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#365505 - 07/05/11 11:44 PM So much to process...
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
I love him. I hurt for the little boy who become the man I married. He told no one of the abuse until 4 years ago when the therapist he went to for porn addiction coaxed it out of him. It was too painful a memory and he stopped going to therapy. He says the affairs started shortly after that. I found out about them 6 weeks ago and I'm reeling. He's broken. Propped up with his own distorted view of himself. I'm brokenhearted. I made a commitment. I want to leave but God says stay. Is this not in sickness and in health? He's back in therapy. He's trying so hard. All I want to do is run. I feel so selfish for letting his acting out crush me so. Why can't I convince my heart to see that he really didn't mean to hurt me. The sex probably really didn't mean anything to him. He probably really does love me and our small children.

I took divorce off the table per his request. I want to believe he can be healed. I cry out to God. I cry. I am so afraid. I'm afraid to tie up my life in someone so broken. I'm afraid that to walk out would be the worst thing I could do--for me, for him, for our kids. I do love him.

In my heart, I charge forward. I also retreat. If I hurt this bad, how overwhelming must his pain be? Who would do that to my five year old husband? I want to hate the person who did this to him, but that person needs prayers and forgiveness too. Surely his nightmares are no different than the ones that plague my husband.

I want wholeness for him. Not because it will be good for us if we are still together. But because he deserves it. I want it for our children who know nothing of his struggle at this point--the whole community is the beneficiary? of his skilled deceit.

I teeter dangerously close to reclusiveness. As deceitful as he is, I am honest. The secrecy chokes me. The fakeness sickens me. I want him to be free. I want him to choose the freedom that comes from speaking the truth. But he isn't ready, and I know I can't push him. So I hover uneasily between being my truthful self, and protecting him from further harm.

He is trying. I see it. I feel it. He is scared too, I see it, I feel it. But I want to run. I won't. But God knows I want to.

Wife of a survivor

#365510 - 07/06/11 01:35 AM Re: So much to process... [Re: GoodHope]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
Thank you for sharing, eldee.

As the previous man in your posts, I can tell you that my wife of 22 years has found a new man to love and cherish.., me. She has been faithful and loyal, discouraged and hurt, and never let me think I was anything less than the man she loves and will remain with for the rest of her life.

It is impossibly difficult for a supporter, in my opinion, so thank you, eldee, for supporting against the odds.

This hurt man has a facade, a personality he turns into when he needs to be charming, smart and make his parents proud. This mask has served him well for decades, and he has sealed all the cracks and perfected it. As flawless as it is, is as damaged and as broken as he is the other way. Abused, controlled, hyper sexual, hyper vigilant, paranoid, terrified, his emotions never matured from his abuse, he is a 5 year old trying to determine right and wrong.

You are strong and resilient, and for us, the rewards are immeasurable. She saved me, and I saved me, and MaleSurvivor has shown us how.

Please keep expressing yourself, in truth and honesty, in raw emotion, nothing should be held back, not here, not in this healing place. What you are doing is immense, and you will need to express those feelings here, I urge you to do so.

Thank you for your efforts,

MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#365536 - 07/06/11 07:21 AM Re: So much to process... [Re: SamV]
sugarbaby Offline

Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 382
The secrecy chokes me. The fakeness sickens me.

Me too.

#365554 - 07/06/11 06:21 PM Re: So much to process... [Re: sugarbaby]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Eldee.
Thanks so much for sharing. I know that you are going through a tough time.
As a survivor myself, I know that I put my wife through hell. The Alcoholism, porn addiction, lack of intimacy and the manipulating and lying, where but a few of the things that I did.
So I know that you hurt, but I also know that the majority of the survivors go on to be incredibly loving caring husbands. It is precisely because of our past that we do become these people, we know what it is like to be hurt, therefore we try not to hurt others. This is of course only after we have healed.
The lying and deception are things that he does because this is how he has spent a large portion of his life. It isn't something that can be turned of, this is why we have therapy. It is something that we learn from our wonderful wives, and something that they push us to do.

I see that the big D word has come up, and that the husband has asked for this to be removed? This shows me that he really does love you, and cares for you, I was at this point and it was from here that my healing started. One of my wife's conditions was that I was to be totally honest with her. If I had ideas about going onto the net to do bad stuff, I was to tell her. If I had evil thoughts about anything, I was to tell her. This might not be anyone's cup of tea,but for me it taught me that could be honest, and like all other bad habits, it can be unlearned.

Eldee I guess what I am saying is that If you are willing to stick with this man, and He is willing to heal, then it may be worth it.
I hope you hang in there

Heal well and God Speed

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#365615 - 07/07/11 07:18 PM Re: So much to process... [Re: whome]
aloved1 Offline

Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas

Very eloquently said...thank you for sharing. As a partner of a survivor myself, I can relate to the things you say. I, too, hurt for the little boy who has become my broken boyfriend. I keep a picture of one of his toddler pictures underneath my mattress and occasionally I pull it out and cry for him, wanting so badly to protect who is in that picture. I know this may sound crazy to some, but it is what it is.

I also want to say to please not feel selfish for how you feel. You are hurting, too, and are entitled to your feelings. This is a great place to come express those feelings. Look at the wonderful support from the survivors here! They give such hope. I agree with whome in that your husband really does love you, he just has to sort through his feelings and pain.

It is not an easy journey by any means, but if the willingness is there on his part and the support is there on your part, it can be a journey of many rewards.

God Bless the both of you.

#365617 - 07/07/11 07:42 PM Re: So much to process... [Re: aloved1]
GoodHope Offline

Registered: 07/05/11
Posts: 428
Thank you for giving me hope. It's what I've been missing. It feels hopeless and in this scenario, I am not in the drivers seat, nor can I ever be, so I'm depending on him to keep getting the help he needs. Thank you for the view from the other side. I just keep trying to remind myself, one day at a time.

Wife of a survivor


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