forgetting is one thing- you had it, and you lost it.
loosing time is another- you have to think about what you *could* have done
but not having it at all- having a black hole in your mind to stare into and wonder. on the best of days it's unsettling. on the worst it's unmaking.

there is a part that says the past is done and doesn't necessarily relegate who you are or where you go. and maybe that's a sound world-view. but it seems sound only if you can actually remember what the past was- so you can actually get passed it and make it the *past*

when you can't do that, because you can't remember it, it's paralyzing. you get stuck in an infinite loop wondering.

12 years. i'm missing 12 years. there are 12 years where i only have the smallest of pieces. more like snapshots or palaroids than actual memories. i see pictures of me as a kid, doing things, memorable things, that should be the stuff of *childhood memories*- and i have no recollection. i know i was there. i've seen it. but i can't recall.

it makes you wonder what minotaur is lurking through the halls in your head, smelling you out. what wants to eat you. what was so bad that your brain shut out over a decades worth of your life.