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#368957 - 08/26/11 08:44 PM forgiving the victim
Pie Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
I have traveled the isolated road as the wife of a survivor for more years than I care to count. How does one begin to forgive the victim of sexual abuse when they constintly enflict pain and suffering on those that love them the most? I ask this because I am slowly getting tired of the excuses, the broken promises,the emotional and verbal abuse, the lack of empathy, the acting out, the lies and the manipulation. I have cried more tears over my husbands loss of innocents, than he has, despised his perps, won't even allow one of them(a family member) near my child. And yet at this point I am begining to hate him more than I have hated anyone. It hurts that I have been brought to this point through no fault of my own and truth be told its not really his fault either. Need to learn to forgive the hurts before another family is ruined.

#368960 - 08/26/11 10:38 PM Re: forgiving the victim [Re: Pie]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Pie

Odd that's my nick name for my wife.
Sorry that you are suffering like this.
It seems that your husband has not sought healing from his CSA. Unfortunately, if he does not seek healing then the bad behavior will continue. It is sad, and I wish that there were some way for you to bring him to this realization, but alas he needs to find this for himself.
The most important factor in this equation now is YOU. You need to start taking care of yourself, you need to start putting yourself and the children first. It seems harsh but this is a fierce reality.
If your Husband is drinking then he needs to get into AA.
It is really hard because there is no definite answer to this problem, It is one that needs to be dealt with on GUT feelings. You are in the situation and you are the only one able to make a judgement call.
Arm yourself with all the information that you can get your hands on about dealing with CSA. Ask questions on the site, and read books.
Get into an Al Anon program to help yourself, and learn about Co dependance, there is a book called "Codependent no more". These are tools that will help you to take care of yourself first, only then can you attempt to help your husband.

All the best in your Quest Pie


Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#368965 - 08/26/11 11:54 PM Re: forgiving the victim [Re: whome]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
I think I forgive him more easily now after knowing about the abuse (or rather, after learning about the effects of the abuse maybe). I don't take it as personally as I used to. However, it is still hard. I still get really angry sometimes, get exasperated with the lack of empathy, etc. Reading about codependency helps as well as a group like Al Anon or one of the other 12-steps for loved ones of alcoholics, sex addicts, or whatever. If not a 12-step, at least try reading the book Martin suggested. I'm not great at taking care of myself yet, but I'm getting better.

#368975 - 08/27/11 07:03 AM Re: forgiving the victim [Re: hopeandtry]
Pie Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Whome you made me smile for the first time in a long time with referance to the name, got it because I always mess up when baking, but I soon realised you can't use the nickname in anger, so I embraced it. Back to the advice, thank you! He has been in therapy and is still in therapy, maybe this is why I am so frustrated? When I focus on myself, the situation gets worse,when I think we have reached new levels of healing, it all comes crashing down like a house of cards. I am also in therapy, one day I will walk in feeling like I can conquor the world, the next day my therapist is scrambling to put the pieces back together. In order to maintain my husbands dignity I have not discussed this with anyone else. Maybe I should? How long does healing take? What do I prepare for next? Far too many questions and too few answers? I have done a 12 step program, a couple of times each time it gets a bit better. Done lots of reading and understand the co dependancy, will get the recomended book. The hurt today has turned to a physical pain in my chest, can't bear it any longer! If it weren't for the little one I would have left years ago. Thanks again for listening.

#369224 - 09/01/11 01:40 PM Re: forgiving the victim [Re: Pie]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
How does one begin to forgive the victim of sexual abuse when they constintly enflict pain and suffering on those that love them the most?

I don't know. I don't think I have forgiven him.

I have looked very hard at myself though and there I found some areas where I needed to do some work. through that work i have found more peace with it all.

#369229 - 09/01/11 02:21 PM Re: forgiving the victim [Re: sugarbaby]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA

Resetting ourselves after a confrontation, an argument, a fight, discussion, "evil eye", raised voice, low voice, terse expression and all the other lovely things we do as a survivor supporter couple, is Absolutely necessary.

When we let go, when we calm ourselves with pointed mindfulness, calming quotes and phrases, we remind our minds and hearts what it is to be completely relaxed. I mean the wide shouldered, neutral neck position, slight smile relaxed of a body just out of a spa, jacuzzi, warm day/cool breeze relaxed that makes our bodies smile. We forget how to relax, how to refresh and reward ourselves.

I suggest, a three day long weekend woman's retreat. There may be some in your area, and if they are not available right away, preparing for one is a positive anxiety, and that is not as idiocentric as it would seem, it is a necessity. If you had this kind of work load you experience at home at a job, you would be given time off, a couple days a week.

You have earned it, Pie, do not let guilt nor anxiety overwhelm a positive action.

When you have 15 minutes Start Here, Do This

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#369246 - 09/01/11 08:06 PM Re: forgiving the victim [Re: SamV]
Pie Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 61
Thank you to everyone who responded. Your advice and kind words are really appreciated. Will plan the ladies weekend away shortly! Thought about it and why not, brilliant advice!

I guess its time to let yesterday go and embrace the moment I am in!

May we all be blessed with clarity and understanding!


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

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