone? (possible trigger) [Re: whome]
Dan99 Offline

Registered: 06/18/07
Posts: 147
Loc: Washington DC
Short answer: Yes. I've quit therapy and gone back and quit and gone back...

I tend to have little patience for therapy. So when I have a slowdown in progress, I usually take time away. I've gone back when the shit gets the best of me and I need to get my life moving again and can't manage it on my own. I think most therapists are pretty accepting that we all progress in our own way. In any case, each time I've returned I've always found great relief. So I hope you can take this as encouragement that it is worth returning if you need to. At this point, I don't see any shame in it. I view it like going to a mechanic to fix my car. I can change the oil on my own, but when it's really gummed up I let the pros work on it. Same with my head.

I just wanted to say about your story that I also had a brother who was abused along with me. He was older and in our case there was no protecting each other...but I sure as hell wish there was. We don't talk about it either, other than once when I raised it more than 20 years ago. I don't think we'll ever be comfortable with it, though we both damn sure know it happened. I guess my thought is that even if he does have some idea what happened to you, he may just be choosing denial. I've found a lot of people are like that. They just want to believe that all is well. But the bottom line is you did protect him, and for that you should be proud.

Take care.

Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.

#369924 - 09/11/11 07:54 PM Re: re-therapy? anyone? (possible trigger) [Re: Dan99]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Gotta tell you guys

I just recently found out that myself as well as my two older brothers were abused by different people. We only talked about it in the last month.
Life is to short guys, We have been apart and out of touch most of our Adult lives because of this crap. Don't let this stop you from having a life with your brothers, You can support each other.
We are now all starting to heal and work through issues, if you cant trust a brother to share your grief, then who can you trust.

Heal well

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#369926 - 09/11/11 08:16 PM Re: re-therapy? anyone? (possible trigger) [Re: Dan99]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Rips my heart to read your history, your self-sacraficing protecting your brother made me cry.
Martin is right, time to take care of your self.
I had bad results with conventional therapies and medicine. I survived a very violent abduction at 19 years old. Thirty years of untreated trauma and then four years ago l began talking.
I basically was beyond what most professionals experience. The body memories and psychosomatics alone blew them away and still plague me with some neurotic/psychotic events that have landed me in locksown.
Anyway, it was Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Biofeedback, seeking professionals that deal with the source, not the end results or symptoms.
I googled up professionals in my area that practice treating somatic disorders and a lot of re-learning to stop in the beginning of a hurtful thought, emotion or response/reaction.
One of them is a two year friend of mine of Facebook and we have moved beyond a client and therapist connection, heck l know her whole life also, Laura does NLP. Deanna does Biofeedback and survived a deadly sexual assault, the men who changed our lives are both in San Quentin state prison.
I was very lucky to have found these women, Deanna actually found me living in a barn after hearing about me.
These kinds of therapists gave me hugs, never watched the clock, gave me hours of phone calls and support free. They almost always sat with me, next to me and taught me how my spirit, mind and body can be diciplined and re-trained at the same time identifying and removing hurtful behaviors/thinking.
Some of the trauma had to be set aside untill l find the best therapy to provide permenate relief. Still looking for a professional do do the trama work dealing with the actual memories/terror l survived that night. No one has ever heard the full history of the event. best therapy is to fill the rest of my life with beauty, l moved to Hawaii and live off grid in the jungle and try not to use my brain as much as possible.
When l wake every night at odd hours in terror l get up and embrace the moment and ride it out, housemouse around and distract my mind with creativity and not pondering the painful past.
I truely believe some aspects of trauma and memories are healthy to suppress. Like everyday frustrations we normally have to suppress, l learned to stop visual, verbal and mental self-talk that l felt was revictimizing my self.
Hope your decision brings peace, understanding and comfort for you and your family.

Life is too long to be miserable for even a single moment.

Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

#369934 - 09/11/11 09:43 PM Re: re-therapy? anyone? (possible trigger) [Re: Aptrick]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
I can understand the two edged sword that is your relationship with your brother. All I can say sharing the real deal with my brothers allowed for so much healing for all of us. He may have been protecting you too. You will never know.

The more we find the courage to break thru the pain that never ends, the closer we are to getting back to where we would have been. But its a process not an outcome. Therapy is not over until it feels like its over. You wouldnt be re-entering T, its just a continuation on the road you want to travel.

My cognitive behavior T told me this week i dont need to see him anymore. He said to work the tools , trust your feelings. B4 I would have been scared to death. I knew he was right, somehow i just knew it. I will still go to my MS group this fall, that support is different. Find what works for you, know what you need.

Listen to your little voice, the boy is telling you what you have to hear.

My thougthts are with you.


The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011


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