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#365108 - 06/28/11 08:17 PM Hello- Hoping to heal looking for help...
wifeofA Offline

Registered: 06/19/11
Posts: 3
I am here to share my story because my husband and I need help. Recently I discovered my husband had an affair. He is a loving, wonderful, charismatic man and father. We had a seemingly loving and stable marriage for over 10 years, needless to say I was shocked. Shortly upon discovering his infidelity (email and physical) he confided in me that he had been abused for over a year by an authority figure in his childhood. I was the first person he ever told. Up until that point I intended on not staying in the marriage. However the fact that he was abused has become a game changer. I don't know why it changed my point of view, it just did. He is remorseful and trying to cope with his past as well as comfort me. He does not share much about his past with me and I don't push. I am still so hurt that my compassion sometimes is not apparent. We are both in separate counseling.

My entire world has been turned upside down. I am devastated by the rupture in our marriage, as well as the fact of his abuse. I am torn between dealing with the heartbreaking betrayal of his affair and trying to understand the effects of his abuse on his actions as an adult.

I hope to find help in healing and a balance between supporting him in his recovery and taking care of myself. From what I have read on this website there are many with the insightful advice that I crave. At this point I am still not sure if I can stay in the marriage but I am not ready to make a decision yet. I would be thankful for any light or advice readers can share. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

#365111 - 06/28/11 08:44 PM Re: Hello- Hoping to heal looking for help... [Re: wifeofA]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Again WifeofA

Again sorry for your pain
This I am sure, is a hard time for you, I know it is no excuse, but survivors do act out like this some times. I think the best for you both to do right now, is talk, as painful as it is for both of you. Talk to him about his plans for treatment, if he is planning to see a therapist etc. Give him some ideas, but don't force the issue.
Tell him how you are feeling about the disclosure, shock dismay etc. And mostly if you find it in your heart at this stage, let him know that you don't think the worse of him because of his abuse. (Not his having an affair)
He is going through a tough time now, as I am sure you are, but, he is having issues about his manliness, and what you think is important. We survivors tend to make things worse by thinking the worst.

If you need support try and go to Al-anon or the sex addicts version of this. These groups will give you coping skills. Dont see this as an admission of a problem, but rather a group of people to give you advise.
I hope that your H will be open to therapy for his CSA, as it will impact on his life in future, in a big way. Just read some of the posts and you will realize.

Take it easy as you both have a lot to deal with right now.
Feel free to ask all the questions possible, and If you want to ask people direct questions send them a PM.

Heal well
God Speed

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