My story begins around 1977 or 78. My father died when I was 8 after years of dealing with the aftermath of a tragic electrocution accident which left my sister and I vulnerable, and me seeking a father figure to give me that love that I was missing.
My mother went through a series of boyfriends, some were abusive. Most were alcoholics. I love and respect my mother. She was a hard working provider, but she picked the worst men, besides my father, Iím told. One of them was sitting with my sister on the couch one day playing his ďGet your boobyĒ game with her. He was grabbing her where he shouldnít have, and laughing like it was lots of fun. By the look on her face, she wasnít having any fun. Frightened, I laughed, or pretended to, I donít know which, but I knew it was wrong. Years later, I finally apologized to my sister. I donít know exactly how many abuses she had to endure, Iím not even sure when mine started, or how many I dealt with, but I remember three pretty clearly.
The first time, I was 12 or 13. My mother, her current boyfriend, and I went on a trip to see a brother of mine. He is about 9 years older than I, which made him about 21 or22. After we visited for a while, and then my brother had to go to the store. He asked me if I wanted to ride, I said sure. I couldnít miss a chance to hang out with him. He was the youngest male sibling I had, me being the youngest in the bunch. He stopped by a convenience store, went in for a few minutes while I waited in the car. When he came out, he had a copy of Playboy In his hand. He climbed into the car, and handed it to me. I excitedly began flipping through it. I had seen these kinds of magazines before. He had hid one in an out building at my house once that I found, so I knew what they were about. As I flipped through, he chided me, and asked me if I liked it, of course I said yes. He then took off down the road. As he was driving, he asked me if I wanted oral sex. My first thought was that he knew some chicks that would, so I said yes. He then proceeded to drive here and there like he was looking for something, or some place. I started wondering, ďCouldnít he remember where the girls lived or whatĒ. Finally, he pulled into a storage facility, stopped the car, killed the lights, and turned to look at me with a look that I will never forget. It was at that moment that I realized what was going on. He knew we had to get back, so he cut it short that time, and we went back to his apartment with the others.
The second time was probably a year later. My mom was letting me visit my siblings during the summer. It was nice until I went to stay with this particular brother. I donít remember how long I stayed, but his wife was away while I was there. He didnít try anything at first, but he did begin to tease me for simple things. One night he tried to take me into a porn theater, but the guy behind the counter said that I couldnít go in, so we left. Then we went back to his place where he took advantage of the moment. This time he finished the job, just when I didnít think it could get any worse.
The third time was a different person, maybe two years later. I had learned to drink heavily by that time, on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I was with a friend of mine and an older guy. This older guy was kind of a Christian type, married to a beautiful young wife, raised in a strict Christian household. Iím pretty sure that he was stuck hiding his real sexual identity, which is why he attacked me. Anyhow, he agreed to but my buddy and I a case of beer, and we could hang out with him. He was a musician, like me, so I thought he was pretty cool. He drove us around for a little while. We then went back to his place. His wife was away, of course. My buddy and I finished drinking. We went to climb into bed to pass out. My buddy was a little ahead of me, so he was out by the time I climbed in bed beside him. I laid there spinning a little, and I was just about to fall asleep when I heard the older guy enter the room. I pretended to be already asleep, but he climbed into bed beside me, opposite my buddy. I felt him scoot in right against me and begin to caress me. I knew what was happening, without a doubt. I tried as hard as I could to pretend to be sleeping, but his hand went into my underwear, rubbing me, and he started kissing me, forcing his cold tongue into my mouth. I still can feel his whiskers grinding into my face. After a few minutes, I gave up, and just began to play along. I knew by then that he would not be denied. So we went into the other room, so as not to wake my friend. Sometime later, I was back at his house with my buddy. His wife and sister were there this time, so I felt safe. Apparently he had felt guilty for what he had done and confessed to his wife, who then confided in his sister. The sister, not being a very nice person took the opportunity to publicly call me out for having sex with her brother. I had never felt so ashamed.
After the first abuse, I tried to talk to someone about it, but quickly realized that it wasnít so easy, so I bottled it up, and tried to convince myself that it wasnít so bad. I told myself that it didnít bother me, and to chalk it up to experience, but inside I felt shame, anger, fear, and guilt. Thankfully I did have another brother who spent time with me, and taught me other things, like how to fish and work on cars. I thanked him recently for the difference he made. I would have otherwise been a total loss.
I initiated sex between my brother and I twice more after I had grown up, both times were 3 ways with my first wife involved. Both times were in an effort to spice up my failing marriage, but the second time, I took things out on my brother. After a lot of soul searching, I figured that I was just trying to make him feel as dirty as he made me feel, I guess I succeeded, though I was never proud of it.
My life got pretty crazy, and virtually meaningless for a long time. Thankfully I found a woman who showed me what was the beginning of my pathway to healing. We embarked on a spiritual path together, and she was strong enough to endure my craziness through it all. She still doesnít fully trust me because of some of the things that Iíve done to her, but Iíve made up a lot of ground.
Thank you MS for giving me the pathway to what I feel will be the healing that Iíve been looking for all of my life, and thank you Oprah for bringing male sexual abuse into the limelight so we could finally realize that we are not alone.
Love to all
Edited by ModTeam (07/08/11 10:45 PM)
Edit Reason: Trigger warning added.