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#368739 - 08/23/11 01:45 PM New and Lost
Vanessa 39 Offline

Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 7
Last year I got out of an abusive relationship with my husband that has been going on for about 23 years. I was totally determined not to date EVER. In October I meet a man and we instantly hit it off. We started dating in December and have been together ever since. I love him very much and he is wonderful.

His relationship history was kind of odd. He was in a long term relationship for about 5 years and had a son. She cheated and left him. There have been several other instances where he was with someone for a period of time and they cheated and left. He also dates someone for a few months - becomes totally emersed in their life and then he says "i just wasn't feeling it"

The problem is sex. From the start I felt that something was wrong. We have been together for 9 months and proably have had sex 10 times. When we first met he was so passionate - kissing touching, etc. that lasted for two dates and that person totally disappeared. We waited almost a month to have sex and then after that first time three months went by. He has stated that it is not me that he wanted to take "baby steps". Well over the last couple of months it has begun to eat away at me. When I would try to initiate sex with him he would come up with every excuse in the book. I can't stay over, I only like to have sex in the morning, my back hurts, etc. He doesn't even touch me - ever.

Someone close to him has told me this week that he has "a secret" - he has been abused. I don't know specifics but this all makes sense now.

I don't know what to do. Before I found this out i have been considering breaking it off with him. it just hurts to much. I feel insecure, lonely,angry, ugly, not a woman. How can a man that I love so much not want to have sex with me. When I'm with him I think about it all the time. I long to be kissed and touched but it doesn't ever happen. My heart is broken and after what I've been through I just can't handle any more stress. I am ready to crack - BUT I FEEL SO SELFISH. i don't know what he's been through. I don't know how hard it is for him - I haven't walked in his shoes. What right do I have to ask for sex from someone who has been hurt so badly? But yet why wouldn't I ask for sex from the man that I love - and who loves me back?

Of course he has not divulged this to me so I will not say anything. That person really shouldn't have told me but she can see that we are drifting apart. I just don't know what to do. I cannot picture a life without intimacy but i feel guilty and selfish. And i do love him very much but I'm starting to get angry and bitter. For the first time in 9 months I did not want to see him on Sunday - a day we usually spend together - I just feel drained. and not to mention that I have other men who are constantly trying to get me to go out with them, etc. But that's not what I want at all - I want the man I love. It's not the act of sex and I've told him this 100 times - It's the connection with him that I need so badly - i don't think I can do this anymore.

#368740 - 08/23/11 01:54 PM Re: New and Lost [Re: Vanessa 39]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
hmmm - the history of women who cheated and left sounds a lot like my H.

"I feel insecure, lonely,angry, ugly...." probably they did as well. I know I did.

Maybe try some couples therapy.

#368741 - 08/23/11 02:01 PM Re: New and Lost [Re: sugarbaby]
Vanessa 39 Offline

Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 7
I am so open to couples therapy but the problem is that he will not admit that there is a problem. He thinks our sex life is just fine and we don't get to have sex often due to "bad timing" I said to him - "well if it was important to you than you would make the time - and how would you feel if an important part of our relationship was missing for you and for 9 months you have been asking me to make a change and nothing has happened" he usually gets a little defensive and changes the subject. Even when i told him that I cannot live in a relationshp with no sex he has not changed anything - I didn't realize that it was becuase he is doing his best and is probably sinking.

#368746 - 08/23/11 02:31 PM Re: New and Lost [Re: Vanessa 39]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
I know with my H he said that he 'felt safe' with me. Mostly because, and I had no idea about this, he had had a lot of performance issues in his past.

If a female made him feel rushed into sex he had similar feelings as when he had been abused. Since he is a fantastic looking guy he had a lot of that type of female attention so it became a huge problem for him. I was the opposite and it was different for him.

He probably is sinking. How old is he?

#368747 - 08/23/11 02:42 PM Re: New and Lost [Re: sugarbaby]
Vanessa 39 Offline

Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 7
he's 36 going on 37

According to him I am "the one" and he has never felt like this -and I felt him change as soon as he started to love me he pulled away a little and that's when we went three months without sex. I knew there was a problem - just didn't know what so I gave him that space. So basically what happened was he would get to know someone and by the third or fourth month find fault in them and break up - but the real reason was the whole sex thing - i don't think anyone else stayed around after the first three months and just bailed. But with me - becuase i was coming from such a bad relationship myself that sex was so scary for me but now it isn't becuase I love him so much and i feel safe with him. so now he is a mess because he loves me and he can't bail becuase of it - but he also can't change his feelings about sex.

#368752 - 08/23/11 06:26 PM Re: New and Lost [Re: Vanessa 39]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Vanessa Hi

Welcome to the site, and sorry you need to be here.

First point is has the BF told You about the CSA.
Second point, if he is a survivor, he will say and do just about anything that he thinks you want to hear.
third, you are already down from the last encounter, RUN GIRL RUN.

It is noble to want to take on this challenge, but I am now entering my 22nd year with my wife and have finally said that if she feels the need she should leave me.
It is the hardest thing that a woman must go through. I have realized that I will always have an issue, and that healing from this monster is probably a lot harder than anticipated.

I cannot face hurting this woman any more and have offered her her freedom. Whether she takes it, I don't know. Personally, I think she should.

This is not your fault and I dont think that you should be obliged to take on this burden, especially if he has not admitted the abuse, this means that he isnt even ready to face it yet.
Just my humble opinion


Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#368755 - 08/23/11 06:48 PM Re: New and Lost [Re: whome]
Vanessa 39 Offline

Registered: 08/23/11
Posts: 7
Thank you for your opinion Martin - it is a point well taken and much appreciated. After 22 years of unhappiness do I want to take on anymore? I actually don't think I can. He has not admitted the abuse yet - he may never. I know that if I choose to stay in this relationship I can be supportive but I cannot fix him - it's all up to him at this point. The hardest pill to swallow is to know that I will never be happy - I know that it is not my fault but it still makes me feel selfish.

And if the group doesn't mind me asking - do people get better?

#368766 - 08/23/11 09:58 PM Re: New and Lost [Re: Vanessa 39]
aloved1 Offline

Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Martin, one thing you have told us partners on this forum that I have seen to be so true is that if survivors do NOT get help, things may progressively get worse. Thank you for always being so honest and never sugar coating life with a survivor.

Vanessa, I was with my bf for four years and while there were times things were ok, even good, it was always a matter of when the ball was going to drop. And then, as he refused to get help, things only seemed to get worse. The distance. The emotional disconnect. The lack of boundaries. The list goes on. I felt as if I was aging in that house and it hit me like a ton of bricks how nothing was going to change unless he sought help. I could NOT imagine going on for 10+ years. I do not feel like I gave up on him...I feel as if he gave up on himself. I am good knowing that he knows I am still here for him, with love and care, but I cannot live or be with him in a relationship type way. Not as things were going. I continue to wish him health and happiness. Everyone deserves that, but I could not be the one to fix him. Good luck on your journey, Vanessa...

#368769 - 08/23/11 10:33 PM Re: New and Lost [Re: aloved1]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
You may be able to find a way to confront him without actually saying that you know about the abuse. If he refuses to talk about it or get help for this issue (whether or not he discloses), then you will have to decide whether to leave or not. I'd say give it a little more time and see if he'll get help or something and if he doesn't, then you can leave knowing you did what you could. Just my opinion. Also, PM me and I can tell you some more things that I'd rather not post here.

#368847 - 08/25/11 05:02 AM Re: New and Lost [Re: hopeandtry]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

Do you know enough about male survivors of CSA to be making a leave/don't-keave decision?

Not judging you...I would just hope you seek expertise via books and such LONG before such a move.

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