Hi, my fraternal brothers.
In 15 hours (0300) CST, Wednesday. Obi & myself will be heading to Virginia, & Michael Joseph's weekend retreat.
Another one of my lost boy trying to find himself recovery trips. Another one 1000+ miles away.
Which gives me plenty of time to talk to him, to try & understand him and bring him/me further out from the darkness,into the sunshine as I had promised him 2 years ago at Dahlonega, Georgia.
As always I try and set a goal for us, but the goal keeps moving. The big guy (Pete) is either too stubborn or too afraid to let it go.
To face the reality about Ralph's love. The reality that he was SEDUCED into believing that it was his love for that abused, unwanted & lonely young boy.
The young boy accepting his love in an emotional way, mentally & physically.
He held me. He caressed me. He made me feel good & wanted.He gave me pleasure. He gave me his love. I know that he loved me as he told me so, over & over again.
That young boy truly loved his Ralph, The parent he never had.
I know that I loved him, because I told him so. Over & over again. I had made an emotional connection to him. I had never considered what he did to me was sexual abuse. He loved me & I loved him. It was that simple. I kept him a huge part of me for all my life.
I have come over these last 2 years to see where love had nothing to do with it, period. It was drilled into my thick Irish skull over & over. Be it at those WoR's. Be it through the healing circles here, private messages & you my fraternal brothers here. Plus reading those recovery books. In all those books that I have read scant little was ever mentioned about loving our perpetrator. Maybe I just might have missed it.
But, last week I started the book Beyond Betrayal, and there it was. About me/us really falling in love with our perpetrator. And the distinct possibility that the perpetrator might have loved me/us too.
However, we young boys knew nothing about SEDUCTION. About how we were seduced into believing it was his/their love for us.
The boy may fall in love with his seducer, and the seducer may believe he is in love with the boy.
My goal is to finally (try) to cut the final strand of my emotions in believing that he NEVER really loved me at all.
In my mind, heart & soul, my (big Pete's) interpretation on this is (falsely) then NOBODY ever loved me.
Hope to let it all go. Hope to let that little boy cry, real tears, buckets full, to finally let his true emotions flow those rusty tears stored up from so long ago. No, big Pete, I (little Pete) had it all wrong, BOYS DON'T CRY..WE DON'T SHOW WEAKNESS..
But, now you & I know better as we become as one in manhood.
Men do experience the powerful emotion of crying, of cleansing.
Of letting it all go. Cry, big Pete, cry.
One thousand miles to try and let him go again. Hope Pete Hope.
Heal well, my brothers, heal well.
"I will take this lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.