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#364465 - 06/18/11 05:44 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
SpideySense Offline

Registered: 05/24/11
Posts: 25
Loc: USA
Thanks Robbie!

What you said means alot!!!!


#364473 - 06/18/11 08:59 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lucy

Sorry to meet you here, but welcome and strength to you. A lot of good advice is given here and only you can make the decision.
Its odd but I read a lot of stories here and all are the same, we all display the same things as survivors, Addiction, Rage, withdrawal, Fear of intimacy (real intimacy). The question is does he want to heal, does he want to take the chance at having a real happy and Fulfilled life. It is not impossible, but he needs to embrace recovery, embrace the pain and fear, this is a choice only he can make, and it is an option you can give him.
The most important thing here, and I know this is tough to hear, is, Your well being. Your future, your happiness, your dreams and your hopes for the future. Are you willing to give these all up for a man who doesn't want to help himself?
It is a different story if he does want to embrace recovery, then there is hope, but if he refuses, there a lot of pain. Ask My wife she endured 20 years of my crap and abuse before I decided to get well. She wanted to run away but along came a child and a house and the dogs and the cars, and it all gets a little harder to get out. She then had to put up with my lying ass for 20 years before I discovered what the root cause for my problems was. CSA.
All has changed since then, we are still together and I love her More today than ever before. I now understand love, I understand her, and that she only wants the best for me.

I suppose there is light at the end of the tunnel, and its not a speeding train, but YOU need to know what you are in for.
Think carefully, of only ONE thing......... What do I want for MY life. you are not your lovers keeper, but if you choose to keep him it is YOUR choice.

Heal well Lucy

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#364790 - 06/23/11 02:23 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
lovingBen Offline

Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 38
support systems and self-educating are my saving grace.learning to de-code is exhausting...when you're right, you still have to code back. getting the code and then responding in your own language shuts him down. mirror his expressions in the same way he has communicated them to you. let hin know you love him with the same paramters and getsures he's the only safe way for that exchange to happen for him.

when i do it that way, he beams and wells up lovingly...he just can't say certain things, and unfornately, those are the ver the very things we long to hear....but his abuser stole them from him.

like, it took a while for me to figure this out, but whenever i would miss him terribly, our next encounter i would lovingly say "i really missed you" and he would go white and put his head down and not say much. one day, in anger, when i missed i him i was kind of cold and stand offish when i picked him up, and let him go first...he squeezed my thigh and said "it's really good to see you" i was sort of happy about that but was also like, "really?...that's all i get?"

i let it go that way a couple of times before my T explained this all to me.

so the next time he did it, i did the exact thing back, and he connected straight into my heart...he understood i finally knew what that meant and he didn't have to say those terrifying words his abuser stoale from him...the abuser started each "session" with "i missed you" every instead of the loving expressions we mean to convey all the time, are often triggers of terror for them.

we do the same thing with smiley faces now too. in the middle of the nite he will just txt a smiley face. he can't say i love you, i miss you, i'm thinking of you...but he can send a smiley face and i know that that's what that means...that took a while to figure because of couse, when you txt something loving and vulnerbale to your partner and all you get is a smiley face...well, not understanding what it really means feels like a dismissal...bujt when i figure out that was like the "it's really good to see you" code, he figured out i understood it too. figuring that out has allowed for deeper communication between us. he opens up more and is able to say more and more as time, his recovery, and his confidence that i am not leaving increases and that i am doing my best to understand and embrace the much deeper things he means from the much smaller verbal expressions.

everyone's journey is different, but i hope this helps in some small way...what i know for me, is that, if he didn't really love me, he would have bolted a long time ago given how many times i have reacted badly before i self-educated enough...i have done the exact opposite of how to safely engage many times, and explosions were had, but within 24 hours, i look up what is happening in the books and here, i understand his feelings better, and we reconnect...and he codes to me his appreciation that i am going through the steps of recovery too...just the partner version....and i code back how much i love and support him with a sniley face txt--even though we're sitting in th same room.

PM me anytime...and remember, learning the code and how not to take what feels like outrageous hurtfulness personally is your magic shield--especially because it often is just failed attempts of expressing love from his terrified heart.

#365372 - 07/03/11 08:25 PM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: SpideySense]
katie1205 Offline

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
All I can tell you is if he is "just going through the motions" and talking the talk but not walking the walk, there's not much YOU can do. Honestly. I just started treatment with my husband and it's like I tell him, if he doesn't tell them everything going through his brain and be honest about it and want to change, he's wasting our money and time. He has to honestly want to be open enough to get the help he needs. Otherwise, you are pouring time and money down the drain. IMHO.


#365535 - 07/06/11 07:06 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: katie1205]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
See...he owns this CSA horror-show in his head. He owns it and its in a special box of his construct to protect it so no one can see it. If you try to pry it ever see Indiana Jones when the Nazis open the Arch of the Covenent? Like that...with my box anyway.

very true

#365827 - 07/12/11 03:41 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: Still]
wifeofA Offline

Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 3
So I have, in the last 4mos., discovered that my husband cheated on me and carried on an email affair with the same woman(an old high school fling). Shortly after I found the emails that flipped our world upside down my husband told me he had been abused for about a year in his very early teens. I turned from betrayed wife to a supportive spouse ( I was the first he has told EVER).

#365833 - 07/12/11 05:50 AM Re: Please help! I don't want to give up on him! [Re: wifeofA]
katie1205 Offline

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
Okay,first breathe. Did he have an actual affair or just an email affair? That's important. Victims often turn to online affairs and porn addictions and such so that's not so unusual. If your husband had an actual real life affair, that changes things. You need to go to your OB/GYN or GP and get tested for various things. I know some people will say I am over reacting but he literally slept with everyone she slept with and if you slept with him so did you. Not trying to scare you. And molestation is not an excuse to cheat on your wife and you need to find him a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse so he can deal with that. And if he had an affair affair, you need a therapist for you and see if his sexual abuse therapist also does couple's therapy. That's my just off the cuff advice.

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