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#365689 - 07/09/11 02:26 AM Is there such a thing as being too honest
Kaene Offline

Registered: 07/04/11
Posts: 40
Loc: Ausin, TX
I'm a bit confused at the moment. Without going into too much unnecessary detail, my abuse has left me rather confused about my sexuality, and while I've had far more male partners than female partners I don't feel any emotional attraction to men. For me its purely sexual.

I am married and extremely happy with my wife (and monogamous) but as part of my decision to accept what happened to me and be honest, I told my wife about my sexual orientation issues. I expected her to vomit and then run out the door, but she has been very understanding. She has also been helping me explore some of my feelings with fantasy play and such... The only problem is just when I think both of us are really starting to get comfortable with it, I say something seemingly innocuous,which makes her very insecure. Unfortunately I am still early in my healing process, and because of insurance issues I haven't yet been able to seek professional help.

I guess what I'm wondering is, did I make a mistake in telling her. Was it too much too early. I want to be totally honest with my wife through this process , because I feel she deserves to know what's going on with me, but is it possible that there's such a thing as being too honest.

I have done everything in my power to show to her that she is the only person in the world for me, and she has confirmed her comitment to me, but every time she acts insecure it makes me feel shameful all over again.....

Gah I feel like I'm rambling, sorry frown

#365690 - 07/09/11 02:46 AM Re: Is there such a thing as being too honest [Re: Kaene]
brother2none Offline

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 269
Loc: Undisclosed
I think you're on the right track with being honest.

Keep talking through the ups and downs. Find out what makes her insecure about a comment.

I was once not long ago in your situation and it takes many many reassurances that you are not going to leave her for a guy.

#365699 - 07/09/11 04:53 AM Re: Is there such a thing as being too honest [Re: brother2none]
Kaene Offline

Registered: 07/04/11
Posts: 40
Loc: Ausin, TX
Thanks B2N, I know I need to be able to talk to someone about how I feel, and since she is as much a part of this as me I know that she needs to know. It's just so hard.

She also has some things that she needs to work through and one of them is trust issues, so I was expecting this upfront, but of course that doesn't make it any easier to bear. I've been gently suggesting that she needs to build her own support network, both for her past issues and to deal with what she must inevitably be feeling with my admissions, but so far I don't think she's ready to reach out.

It's good to hear that others have been in this situation before.

#365716 - 07/09/11 06:29 PM Re: Is there such a thing as being too honest [Re: Kaene]
WalkingSouth Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16270
Loc: Waldport, Oregon

I think that complete openness with her is the best. In other words communication with her is important. Probably the most important part of that communication would be continued reassurance that you're not interested in going outside your relationship with her but in monogamy, especially when those times come when you say something that contributes to her insecurities. She needs to know that you find her beautiful and desirable and sexually satisfying.


"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'Holy Shit! What a ride!'" ~Hunter S. Thompson

#365722 - 07/09/11 09:28 PM Re: Is there such a thing as being too honest [Re: Kaene]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
Your honesty kaene is something every other survivor here is truly in awe of. That degree of trust is so commendable for one of us, I you must have done things right to get to that point.

According to dan savage, the therapist , what you did was absolutey right. you dont want to leave and you have these fantasies that you want to explore within a monogomous relationship

there are two issues i see

one , as dan would say you did the right thing . you are looking to be satisfied sexually and if it involves whatever,then that was very brave of you. you were honest and vulnerable and committed to openness and that is exactly what a marriage should be. if your wife is good, giving and game she should be able to do that, its not dangerous or a harmful fetish say extreme bondage in any way. It is up to her to accept that you shared something so deeply personal. What you did , is a truly remarkable thing and i admire you courage, something most survivors including me, do not possess a lot of. you need to help her see that that degree of sharing was remarkable, that must not be lost, it was HUGE.

If she cant accept it and you never plan to do anything other than inside your marriage, well then you know that she is not someone on the same level of acceptance as you. If this is a problem for her, and it may be, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot control it so you must accept it. The question is then what do. If she accepts this and is GGG with true appreciation of the giant leap of courage and faith you have taken, and times it by 10 since you are a survivor,well then you will have a great marriage. But if she cant accept it, she cant and she is entitled not to(she didnt sign up for it knowingly) then you have to make a choice, either bury your true self or move on. Those are your only options.

The other big question is do you just have ssa and fantasies or is their something more to it. That is an even bigger issue. YOu need to find a T to help you understand your true orientation. You may be str8 with ssa fantasies, bi , or indeed you could also be gay and have just never allowed yourself to accept that. It is a common thing for survivors to suppress and not express their true feelings, whatever they are. I wouldn't pretend to think that anyone other than YOU with the help of a T truly adept at this issue without any social , personal or religious dogma to cloud the view and acceptance could help you.

I wish you well on your journey, it sounds like you both have some work to do. All the best.

Again you were not too honest, it is something any of us with csa or any addiction struggle with every day. Did I mention that what you did was HUGE!


Edited by 1lifenow (07/09/11 09:36 PM)
The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

#365842 - 07/12/11 07:50 AM Re: Is there such a thing as being too honest [Re: 1lifenow]
mike13 Offline

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Welcome Kaene
Talking to your wife is a very big step. It took me twenty years before I had the guts to tell my wife. I must say after she knew the truth alot of things about me started to make sense. She could not figure other why I was so uncomfortable around others. I have had strungles with porn for over 30 years. It was pulled me out of some very deep depressions but anything that does not include your parnter is a two edged sword. My wife know understands my need for porn but it still hurts her a great deal. I think it is great that you are trying to work things out with your wife and I look forward to following your process Welcome aboard Mike


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