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#367903 - 08/11/11 01:07 AM A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers)
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 221
Loc: Tucson Arizona


_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#367913 - 08/11/11 06:37 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Thanks henri

Remember that Feelings are not facts-and that those old pathways are not your future.

Being aware, conscious, and facing the NOW rather than escaping are vital to recovery-and so is giving yourself a break now and then-you are doing the heavy lifting of recovery and rest and play are healthy.

Jamie

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#367980 - 08/12/11 03:23 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Henri I can not be as positive as most. I too suffer from SSA. It makes it impossible when all your clients are male. As a Veteranss representation I try like hell to be 'A' sexual, I'm sure many see the facad. It is a battle in my mind every second of every day. I feel what You are feeling. It won't leave me, and how I try.
Therapy is unsuccessful - my only ray of hope is my wife, who comforts me and tries like hell to understand me. That's OK, she will never get that far. Being loved by someone is all the difference imaginable! Be it a man or a woman. That is the support you are seeking.

I hate to see the hurt in your heart; but contrary to many in MS that is as good as it gets. I keep it in the back of my mind and am able to control it without loosing my mind.

I will support you, the pain is all of ours!

Bro

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#367989 - 08/12/11 10:11 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: Lo Don]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 221
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thanks Don. It hurts like hell but I'm still at it.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#368004 - 08/12/11 03:47 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
sironsea Offline


Registered: 10/23/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
Dude I totally could relate to how your feeling. I wish that SSA wasn't such a big thing in my life, but it is at times. It bothers me that many times my dealing with other men can't be "normal" like other guys instead of me feeling vulnerable and off. I always feel as though they can sense it to and that bothers me as well. I like Lo Don have a wife who loves me and tries her best to understand me. It still is very hard for me to battle the SSA everyday though. Besides this site I don't really talk to anyone about it. My therapist and I have chatted about it, but for me the reality that I can't turn it off and that it bothers me soo much hasn't stopped.
For me I tried being with men as a gay man thinking that was me, but I found it really wasn't me and I was only pretending eventhough I enjoyed some aspects of sex with another guy I still wasn't there 100% (if that makes sense) and that was the turning point for me. I wasn't and am not some closeted guy who is running away from his Gayness, I am just a guy who's head was seriously imprinted during my abuse. The abuse I went through in my teens went deep to my core and now my circuits have been screwed ever since.Sorry for ranting. I have read your posts and totally understand what your going through. Only thing I can say is, always be yourself and don't allow the SSA to cloud you from expressing your feelings or experiencing thinks in life. Hope that made sense.


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#368256 - 08/16/11 06:01 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: sironsea]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 221
Loc: Tucson Arizona
Thanks brother. It made perfect sense

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

Top
#368277 - 08/16/11 10:13 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
alanhoops Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 21

Thanks Henri,

You are a brave man and you are not alone in your obsessions. It is a hard battle but we can survive and grow. You are very real and smart and it seems to me that you are making more progress than you think. Progress not perfection is a great tool to keep in mind. Keep with the struggle as it will make you stronger and wiser and one day you will use that strength and wisdom to help someone else. I will pray for you my brother.


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#368512 - 08/20/11 01:13 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: alanhoops]
Benjamin315tn Offline


Registered: 08/20/11
Posts: 1
thank you..
I was moslested by my older brother(4 years older) when i was 9..i didnt do anything to stop it and feel that i should or could have done something..it constantly haunts me as i try to live a normal life..I feel threatened by every guy or "sexualized"..and thought i was the only one who felt this way..im glad i found this forum..


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#368513 - 08/20/11 01:19 AM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: Benjamin315tn]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
for me its just saying ok whatever its there. I guess whats helped me is I bodybuild. I know thats dumb but it has given me a sense of pride, confidence and self-esteem. Many guys in the gym respect me and I'm well respected in the industry. Without that I would have nothing. I try and allow the SSA to come but dont allow it to define me it happens so fast and goes away ...I can allow it to come and become passive and it doesnt go beyond some feelings of "attention" with girls its more lust and sexual...My ssa seems to be more emotional like some untapped needs for attention, friendship, "love"? and of course the bodily feelings from abuse kick in but Im not "horny" like I am with girls. hard to explain...Bottom line try to bond with guys anyway you know how on an equal level..it sounds dumb but it works!

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#368537 - 08/20/11 03:23 PM Re: A Male Survivor of CSA- who am I? (triggers) [Re: kinghenri]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
KingHenri,

I can hear myself talking through you, as I have to admit, that I have the same problem. I see every man (strangers) as a possible threat and I'm extremely hypervigilannant.
I emphasize with you. But, recognizing these feeling, helps you understand them and - that is huge step.! Don't be afraid to express your feeling like you just did, be kind to yourself and don,t let that wound fester. Let it heal and lean on your fellow survivor brother walk with you along the way.

You are not alone, there are many of us that deal with the same issue and support you. I commend you for coming forward via a video, because this makes us realize that behind a screen mane the is a real person.
Take care!

Sincerely,

_________________________
Alejandro
A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

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