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#363684 - 06/06/11 03:14 PM Why is it so hard to get an apology or validation?
Invictus65 Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 6
Please don't read this if you are in a bad place today...

My parents dropped the ball. They were too busy cheating on each other and satisfying their own desires and insecurities to notice that I was a little boy on fire. They are older now, have cancer, blah, blah , blah...I don't really give a shit what's wrong with them because they refuse to simply say, "I'm sorry I was a selfish asshole, drunk, whore, whatever...and I'm so glad you did choose the right path in life despite all our screwups" All I get is "It was your fault because you didn't tell me" or "I did my job as a dad. I went to work and supported you" Really? WTF, even down to their last friggin breath they'll never change, will they?

They showed up for my treatment (many years ago). Said "Oh, we went through it with you was hard on all of us" Bullshit. That's like an arsonist setting a fire and coming back later to watch his work be put out by the firemen. God I hate them and I find it so hard to be there for them at all in their later years. I feel like I wish their cancer would eat them up in the most painful way possible sometimes...I must really be angry. Feels good to have rightious indignation. Probably lose my inheritance, but I've had it with covering for them.

Just FYI, I'm in my forties now, surrounded by my children (at or close to the age when my abuse started) and watching them all embark on their lives. Going thruogh a bit of a crisis. Lots of flashbacks. All I can think of is how I existed to "do what someone else wanted" I was objectified. By parents-"Don't question us, we are always right" Perp used the fact that I had no relationship with my parents-he figured out their patterns right away and went for the kill.

Edited by Invictus65 (06/06/11 04:39 PM)
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.


#363703 - 06/06/11 09:47 PM Re: Why is it so hard to get an apology or validation? [Re: Invictus65]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1739
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Invictus
Strangely enough I have a similar relationship with my mother. She also wont change, wont admit that she did what she did, wont apologize. She even said to me one day 'I'm 80 now why should I change' Because you hurt me you silly old cow. They just don't see it. But I have made a decision to let it go. We will never be close, I will never tell her I love her, and she can go to her grave with the guilt. She still calls me and tries to make me the guilty party, but I aint buying that. The only choice that I have made for myself is, I will not and do not want to feel that I didn't try to mend the relationship before she dies. She made me feel like the guilty responsible one all my life, I WILL NOT give her the satisfaction and feel guilty once she passes.
Happy healing

Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#363800 - 06/07/11 09:07 PM Re: Why is it so hard to get an apology or validation? [Re: whome]
well-intended Offline

Registered: 04/15/11
Posts: 124
Loc: Belgium
During the onset of her heart attack, a moment where the words she said could have been her last, my abusive mother openly worried what would become of me when she wouldn't be around anymore. I was 25 at that time. She never stopped seeing me as a helpless child.

She never stopped making me into a helpless child either.

I regret calling the ambulance. She should have been repeatedly hit with a bag of oranges until the natural cause of death would have set in. Ah well, food for fantasy.

The denial just seems to go on and on and on, literally till the very last breath. Nothing you can do about it.


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