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#368318 - 08/17/11 11:57 AM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: 1lifenow]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
1lifenow, I thoroughly enjoyed this!


Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#369132 - 08/30/11 06:53 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: weharry1959]
tazcub36 Offline

Registered: 08/27/11
Posts: 15
Loc: united kingdom
Iam new here and a survivor and gay the original poster I too for a long time was confused, angry and into minds about my sexuality.
But I say you can be gay and be a survivor... and had an amazing partner now deceaseed who taught me , the difference and showed me real love.

Moving On, Moving the end recovery.

#370382 - 09/17/11 11:05 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: tazcub36]
Vadrian Offline

Registered: 09/11/11
Posts: 115
Loc: Pacific
I am gay and a survivor. I'm very glad to be gay, and no it isn't related to my abuse at all. Almost no straight men ever ask themselves if their heterosexuality was caused by abuse (and therefore if they should change it in order to have a healthy gay relationship), and since homosexuality is just as natural, good, and beautiful, I see no reason why we should.

Edited by Vadrian (09/17/11 11:06 PM)

#370452 - 09/18/11 07:17 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: lostcowboy]
overcomer4life Offline

Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Wow. Opinions really do vary, and I respect each of you for how you feel. I guess I am the exception, in a sense.

For the first 8 or 9 years of my life, I was forced into one sexual encounter or another with a male. I have ALWAYS wanted a wife and a family. Unfortunately, those first 8 or 9 years painted a picture of "normal" for me and I accepted it as being just that. From time to time, I crave the attention/affection of a man....I do, however, believe that God made man for woman. I've read it. I believe the Bible to be the Word of God. So, I am in constant conflict because....I DON'T WANT TO BE GAY OR BISEXUAL. I want to be a straight man who enjoys being with one woman, having a family, and so forth.

I pray regularly for God to take the desire away from me. Aside from my personal views, it pains me to KNOW that I am living something that His word says I shouldn't be. I still crave it and YES I still give in to what my flesh wants from time to time, but it hurts me terribly.

I do not believe that I was born this way, nor do I accept that I was "meant" to be this way. My CSA was all I knew about sex and/or affection for the first 8 or 9 years of my life. It was my "normal". But the reason I have sex and the reason God created sex are completely different. I want to have a stronger mind and heart to always choose His way. It's not easy, but I am making strides daily.

Don't throw stones at me if you don't agree...I just think it's time for the world to see that there are people who are gay/bisexual and REALLY don't want to be. If only there was a light switch that you could turn off and never turn it on again...

#370466 - 09/18/11 09:26 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: overcomer4life]
Driftwood Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
What a heartfelt post youíve given us. Your words are clear and respectful, and I can identify with the pain you must feel. I spent four years in Bible college praying and fasting to become straight, though (perhaps unlike you) I knew I was gay, was gay before I was ever abused, and knew deep down my homosexuality had nothing to do with the abuse.

Itís tough, if not impossible to change oneís sexual orientation. You may be straight and experiencing same sex attraction only because of your abuse. Thatís evidently a genuine experience some men have, and others on this site have written at length about it. Or you may be gay and fighting it. No one can determine that for you. Youíre the only one who can figure it out.

I will offer the suggestion, though, that a homosexual orientation is a real thing and that homosexual persons should never be devalued or discounted. A percentage of adolescents whoíve not been sexually abused discover when theyíre 12 or 13 (or even younger) that theyíre attracted to the same sex, and that itís not just a passing thing but rather a part of their intrinsic make-up as human beings. If you believe in God and believe homosexuality is wrong, itís hard to take these children into account. Where do their feelings come from if not from God? Theyíre children. If being gay is an intrinsic part of their make-up, the only logical answer is that homosexuality, alongside heterosexuality, is just another expression of the divine.

I donít know if youíre gay or straight. If youíre straight, I hope you succeed in overcoming those same sex urges. If youíre really gay, I hope you come to embrace who you are as an expression of the divine. Whichever it is, Iím sorry for your struggle. Peace to you.

#370493 - 09/19/11 04:03 AM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: Driftwood]
overcomer4life Offline

Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Thanks. I believe what I read...and that's that God created man for woman for the purpose of reproduction. My urges and desires OFTEN crave affection/attention from a man...but I know what I read and believe to be the roadmap for how Christians are to live. I don't think God hates gays at all. However, I do believe that we are faced daily with a choice to do things HIS way or do what we want. I really want to do it HIS way (based on what I have read and believe to be true). But again...that's just me. I don't condemn anyone for doing what they feel is right. We'll all have to give an account for our actions one day according to the Bible. It is a very deep and rough struggle to say the least. Very deep. VERY rough. VERY difficult with each passing day.

Thanks for understanding. Love ya man. Really.

#370527 - 09/19/11 05:01 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: survivedwithlife]
Czaesar72 Offline

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA

Welcome to the MS community! I am very pleased that a lot of our brothers jumped in to welcome you and support you; everyone have shared their wisdom with you. I hope that you got the answer you're seeking.

I was born into a hard core Catholic family and therefore I was a hardcore Catholic myself until I was sexually abused by three different priests. Like you I had my doubts and in my case I was dealing with a lot of shame.

I kept hearing, that I was not worthy of going to heaven and so on, so I tried to fight the fact that I am gay and one thing I happened to read in the bible is that "God is Love", so If God is love, how can He hate me? God loves everyone!!!

I believe you said something that is so true, that religion is led by men (mankind), and as men it's going to be shaped the way the way the majority of
them think it should be, and then they brake their own rules.

I'd say to you God loves you just like He loves everyone else regardless of your sexual orientation. Being a survivor of sexual abuse and being gay is two different things. You can't count the abuse as an actual sex act, it was abuse,! Regardless of the perpetrator's gender. Lots of our brothers have said so many great and wise things about this subject, but I will quote Daryl because he puts it very simply:

If I could not be gay and a survivor then I would not be a true survivor in my life. I happen to be both.

I identify with that myself. It took me years to accept myself, just the way I am. A survivor and a gay man, and I'm happy to have accepted myself just the way I am. If i cannot love myself the way I am, how can I expect someone else to love me the same way?

We are all survivors and we all welcome you as such, regardless of your sexual orientation and/or your religious believes. I think no one can say they are a true Christian if they are not capable of loving everyone else as they love themselves, just like God loves everyone because I was always told "God is Love", and, he loves unconditionally, so I keep that in mind when anyone tries to make me believe that God does not loves me for being gay.

Again, welcome our survivor brother, no one is here to judge you, but to heal and if someone has an issue with who are, let it be their issue not yours, here or anywhere else. May you find the healing you seek.

So, to answer your question. Yes, you can be gay and a survivor.


A very grateful Alumni of the Level I WoR Sequoia 2011, Ben Lohmond, CA, USA
and Advanced WoR Alta 2011, Alta, UT, USA.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift; it is the burdens he can understand and overcome.

#370531 - 09/19/11 07:19 PM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: overcomer4life]
cris40ky Offline

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
I pray regularly for God to take the desire away from me. Aside from my personal views, it pains me to KNOW that I am living something that His word says I shouldn't be. I still crave it and YES I still give in to what my flesh wants from time to time, but it hurts me terribly.

I do not believe that I was born this way, nor do I accept that I was "meant" to be this way. [/quote]

I most certainly wish to "throw no stones" !! But I spent about 8yrs battling this very issue. I couldn't accept my orientation either. I was married for seven years then spent another 8 wrestling with God about it. I wish I could save you some time here.

The mind is a powerful organ. It responds from a history of abuse clouding our present desires. Especially where sexuality is concerned. Internalized shame and guilt hides behind what we face day to day and is definitely affecting you as you think about your sexual orientation. That's even before you bring God into the picture. That's a whole separate issue.

For me, I was a seminarian. Convinced of God's call with a wife and two kids. It was when I was in Grad school working on a Pastoral Counseling degree that I began facing the abuse, then my orientation, and then the "God & Homosexuality" issue. I was a Southern Baptist, so that tells you how I thought of myself as being gay.

My heartfelt advice is to please start with compassion for yourself! Where you are is simply where you are. It's not where you will be. With a good therapist look at the shame forced upon you. Accept that you are a work in progress. Truth will sort itself out from there.

And with God; It has been my experience that what is really true is usually the simplest things.

My abuse taught me to doubt my own mind. Not to trust my own experiences but to look to something above reproach to believe in and follow. But when I learned to believe in myself more and see authority figures more realistically, I found the Bible to be no more reliable than any other human wisdom: human and imperfect.

#370613 - 09/21/11 03:33 AM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: cris40ky]
overcomer4life Offline

Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
Cris40ky, that's a fair analysis. No stones were thrown and I appreciate your approach to my statement.

I hear you...and you're right about the shame. I was ridiculed and beat up as a kid because I had ways that were feminine. My dad never taught me how to fight. The list goes on...

Being "trapped" in this lifestyle (being bisexual) for 38 years - soon to be 39, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be straight. I want to be! I REALLY want to be! I'm not saying that gay guys aren't men, but I want to know what it's like to be a who prefers women...marries ONE woman...has a family...and achieves some degree of "normal" before I die.

Thanks for the advice man. Seriously.

#370621 - 09/21/11 04:39 AM Re: can one be gay and be a survior? [Re: overcomer4life]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

Please remember that this forum, the "Gay/Bi/Trans Survivors" forum, is a place for "Discussions among male survivors about issues specific to being a survivor and gay, bi, or transgender." Posts or threads that discuss issues of conflicted feelings over one's sexual identity or over same sex attraction vs. gay are not necessarily appropriate to this forum and would better discussed in the "Sexual Identity Issues" forum.


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

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