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#368039 - 08/13/11 12:57 PM How to help our wives who are triggered by SSA
Dogs&Gods Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
My wife gets triggered when we are together at a social event and she perceives that a gay or possible gay man is attracted to me.

She knows my story but her thoughts drive her crazy that I may find him attractive and even talk to him.

We talked about it when we got home which I think is a good thing. I hope we can get thru this together, I wonder how I would feel is the situation was reversed.



Edited by Dogs&Gods (08/13/11 12:59 PM)
_________________________
Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

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#368173 - 08/15/11 06:08 PM Re: How to help our wives who are triggered by SSA [Re: Dogs&Gods]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
My wife has the exact reaction.
Most men are instructed not to cheat with women. My wife has to say "Do not cheat with women!", and add "Do not cheat with men either!" She made it that clear. I use my gaydar to look the other way when I have SSA.
Things are much more complicated for us; but it is worth the effort. She makes me happy.
D&Gs it is like we were bitten by a vampire. Good one, we need to discuss topics our women have to endure because of our damaged minds.

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#368205 - 08/16/11 03:31 AM Re: How to help our wives who are triggered by SSA [Re: Lo Don]
Kaene Offline


Registered: 07/04/11
Posts: 40
Loc: Ausin, TX
I've only had to really deal with this once. I've always had wierd issues with both women and men. With women I'm usually super anxious, and a lot of times, especially if they're attractive I see them as vain and unattainable so I don't waste my time. With men I don't really see them as a attractive (unless they're naked) so I don't feel the need to gawk. But at the same time half naked men in public/social situations make me really wary so I feel the need to keep track of their locations.

I've never been the rubbernecking kind and my wife knows it. But 2 days after my disclosure we were at the pool and there were a bunch of guys there playing water polo. Everything was good till we got home and my wife started crying. She said she was affraid I'd leave her for a man and that I'd been checking them out. We had a long talk and I explained to her that guys in close proximity tend to make me nervous she seemed to understand and it hasn't been an issue since. I think the best course of action is honest and open communication.

_________________________
"Do you think God lets you plea bargain?" - Calvin & Hobbes

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#368216 - 08/16/11 07:05 AM Re: How to help our wives who are triggered by SSA [Re: Kaene]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
You're correct Kaene; honesty is by far the best.

Today I read the definition of 'Imprinting' provided to us by Freshwound. She understood, especially when I reminded her of that UCLA education in Sociology she has in her left pocket. There are more grey areas in gay, Bi, hetero, SSA that came from CSA. Black and white does not always give us the answers. Thank you Freshwound! I do go to the gym 6 days a week and stare at the ceiling, not catch any eye contact with males. A small price to pay for my wife.

This is a problem we will always struggle with, therapy or not.

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#368240 - 08/16/11 06:51 PM Re: How to help our wives who are triggered by SSA [Re: Lo Don]
grumplestiltskin Offline


Registered: 04/14/11
Posts: 30
Loc: Denver CO
Sounds like your wife's issue to me. If you're not actually flirting or staring but she's "perceiving" that then there's nothing you can do about it. If you ARE doing those things then that's different and that's behavior you can can control.

But honestly, anyone who is in a monogamous relationship for a long time is going to have incidents of finding other humans attractive, whether it's a man or a woman, a celebrity or a friend. Just human nature. You can choose how to behave in response to those feelings but you can't choose to not have them.

Ask if she's ever been attracted to someone else during the course of your relationship. If she says no then she's not being honest, either with herself or with you.

If you have strayed then you have work to do to build trust. But if you haven't and she's only freaking out about men who she thinks may be gay or that you could find attractive then that's on her.

There's also the possibility that she's finding these men attractive and projecting the guilt or conflict around that onto you. Hopefully not but it's something to keep in mind.


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#368251 - 08/16/11 08:37 PM Re: How to help our wives who are triggered by SSA [Re: grumplestiltskin]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
OK Grump,

I asked her for a date; she told me she would get back to me. She talked to her her friends, they like me; one told her I was a terrific lay! She asked "What?" Her friend told her 'cause "We had sex last week!" her friend was a gay male. Oooops!!! We dated and she laid down the law! She had reason to not go out with me, don't date me, and most of all never marry me! I have behaved myself, and surprisingly, we are very happy. I work on it all the time. She turned my life around, from a quick sliding slope.

My bad
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#368257 - 08/16/11 10:17 PM Re: How to help our wives who are triggered by SSA [Re: Lo Don]
grumplestiltskin Offline


Registered: 04/14/11
Posts: 30
Loc: Denver CO
Oops my reply was supposed to be directed to the OP. I didn't realize the quick reply function directed it to whoever was last.


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#368294 - 08/17/11 03:34 AM Re: How to help our wives who are triggered by SSA [Re: grumplestiltskin]
grumplestiltskin Offline


Registered: 04/14/11
Posts: 30
Loc: Denver CO
Did this get moved? I thought I'd never been in the sexual identity forum. Weird.


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#368329 - 08/17/11 03:11 PM Re: How to help our wives who are triggered by SSA [Re: Lo Don]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Your welcome don, seems like some people on the forum take offense to the term "imprinting". Oh well, I wont edit myself for anyone. Dr Ken talks about a patient of his who used to rub his mothers feet and she would moan and love it and he actually had his first orgasm during rubbing his mothers feet. Guess what his fetish is now? he worships womens feet and gets off on there feet...its NO different when being abused as a child and brought to orgasm by a male. Of course if your being raped or there is anger involved it will be a "negative" imprint and from what I've read negative imprinting can be lessened or even un done with theraphy..but if there is any kind of subjective positive association when you orgasm its there forever. What you do with it is another question. Some men are completly ok and happy with it and god bless them. For others the positive imprint causes shame, guilt and confusion. Especially if they enjoy being with women. As the article said, for some men the only way for sanity to take place is to label themselves bisexual. And either be ok with the same sex fantasies or attractions and never act them or do.

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#368330 - 08/17/11 03:52 PM Re: How to help our wives who are triggered by SSA [Re: thefutureorbust]
grumplestiltskin Offline


Registered: 04/14/11
Posts: 30
Loc: Denver CO
Whatever man. Where are those links you were talking about? Preferably from peer reviewed journals that engage in actual science, not woo woo made up off the top of the head junk science based on pre-existing religious beliefs?

I'm actually not necessarily disagreeing that such things can happen (I think the crush fetish origin is fairly well established), just don't think it's as clear cut as you're making it, and that the term imprinting is suspect. There are also plenty of people who have all kinds of fetishes who never had abuse experiences and tons of LGBT folks who've never been abused so obviously other things are going on. The mind is a strange and infinitely complex thing.


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