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#364634 - 06/20/11 03:23 PM Confused about Memories
Driftwood Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
The abuse question and not being able to remember is driving me nuts. When I was in my twenties, a therapist said I had all the symptoms of being abused. I had terrifying nightmares as a kid (something always coming after me). And I remember my mom used to find me in different places in the house, like huddled behind the couch, crying. I keep going over stuff in my mind. Could something have happened at camp? When I stayed with my aunt and uncle? When another uncle came and stayed with us? I know I was neglected at home (my dad was in his own religious world, my mom pretty repressed), and I know I started acting out sexually at thirteen or fourteen. By age sixteen, I was having sex pretty regularly with an older man I met at the bowling alley (a creepy guy I didnít even like) and one-time things with men who picked me up hitchhiking. There was one guy who took me to his apartment and drugged me, which was stupid, I went with him willingly. I donít know what he did to me when I was blacked out.

Thatís abuse, of course. But I was actively seeking out men to have sex with by then. Was I abused as a little kid? I donít know. I just donít. Iíd like to just let it go and stop asking the question. I feel like if I was going to remember something, I wouldíve by now. Does it matter? I guess thatís my basic question. Is it important to remember? Should I just assume something happened and leave it at that? Is there anything else that would explain my actions? How do I just let it go?

#364642 - 06/20/11 05:28 PM Re: Confused about Memories [Re: Driftwood]
vachssfan Offline

Registered: 03/08/11
Posts: 58
Loc: TX

I am having serious problems with this too, except i *know* it happened. But i have NO memory. I try so hard not to go hunting for the boogeyman in my past. I try so hard not to put that mask on someone. But it is really really difficult at times.

I'm so sorry you feel this way. About it being important to remember- if it is upsetting you this much, maybe it is. While it's frustrating, it's not something you can MAKE yourself do. It just comes. Most likely, if your suspicions are right, then your little-kid brain worked hard at getting that stuff packed in a box and locked in a closet in ur mind. Now that you're starting to wonder and question- it's gonna take time and patience with yourself to pick that lock- assuming you decide to. And pls remember that choice is yours and only yours to make. No one can make you- nor should they.

Be patience with yourself. It could take a long time. I've been wrestling with it on and off for 10 years or so. Now that I'm really after it- after 5 months, things are loosening up and moving around in my head. It's hard and I have to work at it not to just try and shut the door again.

I am so sorry you're going through this too. I really am b/c I know what it's like.


#364650 - 06/20/11 08:04 PM Re: Confused about Memories [Re: vachssfan]
Driftwood Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado

Sorry to hear about your own situation. I just read your another post of yours (12 years), and we seem to have some similarities. There are whole chunks of my childhood missing from my memory, too. When I was in therapy (briefly, in my 20's) I tried really hard to remember and got nowhere. Now, I just want to move on. This all started about a year ago when I was dealing with some other problems, trying to rid myself of shame, etc., trying to like myself, to just live in the present, but then all this stuff from the past came up. I've just never dealt with it, told anyone. But I found this site and it's not so hard talking anonymously here. And the guys have been... Everyone's so generous and understanding.

At this point, I don't think I'm ever going to remember. And there's the possibility, I guess, I wasn't abused, that something else explains my acting out (?). I just want to let go of it.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, vachssfan. I hope the things loosening up and moving around in your head lead you somewhere. I'll be rooting for you from my corner.


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