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#369975 - 09/12/11 07:14 PM Re: Question About Shame [Re: Driftwood]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington
My uncle's modus operandi consisted of teasing and then denying...(to the point that often times after being with him I ended up with friction burns from hell)...

As a child...I had no idea that he was using a bait and switch as a form of erotic control...(he would manipulate and then a way of enticing me into servicing him)...This all leads to emasculation, forced feminization and erotic humiliation...(soul murder).

There were times after being with him...where I would go back to my room...(Where I was in control...)...I would masturbate myself and have extremely large and powerful orgasms...(mixes you up about what is good and bad...and further perpetuates thee cycle).

~Problem was~...I wasn't yet fully psychologically developed to emotionally handle something as heavy as this...

I was just a child....

I don't own one ounce of shame...(wash,rinse...repeat).

Veteran of the Psychic Wars (BOC)


Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#370024 - 09/13/11 05:52 PM Re: Question About Shame [Re: 1islandboy]
MartinB Offline

Registered: 09/13/11
Posts: 22
Loc: New Jersey

The shame we feel is often perpetuated by those who abused us as children. Often when children do something wrong shame follows in its footsteps. However, we know we didn't do anything wrong now, but back then did we really know that? I was often told that the abuse was my fault. Actually, one of my abusers used to whisper into my ear, while he was raping me "you're so smooth and pretty." To this day I have difficulty with those few words and it compounds my issues even more that somehow I am the one to blame because I was smooth and pretty.

This couldn't be further from the truth. Child abusers are very intelligent people and expert manipulators. Their hope is molding us into enough shame that the secret of the abuse will remain hidden. They care nothing about your feelings or my own. Their only motive is to hurt children and keep them quiet.

Eventually when we start to question that shame, we, in turn start re-defining our lives and what happened to us. We turn that shame around and place it where it belongs... on the abusers themselves.

Just remember that "shame" is a tactic abusers use to control us. Once we break free of those binds our lives will be important and we will understand our own level of dignity. The shame belongs to the persons who have no respect or regard for human life and the innocence of a child.

Don't ever give up. They don't have the power to control your life anymore.


Please call me Martin. One of my abusers would call me "Marty" and it just brings back too many awful memories.

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.- Winston Churchill

#370096 - 09/14/11 03:17 PM Re: Question About Shame [Re: Driftwood]
IrishDadTx Offline

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 53
Loc: Texas
Driftwood - I hear a lot of myself in your post. What stands out for me is this idea that somehow, if confront the shame, lean into it like the earlier post's track coach said, that literally, not figuratively, "all hell will break loose". I swear to God, I lived like that for 15 years. I still struggle sometimes with confronting shameful things for fear that I will be some overwhelmed that I'll "snap" and be a blubbering idiot, sucking my thumb in the fetal position in the corner and my wife will have me committed. Sounds nuts, but it's the truth. You say you have a persona to maintain, and maybe that's behind your fears of confronting this. I know that was mine.

I knew for years that the running, running, running (away from dealing with this shit) was only amplifying and magnifying the shame. But I didn't know what to do...Only since coming here and confiding in you guys have I "stopped" -- and talking about about it is making me realize I CAN handle it...I won't fall part...I will be fine.

I have full-body shivers siting here typing sometimes and just had one. The shivers usually come when I'm reading about shame/acting out issues and when I read about very small 2-6 year old stories. These shivers used to scare the shit out of me and I would run the other direction (disassociate, act out, whatever), but they don't now. It's just part of where I am and I'll makes sense of it all one of these days. I'm feeling more and more like I can accept anything now -- I have you all for support if I need it -- and I've stopped running and I'm now working on confronting all my issues, but especially shame. I had to make a decision to stop judging myself and I had to be able to accept the idea the idea that I was abused then, but I can heal now. Sounds easy to type, but another thing to believe.

Keith - your thoughts about realizing your were a crime victim have helped me a lot this morning, and hopefully others too.

My best Driftwood,

#370115 - 09/14/11 07:39 PM Re: Question About Shame [Re: Driftwood]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
But what I need to do is get those lenses off. How do I take them off? How do I get my own reality back?

Well there's the secret. It just takes time and perserverence to bring yourself back to reality. You are doing that here. You post the lies you have learned and your brothers here point them out and give you the truth. Taking that truth from your head where you now have it stored to your heart where you can live it out is the work you now have to do.

The guys on here are like mental mirrors. You can use them to see areas of your thinking that are blind spots. Lies if you will that you have accepted and tried to live out. Of course the lies do not work in reality hence the confusion and frustration. So when you come here and tell us what you think and feel we can look at that and point out what you are not seeing. Just like looking in that mirror at home to see if that cowlick is still sticking out in the back of your head or if the gravy is still trapped in your mustache. We need each other.

Some time back I had a huge blind spot in my character. Just didn't or wouldn't see it for what it was. Finally I was able to listen and see it and correct it and my life is a lot more peaceful now. Left alone I would have continued to make bad choices based on a false premise and continued to frustrate myself in life.

Glad you are here. Looking at you helps me see things in me too.


Edited by Freedom49 (09/14/11 07:40 PM)

#370142 - 09/15/11 03:21 AM Re: Question About Shame [Re: Freedom49]
Driftwood Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Thank you, guys.

I feel like Iím moving toward the place some of you have already gotten to. I trust that someday I will no longer own even one ounce of shame, as Island says, and come to feel the kind of dignity MartinB is talking about.

IrishDad, Iíve had similar kinds of experiences. Iím not prone to panic attacks, but when I started confronting this shame thing, trying to get a handle on it, Iíve had some doozies. Once I was shaking so bad I had to sit on a bench (public place), trying to breathe. The odd thing was that part of me was fascinated watching the whole thing happen. I think that undercut the fear enough that I was able to stand and then start walking. I made it home, but there were some terrifying moments there.

I agree with you that itís a decision we make, to stop judging ourselves. When I first started coming to this site, someone wrote to me: ďI have come to the realization that I need to love myself, regardless of what I may have done in the past or will do in the future. Having more positive thoughts, even if I have to fake them, helps me to not act out as much. My having negative thoughts, shame and guilt, only fuels the compulsion by damaging my self esteem.Ē Itís easier to type those words, though (as you say), than to live that out.

Thanks, Roger, for sharing your wisdom. It feels like a journey back to reality for me. Much of what I learn is all in my head, though. I get things, intellectually. I know it wasnít my fault, all the things i did for attention as a kid (including the sex I had with older men, even when I initiated it). You really struck a note for me in saying that the work now is for me to move it from my head to my heart where I can live it out. Iíve had brief glimpses of that. Itís real work to keep after that. But having made even just a tiny bit of progress has me excited and hopeful to someday start liking and respecting myself again.

You guys help me so much.

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