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#363562 - 06/04/11 01:08 AM We think "victimized", he says "no". Any hope?
dadda Offline

Registered: 06/04/11
Posts: 3
Hi. I'm going to try to be brief; here goes. My husband had a severe heart attack a couple of years ago. We thought he would die as he wouldn't come off the vent. Then, about 9 months after, he needed treatment for a foot wound that became infected. A treatment nurse (married) decided she wanted to have an affair with him because he fit her ideal of "romantic".

Before I knew what was going on, he was having temper outbursts, raging to the point of breaking things, running over bushes I'd just planted with the mower and picking fights in general. After the affair was discovered and my husband filed for divorce, I found a 14 page letter she'd written him stuffed into the bookshelf in our bedroom. It outlined the whole thing and was full of "I want", "I decided", "I ignored", etc. She details the first conversation they had as him telling her about our re-marriage, his commitment to that, our kids and God. She talks about envying me (??) and "wishing she was his wife".

My husband isn't perfect (that's why we divorced-our imperfections), but I never knew him to be a blatant liar or cheater-but this is what he became last summer. His attempts to hide the facts were clumsy, not practiced; since this whole thing has come out, she remains married and in her home. He is living with his mother and has destroyed his credit rating, views me as "the enemy" and thinks that my reporting her is destroying the life of a good woman.

I am a nurse, our State Board recently sent out an article on boundaries that every nurse in the state received. Sexual contact with patients is NOT supposed to occur. I've tried explaining some facts to him, being understanding,etc. but NOTHING makes a difference...this is much different than blatant rape; our kids and I am dealing with emotional issues and shock as a result of everything that has been going on ...

I am stymied by the lack of response by the hospital it occurred at and the state agency's apparent acceptance of "consensual" as the end of it. Meantime, my husband is about to get hit with a restraining order because he keeps making threats and being vicious, name-calling and demeaning. If I tell my attorney that this "isn't his usual self"; doesn't matter, they can apparently only try to make him stop what he's doing with very few options.

Talked with our family doctor, but my husband walks around like normal most of the time. I KNOW he always kept his credit in tip-top shape, I know he hasn't gone on rampages like this before, I also know as a survivor who experienced a very severe bout of PTSD earlier in our marriage, that I could "walk around like normal" most of the time, but I'd totally freak with a panic attack at times. I've even tried to discuss the similarities of our experiences; doesn't help.

Once in a great while, I seem to see his "old self" peek out but it never lasts. I have no idea what to do...I have to accept the divorce, because I have no choice...he's made it clear that he wants me away ASAP. Is it that he believes what he says or is it that I am putting pressure on him to acknowledge something that he's not prepared to cope with (now)? I've been trying to hold everything together, but despite going back to counseling myself, this is hard. Everyone questions why I don't just consider him a jerk and write him off...I checked with the state sexual assault agency and there are no counselors in our state that specialize or have extensive background with male victims, apparently. He's not a reader, so no sense getting him a book. Does anyone have a suggestion, or despite my knowledge that most (if not all) health care providers who do this sort of thing are disturbed and are thinking nothing of the other person's welfare, do I just believe the hype that he's a jerk...and give up?

#363613 - 06/04/11 11:45 PM Re: We think "victimized", he says "no". Any hope? [Re: dadda]
dadda Offline

Registered: 06/04/11
Posts: 3
I wanted to add something that came to mind after I posted this...a few weeks ago, my husband stayed here with us for probably a week or so, then things fell apart. I will say that I bear some responsibility. This whole situation has been hard to deal with; when I've tried to find support or resources, sometimes people listen, then they sort of act like I'm a little "crazy", like I can't handle that "it's an affair, get over it and move on".

Even if it was "an affair", I can handle that, because I know that those are often more about the other person, not the spouse. And I know those don't have to end a marriage, although I know it'd be hard to work through.

Anyway, the day my husband left, he was sort of angry and saying things like, "and she brings me cookies and listens to me and..."
I didn't reply at the time, but digested the whole conversation. I approached him later and said, "I've brought you cookies and I listen to you." He looked at me like I WAS crazy and asked me what I was talking about...I said I was replying to what he said the other day. He denied talking about cookies, etc., so I let it drop. The other day he was VERY angry and yelled at me when I mentioned that he hadn't knocked (I feel he is violating my boundaries, although don't know why it upsets him to knock. He was, for a while.); he called me a c*nt and made a few other choice comments. No apology and he acts like it never happened.

I remember that when I used to feel very strong emotion (I guess my progress is showing, 'cause I don't remember, but probably anger, maybe fear), I'd often forget later what I'd said or what had occurred. Sort of dissociated. The thing with the cookies really struck me, though, because there'd be no logical reason for denying the statement; I wasn't angry and wasn't trying to "start something" (other than some dialogue). If he's doing that, how do I deal with it? He's done it with our teenage daughters and hurt them terribly at times. Play a tape back?

I've been working on and wanting to resolve rape and other issues for about 20 years; I think I can honestly say I see things in a lot different light and like myself better. My husband isn't inclined to look at himself and resists looking at things other than from his own, original viewpoint. The only choices I can think of are to try to discuss things; he will get mad and stalk away, even if I remain calm and use all the "right" kinds of statements. Or I can shut my mouth. I'd like to avoid throwing our marriage away, and he can't name one REAL reason to divorce...I just get the idea that he doesn't want to look at me...that I'm like a mirror he doesn't want to see. The only thing he's really ever said to me about things he knows about from my own past is "I'm sorry that happened to you."

#363617 - 06/05/11 03:06 AM Re: We think "victimized", he says "no". Any hope? [Re: dadda]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi dadda, and welcome to the MS site. I read your posts above and I didn't see where you spoke about your husband being a survivor of sexual abuse? Has he stated specifically that he is or do you suspect that he is? If he has spoken with you about it, how much has he done so and where does his head seem to be with all of that aspect of his history? Obviously, with the affair he has crossed major boundaries, so now it is up to you to decide if that's a bridge too far or if you want to try and work things out. But from the things you described, he sounds very combative on some issues. Have you both tried couples counseling? If not, I would encourage you to give it a try -- if he's resistant to that then he may have already made up his mind. Please take care of yourself, I know that seems hard at times when he's walking on you. Everyone deserves to be respected, and he has disrespected you in many ways.



Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

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