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#366682 - 07/27/11 01:10 AM not giving up
TwoStep Offline

Registered: 01/03/11
Posts: 31
It has been a long time since I have posted – I don’t recognize many of the names…

Just wanted to update, for anyone who is interested…

I have read posts that say a lot of partners have given up lately. Well, I had given up too. My bf (I am female) didn’t live up to his promises and I finally called him on it. Story is longer than that, as you can imagine, some on previous posts. I won’t bore you, but we had some painful rollercoaster struggles that had me fearing for my sanity and his, interspersed with a few moments of heaven. I was exhausted and usually puffy from crying. Boy did I cry a lot.

Anyhow, I broke up (which broke my heart) and said I couldn’t go on like we were. Again, much more to the story, but we agreed to remain best friends. We agreed we always wanted the other in our lives.

But he seems to be making the effort. He has a T (I have one too) and tells me he has started EMDR (anyone have any comment on that, please?) with another T and EFT (comments?). I have toyed with going to the local CODA group, but it’s kind of a small town and not sure I am ready for that in case there is anyone I know there. However, I am reading about codependency, taking care of myself, and getting my own house in order, dealing better with my own abuse issues.

So, I am hoping that we can make another go of it. We are still in love. I think he is willing and so am I. I feel oddly renewed, re-energized. A little less manic. Like maybe we both have had a reality check and realize that we can’t go on like we have -- but that we do want to go on.

I am still scared, but I am okay with that. My guess is he might be, too. Scared, that is…and hopefully okay with it. Time will tell. I do not kid myself I know that we are going to have some tough times if moving forward is what we do.

Hugs to the “oldtimers,” blessings to the newbies who have found their way here.

Edited by TwoStep (07/27/11 02:40 AM)

#366694 - 07/27/11 03:02 AM Re: not giving up [Re: TwoStep]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
I've been in some 12-Step groups like SANON and Al Anon...haven't made it to CODA yet but basically the same idea. From my own experience, when I "started" to feel stronger, that meant I still needed some time in therapy. Not sure if I'm making sense, but basically I feel that if you are just "starting" to feel stronger, you probably need to wait a bit to get further grounded. Not saying you can't be in contact, I just mean romantically. And when you do get involved again, keep up with your therapy, reading, etc hard core...don't let it slack off or you will lose that calmness. I've found if I skip a week in my 12-Step, I can quickly lose my level-headedness. It's so easy to get swept up in the excitement of trying again that you forget the work that you were doing.

#366727 - 07/27/11 01:36 PM Re: not giving up [Re: hopeandtry]
TwoStep Offline

Registered: 01/03/11
Posts: 31
Hello h4h.

No doubt I will stay in therapy, as will he. And he has said he'd like us to go together as well, and I am all for that when the time is right. When I first started learning about csa, I read all that I could about it (and on one of the other MS forums just found an outstanding bibliography). Maybe a bit too much at one time. But now my focus is off him and on me.

It hasn't been all that long that I have started to feel better, and I am in no rush to hurry things (don't think he is either). I appreciate and completely agree with your advice about baby steps and, especially, not getting swept up (the wave analogy is good -- it sweeps you up, but can slam you down hard, too). If we have any chance at all, we both have to work at it, and that means him too. I am cautiously optimistic, but cautious is the key word. If it can be done, I want to do it right, not fast -- for me as well as for him and us.

I will look to you and others for support and tough love.


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