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#399319 - 06/04/12 07:06 AM Re: Attraction to specific type of men- reason? [Re: metsfan257]
eltoro65 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 11
Loc: chicago
Would it be helpful for you to give yourself permission to feel o.k. with feeling attracted to someone who does not fit into a "type"?

Edited by eltoro65 (06/04/12 07:08 AM)

#399368 - 06/04/12 06:09 PM Re: Attraction to specific type of men- reason? [Re: metsfan257]
peroperic2009 Offline

Registered: 10/09/11
Posts: 3864
Loc: South-East Europe
Hey guys I love this thread.
I've done some research in this subject and I've found one interesting article about mammalian model that links olfactory/pheromonal input from the social environment to hormonal influences on sexual behavior. We humans are mammals and by that fact we share some common traits like all mammals even we have been to some degree more complex because of our ability of cognitive thinking. So in case of researching human sexuality it is very difficult to separate cognitive effects, like thoughts, from unconscious affects, like neuroendocrine changes, that may be manifest as human emotions. It seems that there are some facts that are showing us that some our preferences are resulting from very complex interactions of our genes and social environment resulting in specific sexual preferences. I find some parts of article very interesting so I've copied it here:
"In non-human animals, a causal relationship must exist among the development of sexual preferences for attractive physical features and how these preferences are manifest in sexual behavior. This causal relationship must develop before sexual preferences or sexual behaviors are expressed. Whether or not it is acknowledged, such a causal relationship appears to exist before human sexual preferences are fully developed and long before adult sexual behavior is expressed."

"Kohl, Atzmueller, Fink, and Grammer (2001) have integrated research findings that link mammalian pheromones to unconscious affects on human behavior. They proposed that sexual preferences for attractive human physical features are readily influenced by the effect of pheromones on gonadotropin releasing hormone (GnRH)-directed, gonadotropin-modulated androgenic and estrogenic changes in the brain. Because androgenic and estrogenic changes in the brain are not consciously perceived, the hormonal changes associated with pheromones and their effect on GnRH are considered to be unconscious affects. These unconscious affects supposedly occur in the brain during conditioning of the human visual response to olfactory/pheromonal input. Thus, hormone-dependent putative human pheromone production and hormone-dependent pheromone distribution from conspecifics (other members of the species) are what condition sexual preferences for hormone-associated characteristics, such as facial symmetry, facial attractiveness, waist-to-hip ratio, and most, if not all, hormone-associated physical features."

"Gottfried and Dolan (2003) have shown that appetitive neural responses to a particular food can be generated by pairing odor with the sight of a computer-generated image. The ability to make neural connections between appetitive or aversive odors and relevant or irrelevant visual stimuli is a part of learning that is probably common to all animals. This type of learning is how picture advertisements might effectively enroll the development of human food preferences. For example, a picture of a steak may positively or negatively influence appetite. The unconscious affect of the picture on appetite involves a form of classical conditioning of the visual response to olfactory input."

"Obviously, no mammal cognitively chooses to eat food that lacks olfactory appeal, and humans do not eat pictures of food. On the other hand, even though the same visual stimulus is processed, a picture of a steak is unlikely to look good to someone whose classically conditioned odor-associated food preferences and ingestive behavior make them a vegetarian. Therefore, it is reasonable to consider individual comments on how food looks as little more than a means to describe the food’s chemical or olfactory appeal."

"People who have developed different food preferences in accord with variations in the reward value of ingestive behavior may not agree on olfactory/odor appeal; the food might not look good to everyone. Similarly, preferences for erotic imagery could be expected to correlate with one’s conditioned visual response to olfactory/pheromonal input and its reward value or sexual effect. Thus, erotic visual imagery of a female, and most likely the female herself, will lack any classically conditioned olfactory/pheromonal (e.g., hormonal) association and chemical appeal for a male who has developed a sexual preference for other males. This may explain why some erotic imagery of human females does not always attract, arouse, or look good to all human males, why erotic imagery has no value to other mammals, and why humans develop sexual preferences for specific erotic imagery."

"Sexual preferences might even compare well with categories of carnivore and herbivore ingestive behavior. Further classification of the animalistic behavior of human “carnivores” and “herbivores” might include preferences for steak or broccoli, leading to the categories of steak-lover or chicken-lover, and broccoli-lover versus broccoli-hater, ad infinitum due to the nearly infinite number and combinations of categories that could be associated with food preferences."

It seems that there are some specific reasons why every one of us has been attracted to some person (no matter on sex). Those attractions seem to be unconscious result of some chemical stimulus to which we are sensitive because of our genetics. I've found some of this very interesting giving us some other perspective, don't you think?

Here is the link to article:

My story

#402168 - 06/29/12 10:37 PM Re: Attraction to specific type of men- reason? [Re: metsfan257]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
This is me as well.

I am attracted to conservative-looking white-haired men with no memory of being abused by a man of this type. (although I do have a suspect.)

I am not attracted to men my age or muscular men at all. Repelled by them.

But white-haired mature men? I'm helpless.
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#404237 - 07/21/12 02:58 AM Re: Attraction to specific type of men- reason? [Re: metsfan257]
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia

I too am trying to work through SSA issues and I’ve talked this over with my therapist many times.

I thought I do have is your desire to try and recall if there was previous, suppressed abuse that is perhaps related to the ‘criteria’ of men who trigger you.

I don’t wish to dissuade you in any way of pursuing that however I would offer the thought that even if you do learn more about your past I wonder how that will help reduce the affect of the SSA you experience?

I know for my own recovery I have gained many ‘answers’ as to the type of male that triggers my SSA but I also have to say that knowing the ‘why’ is only part of the recovery.

Unfortunately I do not really believe (in my case at least) that the knowing has reduced these triggers. They’re just as upsetting as ever even though I wished with all my heart they would stop.

I’d like to say, working towards dealing with the SSA and how it affects you is equally important. Whether that’s you intentionally acting on ‘desires’ or perhaps trying to minimise those affects on you. I think a goal to work towards is having you more in control. Easier said that done I know as I’m far from there myself.

Keep well.

#405457 - 08/01/12 05:37 AM Re: Attraction to specific type of men- reason? [Re: metsfan257]
Napoleon Offline

Registered: 04/07/11
Posts: 190
Loc: Utah
My sexual abuse defiantly "affected" by my sexual attraction. I see my abuse at 8 and my abuse at 17 both had significant effect… Its like using wire to shape a tree when it’s a sapling, its branches are forever shaped that way.
�Your only limit within reason, is the one that you set up in your own mind.� Napoleon Hill, The Law of Success, 1925.

#405519 - 08/01/12 04:25 PM Re: Attraction to specific type of men- reason? [Re: metsfan257]
cant_remember Offline

Registered: 02/26/05
Posts: 1070
I, too, have embraced the sapling/tree metaphor to describe our situation, as my avatar image here indicates.

MetsFan, you're not alone or crazy. You and I are in practically identical situations.
I'll be just fine and dandy
Lord, it's like a hard candy Christmas
I'm barely getting through tomorrow
But I won't let sorrow get me way down.

#467875 - 07/22/14 11:06 PM Re: Attraction to specific type of men- reason? [Re: metsfan257]
ethereo222 Offline

Registered: 07/19/14
Posts: 8
Loc: SW Virginia
Okay I'll come in from left field here, 2 years after the last message.
Mets, I wonder if the "look" you are drawn to is because in those features you see something positive that you admire and perhaps want to take on some of those affectations as your own. It may not have anything to do with anyone from your early years at all. Having a close relationship where there are qualities you see as good for yourself can only be beneficial, I would think...
knights and heroes are never tasked with the easy road

#470351 - 09/22/14 05:19 PM Re: Attraction to specific type of men- reason? [Re: metsfan257]
1islandboy Offline

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 906
Loc: washington
I have been thinking a lot about this same topic as of late. My thing is this, "Hurt people, hurt people"....with this in mind. I have an attraction to bodies of men that fill the role of "Father Hunger", that I so desperately desired back in the day. I am not sure that I have this all figured out, as some of the attraction is organic (and I honor the fact I recognize that part of that. So it also helps if they have a kind and gentle personality exactly opposite of that of my dad. This gets all the more complicated as I have trust issues with men. I am not saying they can't be resolved, I am just saying that I recognize that they are there. I guess, as I get older, I am learning these same traits can be read more as a potential rather than a thing we naturally posses. The reason I say this is I am not closing the door on having a relationship with either sex at this point, and if that person is striving, perhaps so am I.

I respect what a lot of professionals have to say as far as orientation is concerned. The simple fact that CSA alone can't exclusively make you gay...O.K I get it. But at the same time I also believe that it can flip switches that are already predisposed within you. i.e.. I have close relatives that are one hundred percent gay. The one thing that I advise I heed for myself, is to not force the issue. (I have driven myself to feel rather psychotic, and am just not into that chaos anymore). That is why, I found huge relief when I first started calling myself a "Pomosexual". The fact of the math is, I can't unring the bell. So woulda, coulda shoulda isn't in my vocabulary. My sexual matrix is and will always be corrupted. That's why, in the end, it is absolutely crucial that I focus on moving forward.

Before I get into what, I think or say on this topic, I just want to personally throw out that there are attractions and what we do with those attractions. Part of my recovery illuminated that there is a big difference between what I say or do. Your solution might be one hundred percent different from my solution. I believe some times it has less to do with abusers and more to do with those that can help heal and nurture our spirit. I actually got involved with somebody during the questioning part of my life. I wrote about it here. MaleSuvivor has allowed this unorganized, Ptsd, anxiety ridden survivor a opportunity to work through everything as an avenue to create a loose fitting recovery diary...

The post is created is called, "Same Sex Sexual Surrogate" (members side). What I am trying to say is, I have wasted a lot of time in comparing my past and trying to compare it to, "my reality of the now in the present". It wasn't a total waste though, as the wisdom I have gleaned from this exercise, is that I am discovering, that I desire something healthy that is hard to put into context. As my disfunction past hasn't afforded me the luxuries. I understand that it is a hard knot to unravel, but also believe it feels absolutely fantastic to realize that I just found a lighthouse in the fog of my recovery. Hopefully, you will have the same luck in exploring and finding your truths.

Broken (Seether)


Edited by 1islandboy (09/23/14 06:18 AM)
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

#471557 - 10/23/14 02:20 AM Re: Attraction to specific type of men- reason? [Re: metsfan257]
metsfan257 Offline

Registered: 05/26/10
Posts: 15
Hi All, I see some recent posts in here, all good to read, thanks.

I didn't realize my original post was over 2 years ago - it makes me realize how little has changed in that time, lol. I haven't made any strides in understanding or repairing myself, but hopefully will put more effort into it in the future. I've done a ton of self-analyzing and I'm still trying to figure out how to reconcile what I'd consider the two halves of my sexual identity.

At 33, I have to accept that I am and will always be attracted to older men - the reason for it is still important to me but not as important as accepting it... The thing is, if I were simply attracted to older men because that's just who I am, that's one thing, but the reality is that my attraction is perverse and stems from stuff that happened to me when I was younger. It engrained something in me that carries to this day. My abuse was not shameful or hurtful like many here - it was calculated and beyond messed up, but I didn't realize until it was too late that I was manipulated... I was a boy who lost his father and two different men stepped in and filled that role for me, while abusing me. Even now as an adult, when I meet men who I could look up to in that role, I can't NOT think about them sexually. That's not who I want to be.

My attraction to men is strictly physical and maybe emotional on some level, but for all the wrong reasons. With women, I have strong romantic emotional attractions but years of sexual identity issues have lead to lack of experience with that side, which has lead to severe confidence issues. How do I help these issues? By continuing to seek out the comfortable - older men. It really is messed up!! I have a hard time imagining myself being able to be fully happy because these two things are completely opposing forces.

Enough rambling for now I guess

#471562 - 10/23/14 03:21 AM Re: Attraction to specific type of men- reason? [Re: metsfan257]
don64 Offline

Registered: 10/09/13
Posts: 1106
Thank you guys for continuing this topic. I don't have anything to add right now, but there are things here that feel like they are fertilizing and watering places in me that are helping me somehow.

Perhaps it's just permission to not have all the answers right now, and that it's ok.

Divine Law is not judgment or denial of self truths. Divine Law is honoring harmony that comes from a peaceful mind, an open heart, a true tongue, a light step, a forgiving nature, and a love of all living creatures. Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

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