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#369142 - 08/30/11 10:05 PM Thank You All
NotThereYet Offline


Registered: 08/30/11
Posts: 2
I just wanted to thank all of you for sharing your stories in this forum. About a year and a half ago, I was repeatedly sexually assaulted by a trusted male friend. The assaults continued for four months because I was too embarrassed to tell anybody what was happening. I work in a field where reputation is very important, and I felt like no one would understand how a heterosexual grown man could end up in such a situation. My assailant knew that and kept threatening to tell an exaggerated version of the actual events in order to ruin my life. In hindsight, I should have figured out that he was bluffing because he was a closeted gay man with an extensive history who had more to lose by being exposed than I did.

It took the support of a few close friends for me to finally gain the strength to get out of the situation. After I confided in them, they rallied around me and let me know that they did not think of me any differently. They supported me as I finally ended the dysfunctional friendship. A few days later, I told my family. They were most upset that I was afraid to tell them what had been happening. However, they were also talking about how much they wanted to inflict bodily harm against my assailant. I talked them out of it because I did not want anyone willingly ruining their futures for me.

I wish I could say that things have been better since then, but they haven't. I was in therapy for several months, but it began to place too much strain on my budget so I stopped going. My family and friends have since become very protective over me. While I appreciate their concern, I miss the days when people actually trusted my judgment. I miss the days when I could actually trust my own judgment. I used to be confident and self-assured. Now, I second guess myself on just about everything. I still have nightmares about him coming back into my life in some way. (We have one mutual acquaintance who somehow managed to take his side after hearing about the assaults and we still live in the same metropolitan area so it is a possibility.)

I am also afraid of getting into relationships because in my racial community, people are pretty ignorant about matters like these. I have this recurring thought that I will meet the perfect woman who will end up dropping me once she finds out what happened. My therapist and one of my ex-girlfriends both told me that this recurring thought wasn't realistic. If "the perfect woman" really loves me, then she will be able to handle everything that comes with me. (I even told one of my friends the same thing when he was concerned about his ability to find a woman who could handle his past.) However, as my name suggests, I'm not there yet. I definitely have a long way to go, but reading all of your stories and seeing the way that you all have been healing suggests that I will get there someday.

NotThereYet


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#369143 - 08/30/11 10:18 PM Re: Thank You All [Re: NotThereYet]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
NotThereYet,

Welcome to MS though I am sorry you need to be here. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. We have so many thoughts that plague us in the aftermath of a sexual assault. So many thoughts that hinder us from making decisions for ourselves. And we do tend to expect the worst from others if they were to discover the truth about us concerning our assaults. I am glad you had the courage to overcome those thoughts and reach out to family and friends. You have good members in both groups to have offered the support they have given you. That took a lot of courage on your part. I am so glad you received a lot of compassion from them.

Learning to trust myself has been an interesting journey and I am still on it. It is not an easy thing to do after going through what we had to endure. But I think with time and hard work we can trust ourselves again.

I am very glad to see you on this forum and hope you share anytime with what is on your heart and mind. You will find some very good men here.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#369149 - 08/31/11 01:00 AM Re: Thank You All [Re: prisonerID]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
NotThereYet...

Sorry to hear what happened to you...but glad you are here with us. I hope you find healing.

I too have trouble trusting myself and my own judgement...it takes time...

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#369166 - 08/31/11 07:58 AM Re: Thank You All [Re: prisonerID]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey NTY-

Welcome to MS-part of the path from isolation to recovery and a community of men who share the same experience of sexual abuse.

Violence, grooming, coercion- they all robbed us of a sense of safety and self-our job is reclaim what was taken.

Uiu may be not there yet-but you are on your way!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#369205 - 08/31/11 10:35 PM Re: Thank You All [Re: Mountainous Buck]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 124
Loc: Long Island, NY
Hey Not There,
Welcome to MS. To be truthful, I think you are more "there" than you realize, simply because you have admitted to yourself - and others - what happened. That's a huge step, and the most important.

You are also short-changing yourself in the self-confidence area, I see. I understand. I lost that, too, and on the outside I never wanted it to show. I was too macho for that. But remember that you are not to blame for what happened. You were coerced, threatened perhaps, blackmailed or otherwise.... it was all wrong and not your fault. Sometimes I still struggle with that and other issues, but less and less often.

Have hope. You're in the right place. PM me anytime.

Oriolesguy

PS. My story is here. Give it a read if you're so inclined.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...1634#Post261634


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#369215 - 09/01/11 04:16 AM Re: Thank You All [Re: oriolesguy]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Hey Not There Yet,
Glad you found this site and didn't keep the secret for decades, untreated trauma messed many lives here, but the truth will set you free.
The men here help me so much.
Sad to read what happened to you, l hope you gain the peace, comfort and understanding all of us here seek.
your bro, Doug

_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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