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#370972 - 09/25/11 01:11 AM Re: gender identity issues [Re: dark horse]
Celtaf Offline

Registered: 07/02/11
Posts: 23
Originally Posted By: dark horse
My CSA that I had to endure has caused me not only to have the usual fallout one gets from a traumatic experience but also something that has been bothering me for the past 45 years that no one seems to be able to help, and until now I have been too embarrassed to mention. Thanks to my father, ever since I could remember and even to this day I have always felt disgust at being male and have had fantasies, intrusive thoughts and wishes that I was born a female. I know that sounds f'd up but it causes me a lot of anxiety. All throughout my life, the only friends that I have had were female. I have a constant fear and distrust of men which is maybe why i am more comfortable around females. It is NOT in a sexual sense but more of i am 'one of the girls' sense. I like doing 'girly' things, watching 'girly' movies, wearing clothes that are considered to be more 'girly', however i dont crossdress or anything like that. My wife always gets on my case for not having any guy friends and only female friends, and I have been teased unmercifully (by other guys )throughout my life because of being feminine, being called names like pussy, sissy, girl, cunt, etc. It also doesnt help that my parents gave me a girl's name (i think deep down they wanted a daughter). Many times i am able to find comfort being feminine even with the embarrassment and teasing. If anyone else has been affected in this way it would be nice to know that i am not alone or a freak of nature.

I am humbled by your courage and honesty. I wanted to post something similar but had too much of a sense of shame to even write about it to strangers. You're not the only one. I was called the same names at school, was beaten up and had stuff stolen from me on purpose, was humiliated in front of others. I became tough in response and I've felt though that shame all my life. I've struggled with my sexual identity all my life. Thank you for posting this. I know it is you showing others your pain and suffering and I just wanted to say I respect you a lot and appreciate a lot you having the courage to write this.

#371725 - 10/05/11 02:05 PM Re: gender identity issues [Re: Sailboat92]
peculiarstar Offline

Registered: 11/28/10
Posts: 14
Loc: Stuart, Florida USA
I have a parallel existence. I'm not woman trapped in a man's body, I'm a shell with a woman and man trapped inside that facade. On the outside, I'm whatever I need to be to satisfy the situation at hand. That battle between the parties within me never ceases, it only intensifies as a get older.

#371728 - 10/05/11 02:20 PM Re: gender identity issues [Re: EdfromNYC]
peculiarstar Offline

Registered: 11/28/10
Posts: 14
Loc: Stuart, Florida USA
I don't think it matters if I was born a certain way, or drawn in to a perverted/freakish sexual/social life by my horrid upbringing. The reality is that my last 40 years I will never get back, and the confusion/shame/pain continues. I've been trying to figure who I am for a long time and I still don't know. I know the truth of today. I've alienated everyone who attempted to get close to me, and I may never find a healthy relationship because I don't know what one is. Despite how I feel, I still hold out the hope (and always have) that there will be something better if I keep working and trying. "You are a survivor, you'll be OK." People tell me this everytime I hit an emotiional valley. I don't want to be a survivor anymore. I want to be a person who lives, like most of the people I've ever known.

#371776 - 10/06/11 03:50 AM Re: gender identity issues [Re: peculiarstar]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

We all have to deal with our often conflicting emotions & feelings.

The confusion, shame & pain does not belong to us. (easier said than done) I know.

I was always a gay boy/man in my emotions & feelings for my boyhood male friends. Those other boys in the orphanage/Home that I was in. My military buddies. Right up to this day.

I know and accept who I am. As I was taught in Catholic school, I was a precious gift from God to my parent(s) (delivered to the wrong address) made in HIS image and likeness.

I am what I am, a human being made by God who just happens to be Gay.
It's no longer an issue for me anymore, as I didn't know me until now.

Heal well, my brothers whatever sexuality you are, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.


Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#393122 - 04/12/12 02:47 AM Re: gender identity issues [Re: dark horse]
Matthew Broderic Offline

Registered: 04/11/12
Posts: 1
Dark, I identify with what you are saying very much. I truly believe that having been abused and dominated in such a way, that I was totally emasculated and identify as a girl to this day. I did not always feel that way, but after my abuse, I feel like my life and gender were forever altered. I did my best and still try to present as a male, but I know that within, I am one of the girls. I dress like a female when I can, because I sadly that is how I truly feel and identify. I fantasize about men, (but don't believe I am attracted to them, or females for that matter.) as I dream of being dominated by men, any man for that matter. I am not sure if I can ever go back to being masculine, or just have to adjust to life after the abuse. I wish you only joy and peace on your journey of healing.

#393260 - 04/13/12 03:48 AM * [Re: dark horse]
Smalltown80sBoy Offline

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 2217

Edited by Smalltown80sBoy (04/28/13 09:14 PM)

#393292 - 04/13/12 11:37 AM Re: gender identity issues [Re: Smalltown80sBoy]
EdfromNYC Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 334
Loc: New York City
For me, my identity conflict wasn't a result of my abuse; rather, it contributed to my abuse. My identity conflict made me feel like I didn't identify with men/boys nor did I really identify with women/girls. I was lost, alone and extremely vulnerable and like all little boys, I needed a man's guidance, attention, love, affection, affirmation and valuation of my worth. I didn't get it and my identity conflict caused adult men in my life to shun me to a certain extent which is exactly the opposite of what I needed. If anything, I needed more attention/affirmation than a so-called normal boy which I no longer see as "wrong" but just my way of being.

Instead of getting attention and love and truly getting shunned and shamed, I was extremely vulnerable to predators. A predator found me and took me in my confusion and only added to it by sexually molesting me and leading me to believe that it was what I wanted, it was my doing, I contributed to it (since it felt good) and that it was some form of answer to my problem about not feeling connected. After that abuse, I thought my connection to men was through sex and I spent much of my teenage years being abused but not realizing it.

I devised a odd, secret, private world of thinking I was getting my needs met by acting out sexually in one compartment of my life, trying to act like a regular guy in another compartment of my life and in another compartment, having (too) many female confidants/friends. No one knew me, no one knew I was being used sexually, no one knew how many different facets of life I was juggling. I worked hard to control what everyone knew about me, and I had no intimate friends. It gradually crashed over the years and it had to happen and now I'm finally putting all the compartments into one full picture.

I write this to identify with the gender identity issues that some of us (but definitely not all of us) share. I am in this particular group of men on here. I was ashamed of this fact but I am not anymore. I am one of those very sensitive boys who suffered the shame of being very sensitive and being looked at as less than because of it. I took a mental path that told me that secretly I was actually better than other men due to my sensitive nature but that was wrong, too. Its not better or worse, it just is and that is what I work toward - self acceptance and self worth. (An aside - I do wonder if this extra-sensitivity is some sort of mechanism developed early in life to let me hide out from perceived male rejection and loll in my feelings and find some sort of superiority to avoid feeling rejected.)

This identity issue stuff is very difficult and full of land mines, internal and external. Many people have opinions on how to be a man and it can be awfully hard to find your own values, own voice if from an early age, people, especially men, were basically telling you that your voice, your perspective, is wrong and worthless. Talk about creating self-doubt! Being sensitive is also considered a somewhat feminine value so of course there was some comfort-seeking in that refuge of women but it wasn't really satisfying and it only contributed to more disdain from men. It was a cycle of hate from the outside that became confusion inside and then a recreation of the hate cycle in my life. Ugh. I feel like this last paragraph was messy but I like I leave it as is.

I have my experience with this issue and I am just adding my voice (again).
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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