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#366227 - 07/19/11 04:41 PM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: somanyquestions]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 47
Loc: Florida, US

All I can contribute is that my CSA *ended* when I was 5. I can remember that at 5 or 6. I "liked" women/girls, specifically one part of them. I had many crushes on girls from age 6 onward. I'm still turned on by that "part" of a woman. The important thing is that this all happened considerably earlier than others. Most people I ask say that they had similar experiences (Not CSA, but crushes, etc) at 10 or 11. I've asked gays and they say the same thing.

My therapist says that being abused makes you sexualize everything from that point on. If you are molested earlier it happens earlier. It causes it's own set of issues that are different (not worse or better) than at a different time of your life. I don't know what I'd be if I wasn't molested. For me it happened so early that I don't have any memories before it.

"There is always hope."

#366230 - 07/19/11 06:20 PM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: thefutureorbust]
EdfromNYC Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 334
Loc: New York City
Your post said it all. Sexuality is not set by 4 or 5. That's a quack doctor. My experience suggests otherwise, too. I acted on SSA for many years directly after my molestation from a man until my mid 20s when I started fantasizing about women. Its confusing to say the least.

I don't have SSA anymore but it seems my body wants to experience that pleasure still. That's the confusing part but I guess I am learning to live with it.

And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

#366761 - 07/27/11 11:41 PM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: EdfromNYC]
thefutureorbust Offline

Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Its tough, especially for thos eof us who were abused in our formative years. My emotions, body and mind is conditioned by the imprint to be with a man. I have never acted out but as I've stated in previous posts I do have various types of SSA that can be confusing and bad on the self-esteem.

"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

#371720 - 10/05/11 01:44 PM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: somanyquestions]
peculiarstar Offline

Registered: 11/28/10
Posts: 14
Loc: Stuart, Florida USA
My sexuality is all twisted too. I could never have a relationship with a woman without it turning into some push-pull nightmare. I tried to the gay thing, but i found myself re-enacting the abuse by picking dominant older men who were a lot like my abuser. Everytime I came I felt a an overwhelming shame guilt. I have two people in my head to satisfy, one woman, one boy. So i've decided to be a woman in all my relationships with men. I still feel guilty about coming, but it's getting better. I feel like a freak in these relationships, but i have found genuine lovve so I stick with it. Twisted crap were left with because of our perpetrators, huh?

#371721 - 10/05/11 01:50 PM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: diamondheart]
peculiarstar Offline

Registered: 11/28/10
Posts: 14
Loc: Stuart, Florida USA
What if you were raped by your foster father duriing the ages of 4-6? (please don't refer me to Oprah, I really loathe her show)

#371722 - 10/05/11 01:59 PM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
peculiarstar Offline

Registered: 11/28/10
Posts: 14
Loc: Stuart, Florida USA
According to many of the therapists I've been with over the last 25 years, childhood rape is not something you can just "get over." It took years of therapy to learn not love the man who had his way with me when I was a little boy because he loved me in many non-sexual ways. The trauma is indelible. I can learn to cope with the trauma, flashbacks, relationship troubles, and sexual identity issues - but they will never go away.

#371784 - 10/06/11 04:45 AM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: peculiarstar]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my fraternal brothers.

A result of our abuse is sexual identity. Where did we get our sexual orientation from?

Our female (mom) abuser? Our male abuser? Or God?

Did God make a mistake in making me Gay?

My Catholic religion taught me that I was a precious gift from God, to my parent(s). But he made a mistake and delivered me to the wrong address.
I was also taught that I was made in HIS image and likeness. So he made me a Gay human being. Maybe he already knew that a man would love me (Ralph), instead of a woman (mom).

For me, I think that God made me that way, As a young boy i was always emotionally & mentally attracted to males.

I never was attracted to girls/females. I was fearful and afraid of them. And the ones that I did have some connection to there was never any emotions mentally or physically involved with them.

This young boy fell in love with his male perp. He was my adopted parent. He loved me after my "mom" gave me up as the wrong one that had survived a premature birth, I was useless and unwanted by her. She was my first total abuser, emotionally, mentally, physically & sexually, I was 5 years old. I became the "man" of the house at 8 years old. I was taken away from her at 10 years old and put in an orphanage/Home.

At the age of 8 Ralph came into my life. He loved me and I loved him, genuinely and totally. He and I were physically together between my 8Th-14year. I kept him in my mind, heart and soul emotionally connected for all of my life. I had never considered what he did to me as sexual, emotional & mental abuse. Right up to a month or so ago. I genuinely loved him. I think that he genuinely loved me too.

Impossible you say? Well look in the guide Victims No Longer, Page #77.
Beyond Betrayal, page # 12-13 a boy may fall in love with his seducer and his seducer may believe that he is in love with the boy. I did fall in love with him for all of my life.

So, SSA, Gay, Straight, confused all labels that belong on soup cans.

How about we are who we are, by the grace of God?

For me, a human being who just happens to be Gay and proud of who I am.

Wishing you all my compassion, understanding & love in figuring out just who you are. Either way I will accept you all for just being YOU.

That's my feelings about it, Rightly or wrongly. It's me.

Heal well, my fraternal brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.


Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

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