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#363697 - 06/06/11 07:24 PM Last Friday (triggers and other un-fun stuff)
vachssfan Offline

Registered: 03/08/11
Posts: 58
Loc: TX
a few things-

one: when i write- i'm blunt. you might not like some of the language i use to describe things. if you're sensitive to things like that- don't read.

two: i have a masters degree in social work, specializing in childhood abuse and trauma. i don't do that work anymore.

i've known some things for a long time
and i have enough "professional" knowledge to know better
but that doesn't stop u from lying to yourself
after friday- i couldn't lie to myself anymore

there's all kinds of debate on normative child sexual behavior
what there ISN'T debate on, are the harder boundaries/basic spirit of it
that it is always exploratory in nature
looking, giggling, pointing, maybe poking and saying weird or that looks silly or that looks diff than mine or even ewww gross

that is agreed on in the literature
what also is agreed on is that it shouldn't cause anyone pain, distress, etc etc etc
that being said
my earliest sexual memories...
are snapshots
in my head
but based on where i was at the time
the memories occur through range of about 4-7
around 4 i remember trying to perform oral sex on this little girl my age (give or take a year) in Montessori school
it was on the inside of one of the slides
i remember trying to talk these two kids into doing something to each other/me
i don't know what
upstairs at his house
it was and his babysitters daughter
I was maybe 6-7
he was a year or so younger than me
she was prolly younger than that
another neighborhood boy who lived down street from me
i can remember trying to fuck him in the ass
i had to be 5-7 years old
i can remember making him let me suck his dick
and trying to make him suck mine

i've always told myself i was just a sexually preoccupied child
even though i knew better
i hadn't told my therapist about those things yet-
which i find interesting
i didn't do it consciously/on purpose
but when i told her
she said what i knew in the back of my mind
1. those things went my fault- even though i DO FEEL TERRIBBLE ABOUT THEM
2. that is learned behavior
someone *showed* me those things
4-7 year olds don't do that on their own- period
and i knew that
but now im facing it
it means someone fucked me when i was 4 or younger
that i cant remember AT ALL fucks with me
that it is almost certainly true fucks with me
and that it happened fucks with me
and i can't stop thinking about it
like i can get some things
that i dont want to understand
i can understand someone wanting to fuck 15-17 year old girls
hell even 18 yo grils

if ur not so confident in ur sexual prowess with women- it'd be hard not to knock the sox off a 17 year old and look like a sexual god
i can *understand* scat fetishes and cutting and peircing and water sports
hell i can even understand necrophilia
I don't want to do those things, they arent for me and some of them aren't even GOOD or RIGHT things to do BUT i can think about it, see the angles, and see how that could appeal to someone for various reasons
i DO NOT understand. at all. period. no angle. no way to see anyone's motivation- NOTHING. my understand stops there.
and that someone WANTED to fuck me as a 3 yo kid...
someone desired that
and DID that
i have no words
the way that makes me feel like an object...
like a chair
or a car tire
or a fleshy, soft, sock to jerk off into...
that's what i was to someone
maybe someone(s)

i cant do anything with that
it makes me want to fucking kill myself

like im going to come un-fucking glued
like the world doesn't make sense anymore
like my life doesn't make sense anymore
that i cant remember ANYTHING LIKE THAT AT ALL
but there'se vidence
plenty of evidence
and then
that i got raped TWICE
by two sets of people...

how could my mom not have fucking known???
makes me ask how i
fuck i dont even have words for it
but how could i be *marked* that way
for that to happen twice
i *know* there was nothing *wrong* with me
but it still feels that way
that i was made for that and people just saw it
i think im done for now


#363724 - 06/07/11 03:17 AM Re: Last Friday (triggers and other un-fun stuff) [Re: vachssfan]
Sterling Offline

Registered: 10/25/08
Posts: 1795
Loc: Winnipeg, Manitoba,Canada


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