I have been going through an emotional rollercoaster from hell the past few weeks.
Dave, What interesting word choice.
I am just beginning to recognize that I may be experiencing flash backs from childhood. I am not getting any images but strong feelings and emotional reactions. I go from feeling okay to suddenly strong feelings of shame strike out of nowhere. I being to sense that feeling of being "Damaged Goods" and suddenly It becomes my sense of identity.
Yes, you are good with words. I don't think anyone understands at this point why it is that when we reach a certain milestone in life the memories start to come out.
The memories, at least a lot of them, are stored in the emotional part of the brain, the amygdala. Somehow we can shut off access to these emotions so that we're unaware of them for a long time. I think this is what would be called repression.
At this point I am no longer human. I become an object. I can't even begin to describe the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, loss of sense of purpose and meaning for my life, fear beyond imagine, extreme sadness, a feeling that I don't have a right to be here and then emotional pain on a scale of 0 to 10 strikes at about 1000.
It does sound as though you were badly treated when you were a small boy. The emotions you are delving up are emotions you had then, in response to how you were treated. You mention hopeless (you couldn't get away), loss of hope, loss of purpose, great fear, great sadness, a loss of sense of self, and intense emotional pain.
This is when suicidal ideation comes into play and at times I just want to end the pain and suffering. I have had so many suicidal thoughts and felt suicidal at times in the past few weeks. I ended up checking myself into a mood disorder clinic and I am glad I did this for myself.
I've been told that 4-year-olds don't have suicidial ideation. But I distinctly remember walking out in the Bay until suddenly the water got over my head.
The thought of suicide seems to relieve the extreme pain you experience. I also had this when my memories came up. When it did I made it a practice to just call somebody: my wife, my doctor, my counselor --- just call somebody and get help.
What I am finding out is that I think I am flashing back and then suddenly I am that three or four year old child experiencing all these strong negative emotions. I wonder if I am close to uncovering some of the truth of what happened to me back then.
Dave, it sure sounds like it to me. That's something that happened to me. I was made the subject of kiddie porn along with some other boys. I then had a string of other things happen.
I have pretty much blocked out most of my childhood and maybe some memories will start coming back. Just needed to vent some thoughts and feelings. Any comments would be greatly appreciated.
A lot of your symptoms are reminiscent of me before my memories came back up. I likewise could not remember most of my childhood.
It's a good idea to find a good clinical therapist and start talking things out with him. Then he (or she) will be able to support you as new memories emerge.
A book which has helped me a lot and it's roots are at the age you are talking about is: A Fractured Mind
, by Robert B. Oxnam.http://www.amazon.com/Fractured-Mind-Multiple-Personality-Disorder/dp/B000BRYND2/