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#362566 - 05/19/11 11:16 PM It was only once.
philistine Offline

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 212
Loc: Oregon
This is in response to an online chat, not here.

I am tired of hearing people say it was only once or it wasn't that bad.
Let me ask a few questions.
Did it hurt you? Physically, emotionally, mentally or sociologically?
Does it still bother you?
Does it re-visit you, in a negative manner?

If you can answer yes to any of these, it was bad.

This is not a competition, what happened, happened and we are all dealing with this crap.

We all hurt, trying to judge a persons grief about this stuff based upon the objective reality of the severity of what happened to them is not useful, the subjective reality is were the pain lies.

Stop minimizing what happened and give yourself a break.
I say you, but I need to include me.


"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

#362572 - 05/20/11 01:30 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: philistine]
kb8715 Offline

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
Mike one time is 1 MILLION times TOO MANY.

All abuse sucks....not more info needed.

Good luck and keep recovering!


"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

#362573 - 05/20/11 01:56 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: philistine]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Very good statements you have made.

Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#362575 - 05/20/11 03:07 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: philistine]
Clockwise Offline

Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 304
Loc: Pennsylvania
I can raise my hand and say that I too have minimized my own abuse by telling myself that it only happened once. When I was old enough to acknowledge what happened to me as abuse I said over and over again that it wasn't important because I didn't suffer any physical pain and because it only happened once. I now know that it is part of the reason that I am who I am today.

Yet another 24 hours.

#362577 - 05/20/11 04:05 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: Clockwise]
jls Offline

Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I can really relate to this topic. While it happened to me more than once and involved more than one perpetrator that fact that it happened to me in adolescence led me to believe that it wasn't important or really all that bad, like you say. Either I'd minimize it and question whether it really was abuse since I'd tell myself I was old enough to stop if I really didn't like it, or because for a long time I internalized what the abusers said to me back then i.e. that their sexual exploitation was some sort of way of coming of age, sick as that sounds. Anyways bottom line is through a lot of hard work in therapy I'm coming around to understand that what happned to me was nothing less than bad. I'm doing so by getting in touch with emotions I felt while the abuse was happening, which is terrifying, and that's evidence enough of how bad it was. JS

Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.

#362580 - 05/20/11 05:44 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: jls]

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 983
It only happened once and it affected the rest of my life



"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

#362588 - 05/20/11 10:24 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
philistine Offline

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 212
Loc: Oregon
The only difference between once and many times is that there are more memories to avoid and/or deal with, the severity of the reaction to those memories is the same.
Long term abuse may create more problems, but it all hurts.

So, in the end I am asking that we move beyond competition and minimization and start the crappy work of learning how to deal with all of the shit that has happened.
I don't care if you were abused once as a child, spent years as a virtual slave or are trying to cope with your partners problems - you all have survival skills that I need to learn, can listen and just help bear what has happened and every once in a while someone says something and Bingo a puzzle piece is placed.


"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

#362590 - 05/20/11 10:38 AM Re: It was only once. [Re: OKIE MIKE]
sidestep Offline

Registered: 05/12/11
Posts: 34

One Time

I used to think if it only happened one time would I be so screwed up!!
My t would look at me and say YES!

I would look back and say “but it would be so much easier”
He would look at me and say “NO it isn’t”

I’m a logical person and I said “but it would seem to be much faster for recovery?”
That’s when he started to break it down!

In recovery we deal with emotions that are screwed up by something that happened
In your life, and the way you react to that emotion.

He said think of each emotion as a hurdle and lets say guilt is the one we need to work on

DO you think that the hurdle of guilt is any different for anyone else?
When you have that trigger its directed to one instance that happened!
Is that one instance any different emotionally then the other’s?
Or does it carry the same pain as all the other’s

I said “Yes”

He said that’s why we need to deal with the emotion and not each individual situation
He said hell marc you would be back in here as soon as we finished one to redo another

Anyway I got the message and then I’m thinking “well hell, I fell bad for the person that has to go through this shit for just one time. I understand all this pain and emotion, and hell, I feel lucky now. (sorry to say that)

Anyway I learned that day it really doesn’t Matter and if you are trying to deal with the situation and not the emotion it’s a long way around the block. (for me that is)

That will be $.02 please


#362606 - 05/20/11 03:45 PM Re: It was only once. [Re: sidestep]
Rusty563 Offline

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 209
Loc: Anywhere, USA
When I first came to MS I had my doubts because my experiences couldn't compare with some of the other's especially those with CSA but after much "counseling" and reassurance from other members of MS I have come to realize and accept I belong here.

As one of the members told me "we all have different stories and experiences to tell but the result is all the same."


There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King

#362611 - 05/20/11 05:16 PM Re: It was only once. [Re: Rusty563]
fearlessnow Offline

Registered: 10/15/10
Posts: 11
Loc: new york
just wanted to say i really relate to this topic too.

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