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#363904 - 06/09/11 02:03 AM Need advice
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Guys I need advice. I am a survivor and I Sponsor a young man at the AA who suffered CSA. He is HIV+ Uses drugs and is a relationship and sex addict. He does what all CSA survivors do, he sabotages all his relationships. He also wont show emotion, and puts on a veneer of always being happy. WE know this isn't true, but he wont change. I feel that he cant heal if he doesn't feel, but I cant get through to him.

Your experience may help him.
Feel free to PM me with advice or respond to the post.

GOD SPEED
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#363918 - 06/09/11 01:22 PM Re: Need advice [Re: whome]
stefalc1 Offline


Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 41
Loc: london, uk
Hi
I might get corrected here saying this, i don't think u can help him too much till he is reAdy to face it and come to somewhere like here.Maybe let him know this site exists but in a gentle not controlling way or he will back off.

All u can really do is support and understand until he is ready to see a connection of his behaviour and abuse. I personally accidentally stumbled across this site and the first time I was here had no idea how things were connected tillmi started reading stuff here and talked to the nice guys on here that support and understand so well.But ! I did it for menand wasn't guided to it. Maybe leave some information or one of the guys here may know of an article.

I'm guessing he may get very defensive at first And maybe angry.

Good luck ! Hope he learns he's not alone .


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#364469 - 06/18/11 04:04 PM Re: Need advice [Re: stefalc1]
h.beat,h.break Offline


Registered: 06/05/09
Posts: 124
Loc: New York
I agree with steflac actually. Even if you tell him or if he reads it in a book, he needs to make the choice for himself. Being that he's in AA, it seems like he wants to take a step forward into changing his life.

But also, letting him know about the illusions that he is surrounding himself with will also help him. He'll mostly likely meditate on them and from there he can make up his own mind on where he wants to go from there.

Good luck with supporting him and I hope things have been going good for him so far.

_________________________
Hey, if "black sheep" means you're the only non-douche of the family, take that with some pride.

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#364637 - 06/20/11 11:58 AM Re: Need advice [Re: whome]
cris40ky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/11
Posts: 188
Loc: KY, US
In my experience, "Feeling" is tough to do sometimes. To keep a cap on the intense feelings from the abuse, I have worn a "happy face" in public many, many times. Separating the pain of the abuse and other hardships with loved ones is hard to do when the emotions feel so overwhelming.

You, yourself are a survivor and in AA. Stay by his side. Let him know your story as he gives you the opportunity. He may be only able to deal with one part of his healing at a time. The addictions under control first, then when he feels safe and in more control of his life, the rest could follow.


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#364731 - 06/22/11 01:59 AM Re: Need advice [Re: cris40ky]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Thanks for the wise words all, Ill keep you posted on how it is going

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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#364809 - 06/23/11 07:30 PM Re: Need advice [Re: whome]
derrick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/10
Posts: 94
Loc: North Carolina
Men good conversation here

I have been sober for 26 years in AA still go to meetings. As I worked the steps decided i was unable to give up certain defects of character ( prositutues, phone sex, crusing) - thus i joined an 12 step program for sex addicts. I gained little sobriety in my S program until recently. Much recent progrress because i went to WOR

_________________________
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5766#Post335766

Alumnai of May 2011 DAHLONEGA (a life changeing event)
Alumnai of October 2010 WOR Hope Springs
Dahlonega

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#364836 - 06/24/11 06:00 AM Re: Need advice [Re: derrick]
philistine Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 212
Loc: Oregon
You can't save someone else.
You can let them know that you care and that you have some understanding of the subject.
Be a friend and with patience you may be able to start a conversation on the subject.

_________________________
Mike

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

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#365297 - 07/02/11 02:19 AM Re: Need advice [Re: whome]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Whome,

I am also a csa survivor and AA member.

i got the courage to seek help for my csa from working the AA program. I couldn't have done either, alone.

but, as was said by the others, he will 'get it' when he is ready for it. i would also say that for me, i had to get the help from a T at first, before i could get help from another human. it was after i had some time with a good T that i got enough courage to come here to MS.org.

in my AA line, it is a tradition for me to follow the direction of my sponsor. but i know that if he isn't ready for it, he will balk. first things first, AA, then other things will follow.

keep up the support and encouragement and keep sharing your experience, strength and hope with him. if he really 'gets' AA he will come to realize that he needs to work on the other things, when he is ready.

my sponsor is also a csa survivor, and that is a real blessing for me and i think for your sponsee as well.

take care and know that you are doing what you can. i am rooting for you!

peace

paul

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#365317 - 07/02/11 03:10 PM Re: Need advice [Re: pbert53]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Working the steps helps me to sort through the wreckage of my life and improve it-one day at a time.

A sponsors only role is to guide the newcomer through the steps so they learn tools for life that work-unlike the false solutions and escapism of addiction, acting out, and destructive emotional behaviors that undermine hope and life itself.

Work the steps-particularly 1-9, one at a time, and help him build a sober sane life for himself.

If he doesn t want to stay sober-dont waste your time with him-there are so many that want to flow this path and who need you instead.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#366582 - 07/26/11 01:58 AM Re: Need advice [Re: Mountainous Buck]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Guys

Thanks for the responses. I don't know about you but my experience was this. I got sober, and 4 and a half years later, after being an absolute Git and a pain in the ass, I joined the AA. This also seemed to help.... but never really helped, If you know what I mean. There was always something there that would drive me to act out and stuff things up.
It was only when I came out as a survivor that I began to heal completely. It was only after the admission that I was a survivor that the pain went away.
I still act out but now its once every three months, and generally it is a thought that starts an action, and then the healthy me kicks in before I follow it up completely, and I stop.
So MY experience is that once you are sober the next best thing is to accept that you are a survivor and to understand why you do certain things, and that this is the ROOT of our addiction.
If we don't heal as survivors, completely, then we wont heal as addicts????

Thanks for your comments, every one of you teaches me something, and trust me I want to learn as much as I can about the beast in the closet. So all comments are welcome ALL OPINIONS are welcome. I need to learn as much as I can as I am starting a group for survivors in this country, as there is absolutely no support for male survivors here.
Please keep the advice flowing.

Heal well
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

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