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#364528 - 06/19/11 06:20 AM The Patient Panic Attack
Clockwise Offline

Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 304
Loc: Pennsylvania
Today I had what I call a Patient Panic Attack. Something inside of me just was not ready to face the world and I completely agreed with it. Today I did not want to be apart of society, I didn't even want to be apart of my own household. I didn't want to be anyone's son or brother or nephew, I just wanted to curl up inside of myself and stay there for the rest of the day.

This feeling - it wasn't the usual soul-crushing depressive feeling I've had before, it was more a calm acknowledgement that today I was not going to participate in the world. I know how this all sounds, crazy, but it's something I don't think I've ever felt before. I didn't like it but I accepted it. More and more I've begun to examine my life and every element of what it is and isn't. I don't like the man that I've become and I don't know how to change him. I dont know where my ambition has gone, where my motivation has gotten off to.

I often scoffed when people said they needed to "find themselves" but lately I find myself searching. And no matter how hard I look I always send to find myself on the other side of the glass watching everyone else and how the live and how they operate and how they socialize wishing I could take their place. Is it really the case that everyone around me knows something I don't? Is that the reason I have no friends? Is this missing piece the reason I'm so starved for attention and friendship and is this newfound lack of ambition and motivation my way of subconsciously getting used to it? Maybe this is my mind's way of finally accepting the fact that I am nobody and that I will most likely always be that way.

I don't know. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I have to sleep now.

Yet another 24 hours.

#364535 - 06/19/11 08:10 AM Re: The Patient Panic Attack [Re: Clockwise]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
Sometimes we all need a break from the world , and some Me time
You are not a nobody . Every one fils a need in this world. and is someone



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#364592 - 06/20/11 12:36 AM Re: The Patient Panic Attack [Re: OKIE MIKE]
DannyT Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 645

I ready a book called the Molecules of Emotion, by Candace Pert. She's a brain scientist. It's extremely interesting for many reasons (a cool biography, too). But the reason it came to mind after reading your post is that she talks a lot about the way that the chemistry of mood happens. Essentially (in my memory of the book), our states of mind are some addictive. If we develop a habit of depression, or joy for that matter, our body gradually becomes more adept at producing the chemicals that lead to those habit states of mind.

When something's going on that breaks the habit, there's an adjustment period in the body where the usual emotions are no longer arising, but nothing else is really taking their place. That flatness often feels like an aspect of healing to me, like the teeter totter is paused between depression and something else, not knowing where to go.

That feeling of looking from the other side of the glass can be a habit, too, as can the emotion of need to avoid others.

Sometimes it just takes a little bit of redirection to start the mood flowing the other way. Small steps forward and slightly to the side rather than plunging right in, just being aware that your adjusting your own brain chemistry in small doses, like twisting the knob on a radio to bring the station in clearer.

You're definitely not nobody. You're somebody who is tired and searching. That's OK. It's OK to be tired. It's OK to be searching. It's not so nice to be starved of something and feel unable to reach for it. That's why finding the small gestures of movement toward can be so helpful.



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