Newest Members
TopHat, Restore, Tracy, Winston, Jimmy'sDoneLots
13166 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cja (51), crackerjack (57), nursemanda25 (35)
Who's Online
5 registered (betrayed boy, Buddy75, 3 invisible), 36 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,166 Registered Members
75 Forums
68,250 Topics
475,083 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 17 1 2 3 16 17 >
Topic Options
#364596 - 06/19/11 09:29 PM Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:10 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#364614 - 06/20/11 02:25 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lapchinj
Welcome welcome and it is never to late to start healing. There is a lot you need to discover about yourself here. You need to learn that you were a victim and that you in no way wanted the attention. You need to learn that victims don't go on to become abusers, you need to learn that it is OK to love and touch your children and grandchildren, and you need to learn to love yourself.
I think that when you read the posts and stories of survivors, and come to terms with your own life, and learn to understand it, that you will formulate your own course of action on informing your loved ones. Take some time and learn what you can about what happened to you, ask questions, be honest, and see what it is there is on offer here.

Welcome to the healing journey, enjoy it.
Heal well
God Speed
Martin

_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#364619 - 06/20/11 07:48 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: whome]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome to MS lapchinj,

You've been holding a lot inside for a long time.

It's affected your happiness and enjoyment of life and close relations.

Your decision to start to open up will help you heal-and parts will hurt because they have been put on hold for so long.

We are all on this path with you-it is far better than the one we have left. Especially as we embrace truth telling and search for healthy ways to cope and find support and take care of those parts of ourselves we have hidden, repressed, and denied.

MS is a forum with many resources-engaging the resources you need on this path is critical-the experience and guides here to navigate healing and recovery are invaluable.

I hope you can enlist a good T (read the resources page for suggestions on interviewing several Ts before selecting one)-andthat you can find men to help you be accountable as you build a better life.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#364672 - 06/20/11 08:53 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:10 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#364694 - 06/21/11 09:12 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
I hear you.

It is hard to tell our loves ones we are in pain and need help-but it is a disservice to deny even bloat basic truth about what is going on. Would you want your wife to struggle alone in secret if she were in your shoes?

You are, of course, free to medicate with as much alcohol as you'd like.
If that works for you and doesn't exacerbate your feelings or isolate you more and deepens your regrets,please let me know-maybe illl go back to getting drunk again.

We all need help. There is no shame in that. There is power in applying effort to guidance from others who are qualified. (that's why there are coaches at every level of sports. Right?)

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

Top
#364695 - 06/21/11 09:55 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: Mountainous Buck]
ACRoberts Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/10
Posts: 242
Loc: New Jersey (recently moved fro...
Lapchinj,
Welcome--I totally understand your pain and struggle! It took me a long time to get here as well. I see that you are in NY. If you are in the city, Richard Gartner, who has written several books on the issues we struggle with, has a private practice as well as two male survivor group therapy sessions a week. I am in one of the therapy groups and find it very helpful. Take care of yourself!

_________________________
Allan
________________________
WOR Sequoia 2011--it has changed my life!

Top
#364720 - 06/21/11 07:43 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:10 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#364740 - 06/22/11 11:32 AM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
whome Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Lapcinj

Firstly, A child, and studies show, that even children up to 16 don't have the emotional maturity to maintain a relationship with an adult, So I say again, A Child cannot be a willing Participant, as you put it. So what happened to you all those years ago was Child abuse.
Secondly, you may be prone to addiction, as many of us are, so although you didn't drink for all those years, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and even though you did not drink for all those years, the disease progressed. Hence you find yourself in this position. Don't forget the train doesn't stop, so get help now. There are better ways to mellow out, Painting, Meditation, going for a walk, fishing, you don't need a bottle to mellow out.

The time on jury duty could have been the trigger to the current situation ?? walking down the old streets remembering, this can trigger all sorts of emotions?

It seems you are starting the cycle again Telling a lie to cover a lie, go for the treatment and talk to your wife. Start by telling her, and after you have worked things out with her, she will assist in the dealing with the children issue.

You two have had such a wonderful life together, don't mess it up with half truths and lies.

Were in your corner
God Speed and heal well
Martin



Edited by whome (06/22/11 11:35 AM)
_________________________
Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

Top
#364768 - 06/22/11 09:12 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
lapchinj Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/07/11
Posts: 1447
Loc: New York
Peace,Rainbows & Healing


Edited by lapchinj (03/17/13 12:10 AM)
_________________________
Stick around, It will get better....

Top
#364769 - 06/22/11 09:39 PM Re: Hi - It took me approximately 40 years to get here [Re: lapchinj]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Welcome Lapchinj

you are in good company here. we know how you feel and what you are going through. you are not alone.

this site is a great beginning, but it is important to have a guide to help you get through the whole past, in a sequential and safe way. that you will be able to get from a good Therapist (T).

I too went through CSA. it was from the age of 4-14 years old. and i carried it with me, without help, for over 40 years. I am now 58 and have been in recovery for 3 years.

i started drinking for fun when my wife of 23 years divorced me. it was a great escape for me. but it eventually turned into alcoholism. I started going to AA because i was sick and tired of being sick and tired of the alcohol. i was actually trying to drink myself to death.

AA gave me the courage and tools to seek real help from a good T. I am now 3 years sober as well.

you can do this. i too was afraid of getting too close to my kids. i mistakenly worried that i might abuse them. I highly recommend that you read Mike Lew's book, 'Victims No Longer.' it will be a valuable resources for you to learn about all the complexities of the CSA. he answers all the questions. from reading that book i was able to release a lot of my guilt and shame.

i too, began to like the abuse and felt like i was a willing participant. My main perp was my older brother. he was never cruel or physically abusive during his use of me. Lew's book helped with that, too. it is all i knew from the age of 4, so i thought that it was all 'normal' human behavior. But even though i accepted it, it ruined my life for all these years. I am grateful that i am now in recovery and life isnt great but it is so much better. I have a lot of hope and willingness to make it work for the better.

good luck to you on your journey.

peace

paul smile

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

Top
Page 1 of 17 1 2 3 16 17 >

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.