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#36469 - 04/21/01 04:35 AM I do need to be heard

Hi, my name is Peter. At the age of 5 or 6 years I was raped on many occasions by a 15 year old neighbor. I was also molested on several occasions by another 15 year old neighbor. To me they were men. I still live with the anguish and pain caused by these brutal men; I live with this pain every day of my life. I am only going to talk about one occasion of torment.
I was down the seashore with my family. One of the perpetrators, who had already raped me, was with us. I think he was taken along to babysit us kids. I remember him taking me into the ocean up to my neck and leaving me there to fend with the tide. I recall the tide taking me out further and further. I had to fight for my life. I dug my toes into the sand and fought till I slowly managed to make my way back to the shore. I thought I was going to drown; it was frightening to be left alone to die in such a manner. How could my parents let this happen to me?
After this, I remember my perpetrator taking me on a Ferris wheel. As we stopped at the top, he started to shake the cage we were in and told me he was going to push me out. My fear was unbareable; I can see it like it was yesterday.
The next thing I recall was him taking me to my father's car parked in a lot near the beach. I remember him opening up the door and letting me in. I know he was going to rape me one more time. I quickly locked the door so he couldn't get in. He ran to the other side, but I was too fast. I locked the other door. I'll never forget, till the day I die, the look on his face as he sickenly laughed and shook the car door - telling me to open it up. I'll never forget.
Here comes the hard part. After finally telling my father about this monster, you would think my parents would have treated me with love and nurturment. No, they treated me with whips, hangers, extension cords, and fists. They mentally, physically, and spiritually abused me for 12 years - till I was 17 years old. I spent many nights in my lonley room crying to God - why me, why me, why me. I am now crying inside; I need help. GOD HELP ME. PLEASE HELP ME
Peter J.

#36470 - 04/21/01 05:17 AM Re: I do need to be heard
jwh Offline

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 98
Loc: dallas, tx
Wow, Peter, your neighbor sounds like my older brother (who is now dead). It's terrifying just to read what you went through, especially because it hits home. My brother was always threatening me in severe ways and laughing at me, emotional abuse that went along with the sexual abuse.

Are you in counseling right now? It would be really excellent to find a therapist who works well with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and who fully embraces the fact that males are often victims of sexual abuse.

I wish you the best,

"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division

#36471 - 04/22/01 07:36 AM Re: I do need to be heard
ScooterSCS Offline

Registered: 02/13/01
Posts: 37
Loc: Chicago, IL
I have had the same thoughts going through my head almost everytime I go to bed. Last summer I would lay down on my back and roll over on my side and think to my self, "Scott, you are...a FAILURE!" That went on for maybe 3 months straight! I still do it on occasion. I don't understand why when the man had a street full of boys, 10 boys on my street of 22 houses and he picked me! I seriously don't want to do this. I am sick and need help, what ever love that is given to me is shrugged off. I am paranoid of abandonment, scared that where ever I go on campus someone is looking at me, making fun of the way i walk. The only reason I get out of bed to go to class or to live another day is because of my mother and brother. I am still trying to grasp my identity. I am still trying to get ready for tomorrows jokes toward me. I still refuse to give up, but I am getting closer and closer everyday. :-( I can't is a flood of rage and irritation. WHY ME!!!! WHY ME!!!! WHY CAN'T LUCK EVER GO MY WAY? WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE WHO IS SH*T ON? I don't know, I just got carried away

#36472 - 04/23/01 02:48 AM Re: I do need to be heard
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Why do we all have to go through so much shit! What you have endured is auwful.
If my whole story was printed, every feeling you write this to me.
I wish it a way, but it stays. Peter find someone safe to talk to, get it out. Love and kindness is what you need, I hope there are people in your life to hold you.
Be safe, get your feelings out, stay away from those who hurt you. Far, far away.
Take care.
I hope this makes sence to you Peter. You have found a place where you are understood.

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#36473 - 06/03/01 12:29 AM Re: I do need to be heard

Thank you for all your validation of my pain. It means a great deal to me to know that I am not alone.

Thank you
Peter J.


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