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#365303 - 07/02/11 12:16 PM Re: I'm not proud of being a man [Re: Sailboat92]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 47
Loc: Florida, US
Well, I never *accepted* the fact that I was a man. The more I tried (military, car mechanic, etc) the more I worked to negate what I had done. I remember after four years in the Marine infantry, having to repeat over and over "I was really in the Marines" I would think to myself, but you weren't a good Marine (not tough enough, too fucked up, whatever) I have forcefully remind myself that I was honorably discharged, so I must have done something right. Even now as I type this there is an argument in my head about it. At least the argument has lessened over the last 25 years since I was discharged. I think it's the therapy and psychiatry that Ive had (16 - 20 years).

_________________________
"There is always hope."

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#365313 - 07/02/11 05:26 PM Re: I'm not proud of being a man [Re: SaberCat]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
A few years ago (can't remember the exact time or context) we had a discussion here on the site about not feeling like men because of the missing positive male influences that were in our lives when we were growing up. At the time I remember making a comment about how I had seen a Discovery or National Geo show on TV once about primitive tribes and how young boys grow into manhood in them. There is a bond that develops as the men of the tribe teach the younger ones about what being male is about in their culture - the hunting, providing for your family, showing them skills they will need in life to survive, how the women are to be treated and protected, how children of the tribe are to be nurtured, etc. It really was a very moving documentary and made me consider at the time how all of that instruction was missing from my childhood. I was never shown HOW to be male, and never shown any of the necessary live skills necessary to get by in our society. I still think a lot of that bonding and passing on of values and skills from elders to younger boys in our societies is sorely missing. The Scouts programs do a lot of that very well, but for the average boy not involved in that or with any positive male influences, making the transition to a man confident in who he is is difficult.

_________________________
Eddie

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#365340 - 07/03/11 06:00 AM Re: I'm not proud of being a man [Re: EGL]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
You are me and I am you- I feel the exact same, always, from the very first memory, shame, anxiety, and god, vie missed out on so much healthy natural easy love that can exist between two guy friends.. I used to watch the show " Thirtysomething" and imagine I was a part of their group of friends- my friends were always girls, my father called me every faggot, Pansy name in the book, all the while, my now deceased three year older brother is putting his penis in my mouth while my other brothers watch, I'm on trial in my bedroom during a sleepover, so my brothers friends can decide if I'm guilty of being gay, or queer, my mother ignores my father, he rages and drinks, all of my brothers excel at sports, I excel at running, but love writing, and acting, and I ask to joint baseball, as I remember it's the one sport I truly loved, my father said no- he hated it, instead I was put on a basketball team, to this day I hate that sport, then imam abused my a variety of friends of brothers...and all the while I wonder what it would be like not to have this past, and look at my body and see a masculine emboldened man, bot a bewildered, shameful nothing

_________________________
I don't have one

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#365344 - 07/03/11 07:20 AM Re: I'm not proud of being a man [Re: Sailboat92]
FormerTexan Offline
Administrator

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12125
Loc: Denver, CO
Agreed, Eddie. Some days it's hard to tell what's missing until a given situation presents itself.

_________________________
Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#365451 - 07/05/11 12:35 AM Re: I'm not proud of being a man [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Help! I'm an alien! shocked

I received abuse from both males and females. My Mother was emotionally (verbally) abusive. My Father was distant and hostile. My abusers (csa) were male.

I'm not proud of being a human being.


What is the answer to my own dilemma?

Yes things were very difficult for me as a boy. But:

1. When I was a baby, I was cared for by a loving black woman.

2. My Grandmother and Grandfather on my Mother's side were loving and giving people.

3. Music. I got involved early on in playing a musical instrument. This drew me into fellowship with others.

4. God. There were several distinct points in my childhood where I was "touched" by God. Not the least of these was that when I was "killed" by my perpetrator at age 12, I saw light all around and came back to life. A few months later I started on the music instrument. Then a few months after that a neighbor invited me (and family) to a Billy Graham Crusade. I felt God draw me to go forward to respond to his call. At that time I didn't go, but my family started going to church. Then a few years later I read a book by Billy Graham (Peace With God) and placed my faith in Jesus Christ.

Allen





Edited by pufferfish (07/05/11 12:38 AM)

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#365461 - 07/05/11 03:37 AM Re: I'm not proud of being a man [Re: Sailboat92]
Sailboat92 Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 79
Loc: Ct
Still ashamed and phony in ct for me..I'm so lost, I dontknow where to begin

_________________________
I don't have one

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#366083 - 07/16/11 06:50 PM Re: I'm not proud of being a man [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
The Help. This is part of my story too.

Originally Posted By: pufferfish


What is the answer to my own dilemma?

Yes things were very difficult for me as a boy. But:

1. When I was a baby, I was cared for by a loving black woman.



I learned in ABC's 20/20 that there are a bunch of us who were cared for by loving black women.

They interviewed one lady and ABC-20/20 allowed her to have a re-union with the lovely black lady. The lady told her: "You're my angel". The care-giver replied warmly: "Well honey you're my angel too". It brought a lot of tears to my eyes.

This is a heartwarming segment. I recommend it.

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/real-life-maid-child-cared-reunited-20-years/story?id=14079986

There is a movie on this and also a book (best-seller list): The Help, by:

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Movie-Tie--Kathryn-Stockett/dp/0425245136/

Allen





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