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#366122 - 07/17/11 10:19 PM i am tired
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 1872
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada
Today i was thinking of just checking to see stuff in my hotmail and stuff. I dont have a computer, so i visited my parents. I HATE MY SICK FATHER! One day it is my mom and today it is my dad. He makes me sick. I think he is a pedophile too/ and has homosexuality issues. He is so irresponsible to this.
I went to do some grocery shopping with him. I hate it when i am quiet in my brain or whatever... why do i care? I mean
there are billions of people. This fucking asshole has a good life. I have no girlfriend, and from what about to say lot of guys will say " You are queer my man"! My dad never cared for me.. when i was 10 he put me in soccer ( football) . I didnt like it. When i was 11 i told him i was interested in gymnastics.. he grabs my stomach and says "you are too fat for gymnastics". I hate this entire thing called family.
I dont want to even know if there is such as a great family.
I dont want to know. I told my friend last night i was suicidal at 9 years old. Fucking 9.
My dad watched the final women's match in Football today, which took place in Germany.
I dont want my dad. I dont want my mom. I dont want my brother. I dont want anymore of this. I came here ,went on his computer.... i am scared, i could kill
i am so lonely.......... i never had a friend so i am supposed to fucking forget everything? How my mom smacked me all the time growing up. She spit on me 1990 i was 15 saying i was like just my Uncle ( the pedophile). I dont know how i didnt break down and cry then. I remember in 1983/4 i was 9 , after a falling out with my brother i felt a Psychotic breakdown coming....psychotic... the fucking asshole.
I dont like him. I dont know , i wish i could kill. I dontknow what everyone is going through..
Maybe everyone is okay. Maybe i shouldnt ask so many questions. My mom would always hit me when i did ask too many questions. I hated going to school.. i always shut down my conscious ,, i vivdly feel this. This was scary. I dont want to shut down; it isnt working, for me. It isnt helping.
I am tired of eating , so i dont scare my mom, and him. I am always so scared of them. He felt me up. He didnt like it that he did, he did though. Who would believe me. My brother would always say to me " Stop feeling sorry for yourself". My birthday was a few days ago i bought flowers for mysself, i liked this. I even gave myself a happy birthday voicemail. I never really had friends growing up.
What scares me is guys penises. In grade 7 when we changed in the guys changeroom i remmeber some guys were already developing and i was very , very much in non - exsistent . I was frantic " what is wrong with me..? why am i so like female like? Sho is going to help me? yelling , needing to get out, somewhere? Where?
Each day going home there was something.. nobody was home.
I dont know how but i discovered my dad had a very large collection of porn. This was the end of my needing to get help as a preteen boy! I needed someone NOW! AND quick!
All the time .. i guess as i watched it felt he was doing this to me.. and my dad's brother and sister-in-law would always beat me-Psychologically. It was mean and frightening. I hated myself ..i didnt know to turn the guys off on the screeen or to start touching my body part. What do i do?
I am weak. I cant stand this. this was 1987. 1987.
I am 37 . It is what 24 years later and this is scary. And when i dont get mail in the internet i feel like someone will find out and pick me up and say " you are coming with me".

That is what it was. What i never told anyone here is there was a time that i was kidnapped by a stranger when i was 7 or 8 as well, but b/c some neghbourhood kids saw there were cops at the apartment where the guy had me. Still it was traumatic.
My brother doesnt give a shit; about my dad's sister-in-law and the kidnapping and the brainwashing they did... " oh you a a bad girl" as they would say laughing. My dad absolutley seen them put girl clothing on me and giggled with them..
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU DO? CALL THE COPS? HOW? His piece of crap mother laughed in on me as well..
i started to dress automatically to have them laugh at me sometime after. because their was no home!!! I had nothing.
I dont know how.. one time a road trip to the airport when i was a kid with my brother in the back seat, when we arrived in our small town i woke up and asked my parents " are we in Los Angeles? " what and where in the fuck does a kid no about Los Angeles at 7 or 8 years old.

I DONT WANT KIDS! NEVER! I LIKE VACCAHASAN ( i dont know how to spell his name properly). I wish somehow the symptooms of this craving to fuck up little kids can comoe forward and we see how we can reduce this / help it . The kids are scared they need help. Severe help. I know i do. I have a problem.
When i visit my parents place i want to get naked...
This is disgusting so i tried regular porn ,, this didnt feel so good . So off i went to the porn on the net... only with guys. I cant do this, anymore i neeed help.
I dont know how other guys do it or did it. I am weak. I am!
I have no home, yet i do. I am afraid of my mom and dad. I cant keep secrets. My best friend supports in keeping secrets. I have this aweful thoughts of sick writings where it destoys my parents culture ( serbia/macedonia). I do. Sometimes it feels good. I feel sometimes there should be a license before people decide to have a child. Maybe i am way in the deep end and fucked up. But i would love these fucking sick retards of my dad and mom and their relations , to be punished somehow..and i would like it if they heard this. And heard that it came from ME! I hate my dad's culture, i hate his family. I even thought of divorcing all ties. But my therapist once said to me " even if you changed your last name, it would not change what happend to you" .
So where is the ffriend? my grandma and brother didnt like it if i had a friend.. i was not allowed to have a friend . so now what?

#366126 - 07/17/11 11:24 PM Re: i am tired [Re: Sterling]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA

I celebrate your sharing, this is such good and productive work. When we refuse to share our thoughts, we "store" them in our bodies, in our hearts an in the corners of our mind, and they become toxic feelings, paranoia, fear, rage and a slew of other negative emotions.

Share them, express them, yell them from the top of tall buildings, but Share them!

You are among friends,

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014


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