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#369304 - 09/02/11 10:26 PM Re: Lust or Love? Please Help!!! [Re: hopeandtry]
Rowan Offline

Registered: 08/30/11
Posts: 8

Dear Sam,

I wanted to thank you again for your response. I read it again this morning and I heard you. The other day I thought I understood and now I realize that I didn't. I can be rather slow in times of stress and I don't want to discourage anyone from attempting to help me in the future. I am coming to terms with the reality of my situation and I think that for myself and my boyfriend (because therapy isn't what he wants) dear friends may be an option we should seriously consider.

Lately, my relationship with my boyfriend is on the verge of jumping in or getting out. It is changing for what I would call the worse and I see that it isn't either one of our faults. Although between the two of us I may be the less broken, it doesn't mean I came into this relationship without my own issues. I am realizing that truth in interacting with him.... my own insecurities, fears of abandoment, need for control, looking to him for my own self worth. His re-emergence into my life has brought a mirror to my face and I am gaining insight albiet, slowly.

I gave him this website address and he's told me that he has checked it out. I am rethinking my decision to use my real name and not an alias (dimwit) but, this is new and I am learning as I go. He still doesn't want to go to therapy but maybe if he gets comfortable coming here (in time) he'll feel differently.

Sam, I can only hope my Sweetheart finds the hope and healing that you have. With how gracious and helpful you and everyone who has responded to my post and pm'd me, I have no doubt that when or if he shows up here, he will be among friends and people who want to help.


#369335 - 09/03/11 03:21 PM Re: Lust or Love? Please Help!!! [Re: Rowan]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
The non sexual stuff is probably a better gauge of true intimacy.

I think that is true in any relationship csa or not.

#369417 - 09/04/11 04:45 PM Re: Lust or Love? Please Help!!! [Re: sugarbaby]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5972
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA

You will not discourage anyone here, you are a supporter, you are special.

Triggers beget triggers, in that when one is triggered and withdraws, unresolved triggers in another can flair up and confuse a situation, thus creating a cycle that overwhelms the true feelings of love and intimacy between two people in love.

You are attempting to resolve the most dynamic part of abuse recovery issues, Rowan. This Is going to be difficult. Consider stabilizing the situation by solidifying your expectations and involvement in this relationship, and not going any further. Begin to calm yourself with self affirmative mantras, relaxation and breathing techniques. You will notice that you are more stable and that he cannot take control of your rudder, so to speak, and you may become more available for him and his issues.

Certainly Rowan and "J", you are among friends, confidants, supporters and fellow survivors,


MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#369558 - 09/06/11 05:12 AM Re: Lust or Love? Please Help!!! [Re: SamV]
Rowan Offline

Registered: 08/30/11
Posts: 8

Eldee and Sugarbaby agreed that the non-sexual stuff is probably a better gauge of true intimacy and I would agree.

If we were dealing with men who knew the difference between true intimacy and sex, I wouldn't had to post this topic. Sex and compulsive picture asking isn't what I consider true intimacy either. That is why I was getting so offended by the gradual change in our relationship. It is why I confronted him and what has him spinning now. Because of the abuse, to him (perhaps) this the only way he knows to connect with me in a do-able way. Love and all the strong emotions that come with it, is just too much for him to give even on a good day. After reading Sam's response, that is kind of what I got from it.

He was confused to why I was upset with him. After explaining why I was upset and pointing out specific instances he said he could see it now but didn't until I pointed it out. He didn't deny that he meant it or didn't mean it. He Is questioning if it has been love or lust because he said he doesn't know himself well enough to know. Maybe the "other stuff".... at least for him..... doesn't necessairly mean the same to us.

Maybe the truth is.... A man who has been sexually abused as a child doesn't ever allow himself to open his heart enough to truly love anyone. He doesn't know how until he gets help. Maybe when they say they love us what they mean (at least by our standards) is they have fond feelings towards us. In retrospect, he has always thrown walls between us... over working, avoiding, hiding, and keeping me out of his personal life as of late.... he has never let go long enough to let me over that wall (or trust me) long enough to even get to know who I truly am.... or allow me to know who he truly is... he doesn't even know who he is. The ironic part is that I've already seen the scars and they didn't scare me away. He can't love me until he loves himself.


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