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#364533 - 06/19/11 07:39 AM My son's 1st birthday, and my 1 year anniversary
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Tomorrow is my little son's first birthday party. He was born on June 20, 2010. About 8 months after I had been raped and sexually assaulted. It was also at this time last year that I first went into that Male Survivor chat room and talked about what happened to me. It was at the urging of my therapist. He said that it might help to see that other men were recovering from sexual trauma, and he was right. It was through talking to so many of you that I could see that I wasn't alone.

I was kind of shocked at first. It seemed like every guy had been sexually abused as a child and could not relate to certain aspects of my story. I was saddened to read that so many horrible things can happen to young children and that knowledge has colored my son's first year as well. I have to do everything in my power to protect him. But at the same time it was lonely those first few months before some other loner ASA survivors popped out from out of the woodwork.

About two months after I first joined this site, I finally was able to have some honest talks with another man here who was raped as an adult, and this was extremely instrumental in finally making the decision to tell my wife about the assaults, as many brothers here urged me to do. It hasn't even been two years since the assault/rape happened but I am in a different place now. I am so grateful for my son and the way he continuously reminds me that God still has a purpose for my being present in the world. Those little eyes stare at me with the same wonder and amazement as they did when he was first born. My beautiful wife had waited so long for a little baby to hold, and watching her joyfully embrace the gift of motherhood has probably been one of the most endearing things I have ever seen. There is a lot of trauma for the both of us to overcome, and I am still making sense out of what happened to me but it is our task as survivors to go on living life so that we can create new memories that can outnumber the traumatic ones. They might not disappear but we can at least try to crowd them.

I joined this site because I realized, "Oh, S&*T, I am going to be a father in a couple of days." I had spent months on end doing nothing but lying in bed wondering what the hell happened to me. Playing it over and over in my head and asking myself what I could have done differently. I missed a lot of those ultrasound appointments, I wasn't as supportive about the pregnancy as I could have been, it was nothing personal I just was too numb to care about anything. Somewhere I found the strength to be there when my son entered the world. As soon as I laid eyes on him, I knew he was going to be my new purpose. I was so apathetic during the pregnancy, I didn't even suggest names to my wife. As soon as they gave him to his mother to nurse, she said that his name was Peter, after me. I remember many nights rocking him to sleep and wishing he could have a different name because I didn't want to set him up to be a failure like me. Talking to many of you here has helped me to see that I do have a lot to teach this boy, and maybe one day he will be proud of his father the way I am proud of my own father.

I am grateful to God for all of you here who have been my friends and companions over this past year. Your support means more than you know. Some of you had great fathers growing up. Some of you had terrible ones--and the only Father's day gift they deserve is the electric chair. We all come from different backgrounds but I thank each of the men who sat with me and listened to my story. Thank you for giving my son his father back.

“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

#364534 - 06/19/11 07:49 AM Re: My son's 1st birthday, and my 1 year anniversary [Re: CruxFidelis]
WriterKeith Offline

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980 of the most powerful posts on the site.

Congratulations, super dad!

#364541 - 06/19/11 11:09 AM Re: My son's 1st birthday, and my 1 year anniversary [Re: WriterKeith]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007

WriterKeith is right this was a wonderful and uplifting post. You've done a remarkable job "crowding" your assaulter's words and actions. You're son's a lucky boy to be loved with such clear affection by his father - Happy Father's Day. Earlybird

Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#364544 - 06/19/11 11:40 AM Re: My son's 1st birthday, and my 1 year anniversary [Re: earlybird]
Darkheart Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Amazing post Peter!

You are going to be a wonderful father:)

My Story...

#364551 - 06/19/11 02:37 PM Re: My son's 1st birthday, and my 1 year anniversary [Re: Darkheart]
Rusty563 Offline

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 209
Loc: Anywhere, USA
Happy Father's Day Peter! Your child has a wonderful dad.


There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King

#364556 - 06/19/11 04:05 PM Re: My son's 1st birthday, and my 1 year anniversary [Re: CruxFidelis]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hey CF

Congrats on your sons 1st and many many more happy and safe birthdays for him, Love him lots and give him lots of attention.
As for you well done and great to have you here.

Heal well
God Speed

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#364567 - 06/19/11 07:19 PM Re: My son's 1st birthday, and my 1 year anniversary [Re: whome]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma

An absolutely beautiful message from an amazing man - and you truly are amazing in many ways.


Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#364671 - 06/21/11 12:47 AM Re: My son's 1st birthday, and my 1 year anniversary [Re: prisonerID]
kb8715 Offline

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
Great are awesome parents Pete.....

"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

#364674 - 06/21/11 01:24 AM Re: My son's 1st birthday, and my 1 year anniversary [Re: kb8715]
Driftwood Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
A part of me envies that little boy, such a hero of a dad.

#364676 - 06/21/11 01:34 AM Re: My son's 1st birthday, and my 1 year anniversary [Re: Driftwood]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

This is truly a hope-inspiring post. You've already experienced so much magic surrounding being a dad. I envy you dude. I SO miss those years with my kids. And I agree with you: God has great plans for the both of you. Continue to be the TOTALLY AWSOME dad you are!

Big safe hugs dude!!!!!

Sending you a PM link to a video I made a while ago. I really want you to see it.

Edited by Robbie Brown (06/21/11 01:53 AM)

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