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#363351 - 05/31/11 09:00 PM Re: Am I an abuser? [Re: aeon jiminy]
just me Offline

Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 200
Hi there.

I think there is a lot of work to be done (with a therapist perhaps)about where the motivation to expose yourself came from. Just wanted to 'be seen' is probably an understatement. It is unusual to be 'out there' in this way. You sounded driven. Sexual drive and sexual acting out are not the same thing. It sounds to me like you were 'acting out' sexually, and that didn't come from nowhere.

You were a kid, and you are not responsible for the adult's reaction to your nakedness. All people are responsible for there actions when they hurt others. We would do well not to confuse a cause and an explanation. 'Acting out' may be explained by CSA but it doesn't make the one who hurts another innocent of an act that was [u]caused[/u] by outside factors beyond his control.

Hang in there,

My Story

#363508 - 06/03/11 02:36 AM Re: Am I an abuser? [Re: Driftwood]
jevin Offline

Registered: 11/30/10
Posts: 47
Loc: somewhere on the Red Road
Originally Posted By: Driftwood
My dad came home once unexpectedly and caught me naked in our backyard (there was a horsetrail behind our house, and I waited by the chain link fence for guys to come riding past). My dad didn't say a word.

Reading this bit about you and your dad brought tears to my eyes. The only time you mention him at all in this thread concerns his inability to connect with you. You were so vulnerable at that moment, a perfect opportunity for him to reach out to you and provide a father's love and guidance. I wonder how many other chances he squandered to bond with you? Many boys experience this as rejection and come to see themselves as unworthy and unlovable. It leaves them desperately seeking recognition, warmth and affection from other adult males. In this sense you were perfectly set up to be sexually abused. The only difference between you and many other guys here is that you were so desperate for connection that you actively sought out your own abuse. How could you have possibly known at that age that what you were doing was inviting adults to hurt you?

In your 'Inherited Abuse' thread you said you are gay and grew up in a fundamentalist Christian family. In that setting I wonder what options you had, if any, to accept and express your homosexual feelings and attractions when they began to surface? I can't even begin to know what that shaming did to your sense of self.

So you had a father who wouldn't get close to you emotionally, and powerful push-back from the family's religious beliefs against your sexual orientation. This sounds like the perfect storm for a boy struggling to know and accept himself, and one that led you to some extreme measures to try to get what you needed.

The legal system and your parents both shamed you, and neither helped you get to the root of the pain that was driving your behavior. You don't have to keep repeating this with yourself. The shame you still carry, probably since years before your first desperate attempts to please a man and to feel like you were worth something, is what's preventing you from embracing yourself as worthwhile. A good resource for understanding shame and the many ways it blocks us from living is John Bradshaw's "Healing the Shame that Binds You." It helped me tremendously to begin to get some handles on why I could not love myself. Also, therapy isn't optional in your struggle to stop shaming yourself. You'll need it to come to a new and healthy understanding of your value, your needs and what you deserve.

I'm glad you found us. Keep talking. Lean into the other guys here who every day are making progress in facing the same painful feelings and confusion that you're beginning to walk through. You're not alone with this anymore.

- Jev

"Whatever is rejected from the self appears in the world as an event."
- Carl Jung

#363589 - 06/04/11 03:22 PM Re: Am I an abuser? [Re: jevin]
Driftwood Offline

Registered: 05/27/11
Posts: 86
Loc: Colorado
Jevin, your comments have me reeling. I keep reading this whole thread over and over. Iím not usually emotional, but I think Iíve cried more in the past few days than in the last 20 years combined. I loved my dad. I worshipped him. Did he sense I was gay, and thatís why he kept his distance? When you mention things like a fatherís love and guidance, warmth and affection, bonding, itís like Iím that little boy again and Iím bawling my eyes out. God, what would that have been like? My fatherís arm around me. I canít imagine. I so desperate wanted him.

Why couldnít he have said something to me that day? I knew there was a chance he could come home. It was rare, but he sometimes came home for lunch. I lost track of the time. Did I want to get caught? I wouldíve said no at the time, I was never so ashamed in my life, but I wonder now. Damn it! Why didnít he react? Even if heíd gotten angry and hit me, or taken me inside and whipped me, it wouldíve been better than him just driving away. I think something inside me gave up at that moment. Itís like I wasnít worth even trying to save.

Thank you guys for letting me talk about this. I never told anyone these things before. Thank you for letting me lean on you. Itís a good thing itís all online or Iíd have to wash the snot out of all your shirts.

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