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#365980 - 07/14/11 07:25 PM Re: Where to go? [Re: aloved1]
loved1forever Offline

Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 15
Thanks Vicki. I can't tell you how much it means to be able to come to this site for feedback and support from people essentially going through the same issues. Although it's painful right now, there's a certain comfort in knowing you're not going crazy, and that there's an explanation for the behavior and actions you've been subjected to. Before I found this site I was coming down really hard on myself and that was not healthy in the least.

I think I will take the time to go home for a visit. It's too hard being here right now and I do need think straight through this situation without the day-to-day heaviness of it all.

I was thinking of buying Mike Lew's book Victim No Longer and leaving it here for him to hopefully read while I'm gone. Can anyone tell me their thoughts on whether that would be helpful or not?

Once I do come back it will be decision time and I'm hoping he would take the opportunity of being alone here to possibly look at this issue instead of running away once again. The first time was devastating enough, and a second time means this story has ended for good.

#365982 - 07/14/11 09:37 PM Re: Where to go? [Re: loved1forever]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Loved one

Mikes book is great and it could do no harm to buy it for the H, If he reads it great if he doesn't read it not so, but it might plant a seed in his mind.
Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Have a good rest and heal well


Matrix Men South Africa
Survivors Supporting Each other
Matrix Men Blog

#366036 - 07/15/11 10:44 PM Re: Where to go? [Re: whome]
loved1forever Offline

Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 15
Hi Whome,

Thanks for the feedback and good wishes. He just might read it if I leave it for him. I know he wants to heal but is having trouble making that leap. I can sense how scared he is and it tears me up in side. He has not sought therapy yet and is having difficulty making that step. Is Mike Lew's book suitable to read if you have not begun therapy?

Thanks for your help,

#366059 - 07/16/11 08:25 AM Re: Where to go? [Re: loved1forever]
katie1205 Offline

Registered: 07/03/11
Posts: 48
While I feel bad for him, CSA or no CSA, he doesn't get to abuse you. EVER. I left a marriage of 16 years (relationship of 19 total) because my husband literally hit me once. As dysfunctional and screwed up and abusive as my family, etc. was my mother for some reason always ground it into us girls that you don't let men abuse you for ANY reason and if they hit you once, they'll do it again. So I literally went to family law the next day and filed. I know not the same situation. At times, Adam will rage at me about one of his brothers or something and that I talked to them or something. And though he towers a foot over me and weighs 100 pounds more than me, I don't tolerate it. I tell him he has a choice, he can go sit it the other room or he can take his bicycle and go for a really long (like 2 hour ride) but nobody gets to abuse me verbally or otherwise. I think you need therapy to learn those kinds of boundaries and that you are worthy and worthwhile and beautiful as a human being and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect no matter what. CSA or no CSA, you don't get to cheat on your wife, etc.

Much love,


#366098 - 07/17/11 02:05 AM Re: Where to go? [Re: katie1205]
loved1forever Offline

Registered: 05/29/11
Posts: 15
Katie, I fully agree, CSA does not give anyone the right to abuse others. I have made that very clear to him. He has never physically abused me, and until now, I donít think he has been capable of grasping exactly how his actions deeply hurt me emotionally. This is a man that rarely ever so much as raises his voice. This is not a nasty ogre. Heís an extremely intelligent, funny, generous, sensitive person who was victimized and sexually abused as a child and essentially robbed of the tools necessary to live a happy balanced life. Because of this, the harm he causes is more along the lines of putting up walls, numbing out, severe lack of openness and communication, secrecy, workaholism, and actions that subconsciously attempt to sabotage a relationship that threatens to break down the wall (self-imposed prison) that he has carefully erected over a lifetime in order to protect himself.

These behaviors, from what I understand, are classic lasting effects of CSA in males. I have called him on his behavior every single time and have vocalized my boundaries very clearly. That's precisely why we are where we are now. Ultimately if he isn't ready or refuses to see a T in order to heal and acquire the necessary tools, sadly, we are done for good.

I have known this man for over 20 years and we only got back together the second time because he assured me that he was healed (little did I know then that it is simply not possible to heal without help from a T).

Yes, there is no doubt his behavior this second time around is causing extreme pain, more so because Iím feeling stranded on the West Coast, this time far from family. But I am very clear on boundaries and I have drawn them and voiced them and called him on each and every one loud and clear. I do not have a problem in the boundary department.

But, I also believe in forgiveness, compassion and healing. My parents, who went through their own troubles raising a family of seven kids, instilled this in me along with pride and always standing up for what you believe in, especially yourself. There were many, many difficulties in their relationship, and along the way, they could have called it quits a number of times through the alcoholism to the dysfunction. But the bottom line was there was love and devotion which saw them through their very happy latter years where they were still the spark in each others' eye... and absolutely loved and adored by their grown children.

Thanks for your input. I hope Adam and you heal well.

Take care,

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