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#367042 - 07/31/11 05:54 AM "Repairing Sexuality"?
Kaene Offline


Registered: 07/04/11
Posts: 40
Loc: Ausin, TX
Once I heard how SSA is defined by this site, I started to do some google searches about SSA and every single link I turned up was some religious site and how they claim to have a cure for Single Sex Attraction (their buzzword for homosexuality).

I consider myself 'sexually disoriented', in that I don't feel any emotional attraction to men, but I enjoy being with men sexually. I'm head over heels in love with my wife, but if she ever allowed it I would enjoy the chance to engage with other men.

I know that not everyone who has such feelings is as accepting of them, and views those feelings as a 'problem' that needs 'correcting', but I was deeply insulted, even wounded to find that every time I tried to find a source of information on how to integrate those feelings into my sex life in a healthy way, all I found was a bunch of people telling me that those feelings were wrong and that I needed to be 'fixed'.

The only negativity I feel towards my own sexuality is the fear that after years of therapy I'll discover that I'm really gay and I'll have wasted even more of my wife's life than I already have. But everything I know about myself says that this is going to be a non issue.

So my question is, am I alone in my thoughts? I don't think I'm truly bisexual/gay in that I don't feel that biological attraction to men, but I enjoy having sex with them. And I feel that if I ever got to the point in my healing that I'd dealt with my issues to the point that my SSA dissapeared I think I'd feel a tremendous sense of loss, like I'd lost a part of myself.

Am I alone in this?

_________________________
"Do you think God lets you plea bargain?" - Calvin & Hobbes

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#367043 - 07/31/11 06:29 AM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: Kaene]
kinghenri Offline


Registered: 05/06/09
Posts: 221
Loc: Tucson Arizona
No. You are not alone. While I do not enjoy sex with men I still have urges every once in a while. I understand these urges are from the sexually abusive relationship I had with my perp from age 4 to age 13 or 14 (to be honest Its kinda hazy.)
I accept my urges and do not hate them I just let them pass because I would rather not act on them.
It sounds like you already know these feelings or urges are a part of who you are. You don't have to act on them if you don't want to. Or if you do, have at it.
But nomatter what love yourself man. I don't know you but I love you like a brother because I feel "that". We all feel "that" and it hurts. I say "that" because "that is the only word I had for the abuse as a child. It was so overwhelming and foreign. I had no Idea what "that" would end up doing to me.
You are a free man now.
We are all free men now.

_________________________
"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"

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#367046 - 07/31/11 07:59 AM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: kinghenri]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Kinghenri is spot on! You are not alone; Like you I consider myself Sexually disfunctional, also, a SSA. Also, like you I am happily married to a fantastic woman who understands me; but laid down the law: No sex with women and/men. average men's wives would insist on no sex with woman but Kaene, you and I are unque. In therapy before I was married I was told to go ahead and act on those feelings, Don't get married. I did the contrary. I too love sex with men, but have no emotional connection with them. I am a poor example for you to follow, because I live a life of conflict, I keep my urges consealed to a point I'm going to burst. I think it is being sexually molested at a very young age with repeated abuse has warped my mind. I truly believe if I were never raped over and over againnI would be a strong man with no issues that I can not explain to the average society.
I have not corrected these feelings, my wife allows me to have 'men on men' porn to satisfy the other side of me. Are we abnormal? I have read about men such as us who can not handle the complexity of balancing sexual disfunctional, SSA and attracted to women. I don't think of going that direction; I choose to be confused.
I was raped by a grown man at 12 for 2 years, taught everything you can do with a man possible. When that stopped only, I was raped again 2000 miles from the original rape by an older teen, repeatedly, then again at 13 by a man of 20 in a back ally while my friends watched (they were happy it wasn't them) they couldn't help, but found cloth to stop the bleeding of my rectum. That did get out in my Jr High, but I lived with the criticism and stories. It only made me stronger; go ahead and talk and laugh about me. I never contemplated suicide.I just live with it every day! Lately I became very depressed and it came back in my head. I never had depression in my life, I took the stories and laughter, became popular dispite what happened. I have started to deal with depression by going to the gym 5 days a week; my wife takes me to 'Rock Concerts', Movies, we go camping on the left coast. It is helping. For you, Find your way, if you like do what I do. If you can find a way, act on it. If not, see if your wife can be creative.
Dazed,
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#367065 - 07/31/11 06:22 PM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: Kaene]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 329
Loc: New York City
Two nonreligious sites: narth.com and peoplecanchange.com.

There's a lot more information than you may have initially found.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#367123 - 08/01/11 04:55 AM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: Lo Don]
Kaene Offline


Registered: 07/04/11
Posts: 40
Loc: Ausin, TX
Quote:
Two nonreligious sites: narth.com and peoplecanchange.com.


Thanks for the links! However 9/10 (I didn't read the other 10%) of the articles and 'papers' I read on narth deal with shedding unwanted SSA, and were written by phds at religious schools also several of the things I read were prefaced in the first sentence with 'Catholic' this and 'Christian' that.

Haven't read much on peoplecanchange.com but just looking at the front page it seems to be at its core a 'straightening' resource.

I am not looking to shed my SSA, if it happens over the course of my healing then so be it. I enjoy the act of being with men, and I don't feel ashamed for feeling this way. What I am looking for is some kind of information/community/resource on how to incorporate these desires into my monogamous heterosexual relationship in a healthy way thats fufulling to both me and my wife.

Quote:
Lo Don


Yeah my wife and I have come to the same agreement, cheating is cheating, regardless of gender. I knew that before we tied the knot even though my wife didn't know about my 'tastes' at the time. I've been faitful to her since day one and haven't regretted it. Sometimes wish I could experience a homosexual encounter again, but I don't regret not being able to.

Interesting that your T told you to act on those feelings, not something I expected to hear from a T (though I haven't been to one yet). I on the other hand did experiment quite extensively before my wife and I got together, but it wasn't under the most healthy of conditions, it was compulsive, and I was technically under age and my partners were well over.

I've concealed it for most of my life, only just a few months ago blowing the cork off of everything in front of my wife. I know that feeling of just barely being able to contain it. And now that my wife knows we've been able to explore some of my feelings through other 'aids' if you will. There's some miscommunications at times, and some awkwardness, but it has also made our love life very much more exciting for both of us and has brought us closer together as a couple.

I'm hoping to eventually come to the point that we can ballance these feelings I have ina way that is satisfying for both of us, but unfortunately I haven't yet been able to find any realy sources of information on how to best go about this.

Thanks Don, makes me feel a little less alone in all this. All I ever see is people trying to deny or 'get over' their SSA, instead of embracing it.

_________________________
"Do you think God lets you plea bargain?" - Calvin & Hobbes

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#367553 - 08/06/11 03:28 PM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: Kaene]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
Kaene-I am living your parrellel life. I just can't come to the conclusion If it's the sex I want, or the maleness I hope to rub off on me if I'm with a man. I am not attracted to effeminate men, but hyper masculine jocks, the type of person who can shower with other men, and not be humiliayed by the erection they are trying to cover, walks out of shower with no towel, ges himself together, goes home, pays bills and then makes love to his wife, lover, whomever, being confident and proud of who he is,,,takes care and pride in comforting and providing for others, thats what i love and desire, and have never felt about myself, although looking at me, I look the part...illusions can be funny tricky work

_________________________
I don't have one

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#367597 - 08/07/11 10:24 AM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: Sailboat92]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Good topic and sharing here, men.

For me, I never felt masculine and sought ways to feel hyper masculine thru sexual conquest of other males-that was, amazingly enough, the SA that was perpetrated on me when I was nine.

I have to say sex never filled that void-it just made me feel more isolated and broken- it became a compulsive quest that undermined my life. I finally got help because the sexual acting out almost consumed me.

I've had to stop acting out in those ways and seek real solutions to some of those core wounds from my childhood, the SA, and bad relationships with male authority figures, including my father.

Walking a path of integrity and honesty with other men in various groups-survivor groups, 12 step groups, the ManKind Project (highly recommended), help me build a beautiful life with intimacy, authenticity, and growth.

I think we are in the cutting edge here with regards to facing our sexuality and questions about the nature and roots of our attractions and discovering of healthy affirming sexuality-as such there are lots of people who don't understand or are blinded by their own prejudices.

As men who have struggled with this, we share a strong common bond.

I strongly support any man who is trying to discover his authentic sexuality free from the abuses and damage of the past-including the harm we've chosen ourselves. I believe we all have an inner intimate side that seeks affirmation and sexual expression and that that is part of our journey-shedding the abuse and healing our selves.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#367607 - 08/07/11 02:08 PM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1481
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 04:06 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....🌹🌹🌹

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#367622 - 08/07/11 07:24 PM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: lapchinj]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Keane,

Jeff and I have a similar concept of relationships. I have learned from other men on MS telling us, with having your 1st sexual experience was with a man, and that man brought you to an orgasm has forever changed your physque on sexuality. You now are open to being gay, you are open to being straight, you are open to being bisexual, also open to being heterosexual. Wrap your weiner around that! He blew apart all the things I thought I was. We are open to whatever. This is unlike pure heterosexuals who had never been with a man. They view it as discusting; most of view it as possible.
I too am happily married. Because of my sexual confusion I have to work 3X's as hard as my heterosexual friends. I too like Jeff (Lapchinj) pointed out have been married for many, many, many years! Around me, I see many divorces; which comes to something my wife told me. Be 'cause of my sexuality (not quite, gay, bi, or hetero) I am forbid to have sex with women (all married men would have that rule instilled in them by their wives) I also have in addition to women is MEN. She feels I perhaps need to add sheep on my forbiddin list! LOL.
What does on in my mind is my business, as long as I am faithful in the flesh. That rule has worked for many of the MS, inexample Jeff and I.
I could have taken a different route. That's OK; just from an early age I can not have a life, loving, relationship with a man. I have sex that Porno's are made of; but only 1,2, or 3 night stands. Maybe that is why I do not have male friends! Getting close to a man would give triggers and I would get on top of him; then realize he did not want me to mount him; in my mind I saw something different. I would be in trouble all over again. I still have not been able to control my SSA, so I avoid men.
Having a healthy relationship with my wife is important to me. I think that is one big difference between us and the garden variety bisexuals. All because we were brought to orgasm on our 1st sexual experience by a man! That just blows me away. What this man on MS said hit me like discovering 'the meaning of life'.
Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

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#367623 - 08/07/11 07:55 PM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: Lo Don]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
our right Don 100%!! your first orgasm by a man will no doubt lead to a positive association to men. last night I had porn star sex with a girl. 3 times in one night lol I was fading in and out of dissiociation..the 20 seconds I was feeling things it was unreal. I just have such a hard time connecting emotionally. I have so much bagage from my childhood im scared. I heard from my family today who think im bipolar or have a "mental illness". They believe my father and not me. Fuck them

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#367626 - 08/07/11 08:52 PM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: thefutureorbust]
Lo Don Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/26/11
Posts: 133
Loc: Sacramento
Freshwound, I believe I was quoting you on 'Male's original orgasm' if by another male, leads to SSA.
Do you realize what an impact that is to all of us!!! OOOoopps! My head is starting to POP!
The average Joe on the street, feels we are GAY. Gay is gay, no black or white. You just showed us a boat load of gray! We truly are a fluke of the Universe! Why didn't you tell me that years ago? I would have been able to understand myself with better objectivity! I blame you Freshwound for not telling me sooner. Kiddin.
I still do not relate to bisexuals, and gays; eventhough I probably had more homosexual lays then they did. Does that make sense? After, orgasm, we have nothing to talk about and I do not want to cuddle! OK, a lot of gays feel that exact way, so I am unable to bring home my point.
I can say, I have had relations with woman and am able to stay and cuddle with them. I can have a relationship sexually, friendship, financial partners. I never knew why and that is another enigma I would like to solve. In Therapy, I was told to go ahead and be Gay. My inner self does not want that. I thought, perhaps it was the pressure of society, or the shame I have of being Gay. (Not that there is anything wrong with that!). I have many Gay friends and I confuse them; I give off wierd signals. so instead of attracting them, they move away; almost like the effect of straight men with my SSA.
Gotta go! 2 men with a white jacket for me are coming into my cell.

Don

_________________________
The me that nobody knows!
Did you replace me with a younger Boy?Does he bend,squat, beat,say Awwww as well as me?
I still love you & miss you.My Perb referred to me as his
'Dirty 'lil Boy','cause I allowed him to bang on me anywhere, anytime."Bend over you Dirty Boy;we know you can take it!"

Top
#367628 - 08/07/11 09:14 PM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: Lo Don]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
LMAO Don, your a trip man. Yeah I understand how you feel. Its all screwed up, with shades of grey for sure. One cant deny the impact of imprinting and conditioning on us. I am still fuming from my brothers email saying THIS DIDNT HAPPEN. Pissed me off!

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#367634 - 08/07/11 11:08 PM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: Sailboat92]
TheBobcatAgain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 524
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
Wow, Sailboat92. You've defined the maleness I've been attracted to for years exceptionally well! I kind of want to be that man...but I feel like first, I want him in my life. To teach me, mold me, protect me, love me. Help me experiment and find my sexuality; what I like and dislike? Maybe that, too.

_________________________
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

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#367857 - 08/10/11 06:03 PM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Bob wouldn't those comments be more in the gay section if the site? Are you not gay? I think SSa issues and being gay are different issues even though they nay overlap some. If I'm wrong and your not gay I apologize

_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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#368674 - 08/22/11 07:00 PM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: thefutureorbust]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 329
Loc: New York City
My feelings about sex with men: it might feel physically good and I might the get emotional illusion of being connected but that connection is fleeting and gone shortly after orgasm. Its like being on a treadmill with no end.

I've done a lot of work and have integrated within myself and found that I don't need sex with men to give me the illusion of being connected to myself.

SSA is specifically related to unwanted attractions. If one doesn't like the terminology and is insulted, focus on bisexuality because that is what is desired.

I love the SSA concept and it has brought me great healing, with great guys and now I am so much more comfortable with gay and straight men because they are men first. I don't judge where anyone is in their sexual journey since no one in the entire world is the foremost expert on anyone but themselves and I don't look to others to tell me what is right for me or wrong for me. I quiet down and look inside and explore outside. SSA hit a note with me and I followed it but there is NOTHING offensive about it, nothing insulting about it unless someone feels threatened by it for their own internal reasons.

I don't want to have sex with men anymore. I see myself as a man just like them whereas I am 45 and until recently I truly saw myself as a boy to other men. Now I don't. I see myself more accurately - a 45 year old with problems, with an abusive, lonely past but a guy with a future that will be different than my past. I accept my lot in life and I don't want to escape through sex with men.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

Top
#385001 - 02/09/12 05:02 AM Re: "Repairing Sexuality"? [Re: EdfromNYC]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
Great entry

_________________________
I don't have one

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