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#368380 - 08/18/11 05:26 AM (Intro) Invisable, do you see me?
pcg514 Offline


Registered: 08/17/11
Posts: 4
Loc: L.A.
My name is Patrick this is my story...

My abuse started roughly around the time I entered the 1st grade. My mother had just remarried (her now 2nd husband) that summer, and traded our city pad for Tom's house in the deep suburbs. Too young to stay home by myself, I got shuffled off with Mary, a neighborhood lady who ran an in-house daycare business for local parents that worked all day.

Mary's oldest son Matt & his best friend John who lived across the street (both junior college freshmen), would watch the kids in the afternoon while she would leave & run errands in town, only to re-appear just before the parents arrive to pick us up.

I was kept in her locked basement before and after school, and only allowed upstairs when parents or perspective clients were over. The violent physical abuse would start when Mary left everyday to run errands. Once the vibration of the garage door shifting stopped, I would start counting the sound of Matt's footsteps, 17 total from the kitchen to the basement. John would stay upstairs as his decoy until Matt was done, then they would switch.

John would come down right after to "make sure i was ok". He started by offering to give me a message, be my friend. When he was finished playing out his sexual fantasies on me, he'd reminded me not to say anything or he would tell Matt. Over the next 4 years I tried confiding to my mother what was happening, but she didn't want to hear about it or see it. The physical & sexual abuse escalated, and lasted through out my 5th grade year.

My last day in the basement, Mary was gone, Matt just finished (trying to pull all my hair out because he got an bad exam score) and accidentally left the door open. I crept up that stairwell, through the kitchen side door, ran as fast as I could, and never looked back.


I've never shared this story with anyone, other than a therapist. Im really reluctant to hit Submit...But Fuck it!


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#368383 - 08/18/11 06:14 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: pcg514]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Patrick,

I congratulate you on your courage for sharing and for showing up here at MS.

I am sorry you have a need to be here-but hopeful because now you have a brotherhood of guys who have suffered (mostly silently) until they found another way-and MS is part of this other way of reclaiming ourselves, our stories, and our lives.

Welcome and thank you for your courage.


Jamie

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#368385 - 08/18/11 06:20 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
pcg514 Offline


Registered: 08/17/11
Posts: 4
Loc: L.A.
Thanks man. Appreciated... I'll check the link out


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#368389 - 08/18/11 07:41 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: pcg514]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Hey Patrick...

Welcome...let it out and.let the healing in smile

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#368390 - 08/18/11 07:44 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: pcg514]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Hey Patrick...

Welcome...let it out and let the healing in smile

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#368391 - 08/18/11 08:07 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: Darkheart]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Patrick,

I am so sorry for what was done to you by those animals. I agree with Jamie about the courage to share this so soon after arriving here.

This is a great step for you in your healing.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#368392 - 08/18/11 08:08 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: Darkheart]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Welcome Patrick, your a brave man to come foward with this!! stay strong and rely on us for strength when you need it!!

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#368394 - 08/18/11 08:23 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: thefutureorbust]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Patrick,
Welcome. You were so brave to escape when you were a little boy. You are well on your way to healing by sharing this story. I am learning that it is best to tell the truth, no matter how we might think it the wrong thing to do...

_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

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#368399 - 08/18/11 09:51 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: ACRoberts]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 523
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Patrick,

Welcome to MS. Here, you are not alone. Here, you are among family.

Let your newfound brothers here comfort you and reassure you and support you on your road to recovery. You have already taken a great step forward in bravely sharing your story and seeking help. I'm proud of you, buddy. smile

Let us know if you have any questions. These are great guys, and valuable resources. I hope your recovery goes smoothly.

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#368404 - 08/18/11 10:55 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my fraternal brother, Patrick

Welcome to MS. Here you will receive compassion, understanding & love, from your brothers (fraternal) & friends in pain.

We all have been there. We have been into the depths of our soul & hell too.

We will hear your cries. We will help in your fears & share in your tears.

Be prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life. You are already experiencing that.

We are here for you 24/7/365. You are never truly alone.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, Patrick, heal well. You are on your way.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.

Pete..Irishmoose.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#368408 - 08/18/11 12:26 PM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: petercorbett]
pcg514 Offline


Registered: 08/17/11
Posts: 4
Loc: L.A.
I just woke up, must have passed out after I wrote this. I'm freaking out, tears, shaking ..feeling like I made a huge mistake.. Its all way too intense. It's so disturbing to for me to read it.. Physically makes me sick.. What's even more messed up is, I feel like they still have control, humiliation, power... As the side effects are alive in my head and body.


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#368410 - 08/18/11 01:47 PM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: pcg514]
men_of_hrts.dbw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/09
Posts: 302
Loc: Orchidland Big Island Hawaii
Patrick;
Hang on bro, disclosure brings out all the repressed/suppressed memories and the energy coiencides with the terror you endured.
We truely share our lives here. I'm really glad you found this place but sad to read how you got here. My thoughts will be hoping for your peace.
You can do this!

The rewards of triumph are located beyond the pitfalls of despair



Edited by men_of_hrts.dbw (08/18/11 01:54 PM)
_________________________
Doug>ASA Survivor (1x)
ECV 6001/MaTuCa Chapter 1849
E Clampus Vitus
"What Say the Brethren"
"Hang the Bastards"

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#368412 - 08/18/11 02:40 PM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: men_of_hrts.dbw]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Patrick,

I think what you are experiencing is understandable and a natural part of the process of letting go of the memories-AND the feelings that were kept inside for all those years.

For me it came in waves as I fought to face the demons of my past.

The feeling part after memories see the light of day was the hardest for me: now I see that those feelings belong to the past and that I have a life to live, however haltingly I may live it as I work through the consequences of the abuse and of the bad decisions that undermined my life years later as an adult.

There are resources here at MS, including the books and articles accessed on the homepage. "Evicting the Perpetrator" has it's own discussion thread here: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=358263&page=1

Be Well
Take Care of Patrick
Check in with the brothers here who support you unconditionally.

Jamie

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#368421 - 08/18/11 07:02 PM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: petercorbett]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Patrick sorry ya had to join us, but damn glad you decided to heal.

Take it easy and give it time. This place and the men here will help ya heal.

Good luck and welcome.

Keith

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#368447 - 08/19/11 02:59 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: kb8715]
pcg514 Offline


Registered: 08/17/11
Posts: 4
Loc: L.A.
Thanks everyone I really appreciate support. I got 3 recommendations for psychiatrists and one whom specializes in trauma psychotherapy, I've realized this situation is too big for me to try and handle on my own.


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#368457 - 08/19/11 08:39 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: pcg514]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 523
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
That's a good step forward, buddy - realizing that you need help to get through this.

I find it truly sad that men are taught not to ask for help. I wonder if it's part of the reason why there are so few resources available to male survivors.

Hang in there, bro. You're doing just fine.

Bobcat

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#368495 - 08/19/11 09:15 PM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 541
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Patrick,

Welcome here. I'm so sorry you had to endure that, but I'm glad you have found this site, so you can share your history with those who have been there and understand.

Godspeed in your healing,
D.

_________________________
Female.

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#368682 - 08/22/11 05:07 PM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: pcg514]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey Patrick

Welcome to the site man. I know that you will find a lot of encouragment and insight on the site.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#368696 - 08/22/11 08:01 PM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: whome]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
Patrick,

You will soon realize that verbalizing your feeling is an important part of our healing process as survivors. I commend you for being so brave as to no to hide your feelings any more. Also, it's great thing, you're seeking professional hep as well. Take care brother!

Sincerely,

_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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#445186 - 08/22/13 11:22 PM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: pcg514]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6299
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
dear Patrick,

your story hurts to read, but i thank you for posting it.

sharing your memories with other survivors lightens the load a little.
that has been my experience.

I SEE YOU!
YOU ARE NOT INVISIBLE!

stay strong.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#445215 - 08/23/13 03:07 AM Re: (Intro) Invisable, do you see me? [Re: pcg514]
Onesimus75 Offline


Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 158
Loc: Minnesota
Yes, Patrick. We see you. They don't ever have the power to take that away.
You keep fighting. Keep looking for that open door.
_________________________
We are not defined by our faults, or our wounds, but by the truth within us, which nothing can take away.

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