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#362233 - 05/15/11 02:39 AM Hi my name is Philip
philipdeal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/15/11
Posts: 14
Loc: Boston MA
Hi my name is Philip, I am a 30 year old dancer and yoga instructor. I wanted to join this forum because I am so tiered of fighting my pain alone. I am seriously ill and I am now taking measures to get professional help for my PTSD. I have a very dark childhood, I was sexually exploited by my mother and my aunt for the first 13 years of my life. I was also a victim of sexual abuse from outside the family by a very old man that manipulated me by using gifts and money to pressure me into having intercourse with him. I am also a sexworker, I have in the past month "retired" from being a male escort and "erotic bodyworker". I have so much to say but I do not know where to begin. I hope you say hi to me and I am going to try and share more about myself and my experiences. Tonight I have just been depressed and I am feeling so much shame. I dont know what to do.


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#362235 - 05/15/11 02:50 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
FormerTexan Offline

Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11954
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome to MS, Philip. I hope you find the support you need on your recovery journey. If you have any questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to reach out to a moderator via private message.

Andy

_________________________

Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#362241 - 05/15/11 07:57 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: FormerTexan]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Welcome Philip you are among friends who will assist you in discoveries one very important one is the shame you currently are feeling (something most all of us know all too well) belongs elsewhere, Earlybird



Edited by earlybird (05/15/11 07:58 AM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#362248 - 05/15/11 10:26 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: earlybird]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome
Welcome
Welcome
A thousand times-you are welcome here Philip.

Congrats on not wanting to fight the pain alone anymore.

You will discover a whole community of men who've been there before and are supporting eachother on the road of recovery.

Sexual abused messed me up-and I continued to act out in ways that stemmed from the original abuses-this acting out, escapism, addiction and avoidance only dug a deeper hole for me. It is a miracle that I have discovered healthy living relationships and intimacy today given where I came from.

For me, this started with the decision to stop living in secrecy And self medicating and seek help from others who suffered like I did. I found acceptance and safe support among other men who helped me rebuild my life and myself.

I hear your decision to start a different path-never forget that-and please know it is entirely possible. Welcome to the second half of your life!



Edited by Mountainous Buck (05/15/11 10:29 AM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#362253 - 05/15/11 11:07 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: Mountainous Buck]
ren42 Offline


Registered: 03/26/11
Posts: 54
.


Edited by ren42 (12/28/12 11:01 AM)

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#362258 - 05/15/11 12:25 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: ren42]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Welcome Phillip ...if you ever choose to read my story, you'll see that i used to be a sex worker too...no judgement from me, just a pair of arms held out...

Go slowly into the light, my brother smile

Forrest

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#362259 - 05/15/11 12:29 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: ren42]
philipdeal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/15/11
Posts: 14
Loc: Boston MA
Right now I am going through several emotional battles. The first is sexual orientation, second is acting out, third is difficulty with intimacy. They are all so complicated its hard to sort out. Also because I have quit doing massages I have lost my source of income. Im so broke but I refuse to go back to giving "happy endings" for a living and feeling degraded. Everytime I do an appointment I feel so dirty, Im groped, and treated like a piece of meat. Objectified. I have developed a hatred towards other men and a serious mistrust of them and their intentions. When I come into contact with other men I ether feel that they look at me with disgust or are predators checking me out. Not all the men, I do have a two male friends I trust, both heterosexual. I have been seriously damaged for allowing myself to stay in the sex industry as long as I have. I tried to tell myself that I liked it and wanted to do it, at times I got a lot of sexual gratification during appointments, but acting in ways that I do not feel are myself, hearing things coming out of my mouth that shocked me during the encounter.

I believe in the holistic aspects of massage, I also believe performing erotic massage on one's partner is a beautiful expression of love between two people. But That is far from my experience, one dealing with the kind of men that came to me, and two having money thrown at you for your "service". There is a man that started as a client of mine, we now call each other friends, he has given me a lot of financial support, and acts like a "sugar daddy". I secretly despise it, but I think he is a good person. I do not think he is taking advantage of me, but I feel obligated to give him sex play as a reciprocation. What should I do?

Also I am not sexually attracted to men anymore, I do not know if I ever really have been. I am extremely uncomfortable interacting sexually or intimately with men, almost to the point of nausea. I have considered myself bisexual for a long time but I dont think I am. I feel heterosexual inside but afraid to present myself as one. I want a girlfriend and wife. I love women and am very very sexually attracted to them, and I long for intimacy with a woman. I have a woman right now I have been seeing for a couple of months. When we are alone we are intimate, she holds me, we have sex and it feels so natural to me. Even though I know what I like and want sexually I feel inadequacy as a man. This is a source of pain.

And even though I can be intimate with her, I have these moments of shut down where I am unable to function and feel anything emotionally. Like I am in a dead zone.


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#362285 - 05/15/11 10:17 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Philip, I hear you.

So long as I continued to be sexually active (with porn, acting out, masturbation, etc.), my ability to be authentically sexual and intimate was blocked. This was a lifelong problem.

For me, I never knew authentic sexuality until I took a time out and had to open up and be honest about my sexuality: years of behavior, control, fantasy, dishonesty, infidelity, etc.

It is more than okay - it is healing - to take a break from being sexual and sort through who we really are, what our attractions, behaviors, and preferences are really about deep down.

Taking a break from sex, I discovered how much I was affected by my early childhood sexual experiences, including strong shaming messages against heterosexuality I picked up from the women in my family when I was a kid. I saw how unrewarding and even controlling many of my sexual patterns were, and how secretive, isolating, and ultimately abuse many of my sexual behaviors had become.

In doing so, a powerful, authentic, nurturing, and unique sexuality was born inside me. I felt like a teenager in possession of a strong sexuality free from shame, the past, etc.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#362333 - 05/16/11 01:10 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 167
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Hi I am Jean-Pierre. If you need a ear well I just hope I can help, like lots of men here can help you. Yes my guest is the pain we suffer. I think we don't know how to manage it. Take care.


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#362579 - 05/20/11 01:26 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: une.vie.d.espoir]
philipdeal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/15/11
Posts: 14
Loc: Boston MA
I wanted you all to know that I actually went to see a therapist today... Now that I have health insurance through MA I have medical help... The therapist who just did my evaluation and suggested program of care has sent me to an out patient center for immediate help.


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