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#362566 - 05/19/11 07:16 PM It was only once.
philistine Offline

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 212
Loc: Oregon
This is in response to an online chat, not here.

I am tired of hearing people say it was only once or it wasn't that bad.
Let me ask a few questions.
Did it hurt you? Physically, emotionally, mentally or sociologically?
Does it still bother you?
Does it re-visit you, in a negative manner?

If you can answer yes to any of these, it was bad.

This is not a competition, what happened, happened and we are all dealing with this crap.

We all hurt, trying to judge a persons grief about this stuff based upon the objective reality of the severity of what happened to them is not useful, the subjective reality is were the pain lies.

Stop minimizing what happened and give yourself a break.
I say you, but I need to include me.


"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

#362572 - 05/19/11 09:30 PM Re: It was only once. [Re: philistine]
kb8715 Offline

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
Mike one time is 1 MILLION times TOO MANY.

All abuse sucks....not more info needed.

Good luck and keep recovering!


"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

#362573 - 05/19/11 09:56 PM Re: It was only once. [Re: philistine]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Very good statements you have made.

Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#362575 - 05/19/11 11:07 PM Re: It was only once. [Re: philistine]
Clockwise Offline

Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 304
Loc: Pennsylvania
I can raise my hand and say that I too have minimized my own abuse by telling myself that it only happened once. When I was old enough to acknowledge what happened to me as abuse I said over and over again that it wasn't important because I didn't suffer any physical pain and because it only happened once. I now know that it is part of the reason that I am who I am today.

Yet another 24 hours.

#362577 - 05/20/11 12:05 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: Clockwise]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I can really relate to this topic. While it happened to me more than once and involved more than one perpetrator that fact that it happened to me in adolescence led me to believe that it wasn't important or really all that bad, like you say. Either I'd minimize it and question whether it really was abuse since I'd tell myself I was old enough to stop if I really didn't like it, or because for a long time I internalized what the abusers said to me back then i.e. that their sexual exploitation was some sort of way of coming of age, sick as that sounds. Anyways bottom line is through a lot of hard work in therapy I'm coming around to understand that what happned to me was nothing less than bad. I'm doing so by getting in touch with emotions I felt while the abuse was happening, which is terrifying, and that's evidence enough of how bad it was. JS

Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

#362580 - 05/20/11 01:44 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: jls]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
It only happened once and it affected the rest of my life



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#362588 - 05/20/11 06:24 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
philistine Offline

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 212
Loc: Oregon
The only difference between once and many times is that there are more memories to avoid and/or deal with, the severity of the reaction to those memories is the same.
Long term abuse may create more problems, but it all hurts.

So, in the end I am asking that we move beyond competition and minimization and start the crappy work of learning how to deal with all of the shit that has happened.
I don't care if you were abused once as a child, spent years as a virtual slave or are trying to cope with your partners problems - you all have survival skills that I need to learn, can listen and just help bear what has happened and every once in a while someone says something and Bingo a puzzle piece is placed.


"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

#362590 - 05/20/11 06:38 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
sidestep Offline

Registered: 05/12/11
Posts: 34

One Time

I used to think if it only happened one time would I be so screwed up!!
My t would look at me and say YES!

I would look back and say “but it would be so much easier”
He would look at me and say “NO it isn’t”

I’m a logical person and I said “but it would seem to be much faster for recovery?”
That’s when he started to break it down!

In recovery we deal with emotions that are screwed up by something that happened
In your life, and the way you react to that emotion.

He said think of each emotion as a hurdle and lets say guilt is the one we need to work on

DO you think that the hurdle of guilt is any different for anyone else?
When you have that trigger its directed to one instance that happened!
Is that one instance any different emotionally then the other’s?
Or does it carry the same pain as all the other’s

I said “Yes”

He said that’s why we need to deal with the emotion and not each individual situation
He said hell marc you would be back in here as soon as we finished one to redo another

Anyway I got the message and then I’m thinking “well hell, I fell bad for the person that has to go through this shit for just one time. I understand all this pain and emotion, and hell, I feel lucky now. (sorry to say that)

Anyway I learned that day it really doesn’t Matter and if you are trying to deal with the situation and not the emotion it’s a long way around the block. (for me that is)

That will be $.02 please


#362606 - 05/20/11 11:45 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: sidestep]
Rusty563 Offline

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 209
Loc: Anywhere, USA
When I first came to MS I had my doubts because my experiences couldn't compare with some of the other's especially those with CSA but after much "counseling" and reassurance from other members of MS I have come to realize and accept I belong here.

As one of the members told me "we all have different stories and experiences to tell but the result is all the same."


There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King

#362611 - 05/20/11 01:16 PM Re: It was only once. [Re: Rusty563]
fearlessnow Offline

Registered: 10/15/10
Posts: 11
Loc: new york
just wanted to say i really relate to this topic too.

#362684 - 05/21/11 12:48 PM Re: It was only once. [Re: fearlessnow]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 732
Loc: United States
There is no hierarchy of pain - there is just pain.

Don't count the number of times, or the severity, or the number of perps to try to understand why you are here.

Instead, look at your life and your spirit to see how you are affected.

If you're in a car accident, you don't look at the number, size, and type of cars involved to understand how to heal your injuries. You look at and listen to your body.



Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

#362686 - 05/21/11 01:01 PM Re: It was only once. [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
ren42 Offline

Registered: 03/26/11
Posts: 54

Edited by ren42 (12/28/12 04:19 PM)

#362704 - 05/21/11 09:37 PM Re: It was only once. [Re: fearlessnow]
RICK57 Offline

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Currently in the UK there is something of a debate going on about the seriousness of rape (male against female) and the impact it may have. I believe in the US you are having 'Slut Marches' (I don't know what I think when I write that)!

Strangely today I sent a 9 page e-mail on the topic of child abuse to one journalist that had included the rape topic in his column!

This is an extract:

It was at Male Survivor, that I realised that there was no best way to have been abused. Previously I thought that had I been attacked and left half dead or killed by some weirdo, it would have been easier for myself and others to understand. I could have explained such circumstances to others without shame (obviously not if I’d been killed) and probably recovered quickly from the attack. Violence doesn’t seem to have the same taboo as abuse, particularly abuse of males. I realised that others had been groomed then abused by others that they had fully trusted, but we all shared the same shame regardless of whether there was violence or compliance. The people at this wonderful site made me realise that I should have no shame, as I had not had any relevant life experience, or the frames of reference to deal with what had happened to me, in any other way than I had done.

Best wishes Rik

*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

#362717 - 05/22/11 01:43 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: RICK57]
philistine Offline

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 212
Loc: Oregon
I keep saying this, but it seems to never sink in.


"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

#362904 - 05/24/11 11:53 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: philistine]
Tom S. Offline

Registered: 04/15/03
Posts: 161
Loc: Nashville, Tn
Because of the secondary assaults and abuse I've received since it was first disclosed I was a 'victim', I can no longer view having relations with mother as abusive.
In fact, I use those experiences to substitute other female assaults, and especially those from the psychological industry, and I don't care who that might offend.
Tom S. in Tn.

' None are so enslaved as those falsely led to believe they are actually free '

#363079 - 05/27/11 02:03 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: Tom S.]
Letourski Offline

Registered: 03/15/08
Posts: 314
Loc: Canada
Hello Guys,

I have not posted in a really long time, but this topic hits home on many fronts for me.

The pain we feel is subjective. To objectify what we went through in quantifiable terms defeats the very purpose we came here. The feeling of being understood here at MS transcends the feeling of loneliness we have all felt in our lives. Comparisons will only divide us.

Like others have said, pain is pain just the same. We all internalized the abuse differently. It is the resulting wounds that are common in so many of us. And as long as we are working towards recovery, we are working towards the same thing.

My two cents.



I am the warrior.

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