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#36527 - 06/25/02 08:05 PM Memories?
tjcowden Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/13/02
Posts: 8
Loc: North Carolina
Hey guys,

I'm not sure if this will help anyone but, what the hell. I don't understand why it is so important for us to learn the details of our abuse. I guess I don't get what that is supposed to accomplish. I've read many of the same books that you have and have gone through the steps that the author recommended. But throughout it all I never could figure out why I needed to re-live the abuse. For me, once was enough. The knowledge of the fact that I was abused is enough for me. I feel that it is far more important to deal with the ramifications of the abuse than to try to remember all the gory details. I continue to read books and gather as much information as possible to help me learn how to deal with all this. Some things I've been able to finally accept and others I will probably take with me to the grave. All I can do is live the life that was given me and make the best of the time I have left.

I pray that all you guys are able to come to terms with the abuses that happened when we were boys. It was out of our control. As I was going through treatment I would always picture myself at my current age rather than a helpless 11 year old boy. When I accepted that I couldn't do anything to stop it is when I think my healing was really able to start.

All my prayers.

#36528 - 06/26/02 10:37 AM Re: Memories?
fmighell Offline

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
Hello tjcowden,
For me, I would want to know which of my memories
were actually to me, to be true,
and not memories that I had made up, as a way to deal with something I wasn't able to then.
Sometimes I remeber of an sexual abuse by a lifeguard but am I just using the lifeguard because as a kid, I wasn't able to accept that my Dad was sexually abusing me.
So much was going on at the time of my SA that I was dissociating what was happening to me.
True it was SA by someone and the effects or my reactions are the same in either case,
I'm all mest up, but with different twisting to my feelings are different with different people and how I feel with them, and
In a court of law, would my story be actual, there is a differents between gulity and inocent.
fmighell anc ak :rolleyes:

#36529 - 06/26/02 11:41 AM Re: Memories?
embersglow Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/18/02
Posts: 19
Loc: Minn
For me, the only reason I relive it is to let go of the emotions I have held in about the horror, the retreival of the reality in order to have conviction for my outrage as a person, and the reworking of the belief system I developed as a result of the messages my mind was given by being used by people who said they loved me.

Those messages and beliefs have led me to horrible relationships with pathlogical liars, sex addicts, and even once with a female pedophile. (I didn't know it at that time)

I want a different life, as free from the abuse and its affects as I can. I work now as a counselor for teens who were all abused, and I used to feel like a hypocrite about helping them to heal until my actual memories and related items began to surface in earnest.

For me, it is like PTSD, and the trauma has been playing itself out on a big screen under the surface, affecting and coloring everything I do.

By accepting it and making it real, I am accepting this reality today and finding some balance.

Also, the most damage done was in my relationship with myself, and a concept of god. I never believed it happened, was having a really rotten life with addictions and such, and had no hope. I believed I deserved the abuse, and stayed in really rotten situations, tolerating things most would find intolerable. Shame and humiliation were a way of life. I thought god hated me. People loved me, but I couldn't really feel loved. When I started the process of real healing, allowing the memories to come, my night terrors stopped and things made sense for the first time in my life.

Depression for me was simply repression. And shame has kept me in my room in fear and confusion for 30 years. Always feeling flawed, and missing out on so much!

So by accepting the memories and letting go of the repressed emotions, by feeling them in a safe place with support, I think, feel, and do life differently today than yesterday.

The sense of uegency isn't as pronounced, and I am looking forward to true fun and enjoyment. Got a hell of a mess to clean up in lots of ways, but the innder battle isn't raging anymore.

Maybe the people who have always remembered don't need to go through this process. I don't know. Mine was buried deep.

Accepting the memories by allowing the boy inside to speak has also given me new respect for myself as a human. What remarkable and amazing creatures we are. To create a reality in my mind in order to survive the horrible one I was living is incredible!

I deserve to know, to feel, and to live today...

Whew. Long post.

Take care. Ken

#36530 - 06/26/02 11:54 PM Re: Memories?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Maybe the people who have always remembered don't need to go through this process. I don't know. Mine was buried deep.
that's a good point, and now you point it out something that becomes more obvious as you see guys on this site who are desperately seeking to recover memories. I suppose they have a fleeting idea of what happened and need to know for sure, I can understand that, it's an itch that needs to be scratched.
Personally my experience is the opposite, I can remember what happened, who did what, where it took place. I've remembered since it stopped when I was 16.
What I couldn't remember however was the WHY AND HOW it happened, this was my itch. I needed to know why me ? what made me vulnerable ? what more could I have done ?

I guess I'm lucky in that respect, I only had half the shit to deal with in terms of actually remembering it, although it ALL has to be dealt with, but to deal with any of it we MUST remember it, however painful.

And to those of you struggling with partial memories, be strong, I can't imagine how hard that must be.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#36531 - 06/27/02 07:03 AM Re: Memories?
Ron_dup1 Offline

Registered: 05/13/02
Posts: 87
Loc: Arkansas
I too can remember the abuse in vivid detail, mine ended at 13. But the questions that haunt me are:
Why me?
Where were my parents?
Why didn't I tell?
Did he abuse my brother too?
I don't have answers to these questions and maybe I never will but I continue to search...

#36532 - 06/27/02 12:34 PM Re: Memories?
embersglow Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/18/02
Posts: 19
Loc: Minn

I continue to go through the same thing. As far as I remember, the sexual abus stopped when my dad killed himself when I was 11. The verbal and physical abuse continued from my brother into my adulthood.

I am writing indictments to my mother and the three men I trusted who all abused me. It is pretty freeing. It is also stirring up memories. One of the most insane parts of all of this is not fully remembering, and continuing to be a victim to some things in life. It is easy to have compassion for the offender, while having contempt for the victim. I still struggle with being gentle with myself, and believing myself.

I am laying the blame for that where it belongs. With them. I am learning as fast as I am able. I get frustrated, and spend way too much time on the heavy issues, dammit! I am always questioning what I do with my time, and whather it would have been better to do this or that instead...damn...they infected me with false beliefs about me, and the grief of a lifetime of horror...even as I type that a voice inside says it wasn't that bad. Right.

So my new mantra is gentleness, humor, love and respect. For me. I sure hope it replaces the "you little cocksucker" they gave me.

Anyone got any ideas on having fun? Lightening up? God forbid, I would like to enjoy a bit of life...ha

Take care,


#36533 - 06/27/02 06:39 PM Re: Memories?
Ken Followell Offline
Past President

Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 992
Loc: Bradenton, FL
As someone who repressed the memories until I was 40 and am just beginning to scratch the surface of what really happened now (4 years later). I am finding that freedom from the fear is related to giving myself permission to know my past. The more I let come up, the freer I feel from it. Keeping it down takes a lot of effort and that energy is released to me when the memory resurfaces.

I don't know how to cause the memory to return, but I am beginning to welcome the event rather than fear it.

Ken F

Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

#36534 - 06/28/02 03:16 PM Re: Memories?
tjcowden Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/13/02
Posts: 8
Loc: North Carolina
These have all been very good points to consider. I don't know if I have any repressed memories and frankly I don't even care. I know who my abuser was and remember what was done to me. I can only guess if my parents knew what was going on-but once again I don't see the relevance in knowing this information.

I guess what I've learned by reading these responses is that although we've all been sexually abused and all are dealing with the ramifications that our journey's to healing are very individual. I appreciate all of you who helped me understand a little more.

God Bless.


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