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#362233 - 05/15/11 02:39 AM Hi my name is Philip
philipdeal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/15/11
Posts: 14
Loc: Boston MA
Hi my name is Philip, I am a 30 year old dancer and yoga instructor. I wanted to join this forum because I am so tiered of fighting my pain alone. I am seriously ill and I am now taking measures to get professional help for my PTSD. I have a very dark childhood, I was sexually exploited by my mother and my aunt for the first 13 years of my life. I was also a victim of sexual abuse from outside the family by a very old man that manipulated me by using gifts and money to pressure me into having intercourse with him. I am also a sexworker, I have in the past month "retired" from being a male escort and "erotic bodyworker". I have so much to say but I do not know where to begin. I hope you say hi to me and I am going to try and share more about myself and my experiences. Tonight I have just been depressed and I am feeling so much shame. I dont know what to do.


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#362235 - 05/15/11 02:50 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
FormerTexan Offline

Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11954
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome to MS, Philip. I hope you find the support you need on your recovery journey. If you have any questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to reach out to a moderator via private message.

Andy

_________________________

Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#362241 - 05/15/11 07:57 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: FormerTexan]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Welcome Philip you are among friends who will assist you in discoveries one very important one is the shame you currently are feeling (something most all of us know all too well) belongs elsewhere, Earlybird



Edited by earlybird (05/15/11 07:58 AM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#362248 - 05/15/11 10:26 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: earlybird]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Welcome
Welcome
Welcome
A thousand times-you are welcome here Philip.

Congrats on not wanting to fight the pain alone anymore.

You will discover a whole community of men who've been there before and are supporting eachother on the road of recovery.

Sexual abused messed me up-and I continued to act out in ways that stemmed from the original abuses-this acting out, escapism, addiction and avoidance only dug a deeper hole for me. It is a miracle that I have discovered healthy living relationships and intimacy today given where I came from.

For me, this started with the decision to stop living in secrecy And self medicating and seek help from others who suffered like I did. I found acceptance and safe support among other men who helped me rebuild my life and myself.

I hear your decision to start a different path-never forget that-and please know it is entirely possible. Welcome to the second half of your life!



Edited by Mountainous Buck (05/15/11 10:29 AM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#362253 - 05/15/11 11:07 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: Mountainous Buck]
ren42 Offline


Registered: 03/26/11
Posts: 54
.


Edited by ren42 (12/28/12 11:01 AM)

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#362258 - 05/15/11 12:25 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: ren42]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Welcome Phillip ...if you ever choose to read my story, you'll see that i used to be a sex worker too...no judgement from me, just a pair of arms held out...

Go slowly into the light, my brother smile

Forrest

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#362259 - 05/15/11 12:29 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: ren42]
philipdeal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/15/11
Posts: 14
Loc: Boston MA
Right now I am going through several emotional battles. The first is sexual orientation, second is acting out, third is difficulty with intimacy. They are all so complicated its hard to sort out. Also because I have quit doing massages I have lost my source of income. Im so broke but I refuse to go back to giving "happy endings" for a living and feeling degraded. Everytime I do an appointment I feel so dirty, Im groped, and treated like a piece of meat. Objectified. I have developed a hatred towards other men and a serious mistrust of them and their intentions. When I come into contact with other men I ether feel that they look at me with disgust or are predators checking me out. Not all the men, I do have a two male friends I trust, both heterosexual. I have been seriously damaged for allowing myself to stay in the sex industry as long as I have. I tried to tell myself that I liked it and wanted to do it, at times I got a lot of sexual gratification during appointments, but acting in ways that I do not feel are myself, hearing things coming out of my mouth that shocked me during the encounter.

I believe in the holistic aspects of massage, I also believe performing erotic massage on one's partner is a beautiful expression of love between two people. But That is far from my experience, one dealing with the kind of men that came to me, and two having money thrown at you for your "service". There is a man that started as a client of mine, we now call each other friends, he has given me a lot of financial support, and acts like a "sugar daddy". I secretly despise it, but I think he is a good person. I do not think he is taking advantage of me, but I feel obligated to give him sex play as a reciprocation. What should I do?

Also I am not sexually attracted to men anymore, I do not know if I ever really have been. I am extremely uncomfortable interacting sexually or intimately with men, almost to the point of nausea. I have considered myself bisexual for a long time but I dont think I am. I feel heterosexual inside but afraid to present myself as one. I want a girlfriend and wife. I love women and am very very sexually attracted to them, and I long for intimacy with a woman. I have a woman right now I have been seeing for a couple of months. When we are alone we are intimate, she holds me, we have sex and it feels so natural to me. Even though I know what I like and want sexually I feel inadequacy as a man. This is a source of pain.

And even though I can be intimate with her, I have these moments of shut down where I am unable to function and feel anything emotionally. Like I am in a dead zone.


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#362285 - 05/15/11 10:17 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Philip, I hear you.

So long as I continued to be sexually active (with porn, acting out, masturbation, etc.), my ability to be authentically sexual and intimate was blocked. This was a lifelong problem.

For me, I never knew authentic sexuality until I took a time out and had to open up and be honest about my sexuality: years of behavior, control, fantasy, dishonesty, infidelity, etc.

It is more than okay - it is healing - to take a break from being sexual and sort through who we really are, what our attractions, behaviors, and preferences are really about deep down.

Taking a break from sex, I discovered how much I was affected by my early childhood sexual experiences, including strong shaming messages against heterosexuality I picked up from the women in my family when I was a kid. I saw how unrewarding and even controlling many of my sexual patterns were, and how secretive, isolating, and ultimately abuse many of my sexual behaviors had become.

In doing so, a powerful, authentic, nurturing, and unique sexuality was born inside me. I felt like a teenager in possession of a strong sexuality free from shame, the past, etc.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#362333 - 05/16/11 01:10 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 167
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Hi I am Jean-Pierre. If you need a ear well I just hope I can help, like lots of men here can help you. Yes my guest is the pain we suffer. I think we don't know how to manage it. Take care.


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#362579 - 05/20/11 01:26 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: une.vie.d.espoir]
philipdeal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/15/11
Posts: 14
Loc: Boston MA
I wanted you all to know that I actually went to see a therapist today... Now that I have health insurance through MA I have medical help... The therapist who just did my evaluation and suggested program of care has sent me to an out patient center for immediate help.


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#362585 - 05/20/11 04:38 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
pbert53 Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 576
Loc: Washington, USA
Hello Philip,

My name is paul and i am glad that you joined us here at MS.org. I am also glad that you were able to see a T and that you are going to get the help you need to advance on your path to recovery.

Your story is familiar. Your pain is shared. You are not alone.

I hope you will stay and learn and grow with us. It can be very painful and difficult but well worth the work.

I hope to meet you in Chat some time. If you ever need a listening ear, feel free to private message me, (PM) either in chat or into my message area.

peace

paul smile

_________________________
If you cannot control what happens to you, you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.

~ adapted from: Sri Ram

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#441687 - 07/22/13 01:05 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6336
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
welcome, Philip.

good to have you here.

sorry to hear about your negative past experiences.

and with time, i pray you can leave those negative experiences in the past (where they belong).

hope today is ok.
here's to the future.

this website can help you to put it all into perspective.


my heart goes with you on your road to recovery.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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#441703 - 07/22/13 05:51 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
Bowen Offline


Registered: 07/21/13
Posts: 6
Loc: Vermont, USA
Thanks so much for sharing Philip. Reading these stories gives me a lot of hope. I was abused for three years by a boarding school teacher. I am only now starting to realize how much a resented my mother for sending me away in seventh grade. I think I have always held her partly responsible.

I suffer now with questions of my sexual identity. I have been married for 22 years. I fantasize with gay porn, and have had a few encounters that initially make me feel wanted, but always end with me feeling empty. I have thought of myself as bi, and even shared that with my closest friend. He and I have had a couple of encounters that have gone south, but I still find myself attracted to him. It is so damned confusing!

Like some of the other guys who's stuff I've read, I often think that I would be happiest alone. Although I love people. As I have opened up to some people recently, it has amazed me how receptive they are. -and how unapproachable they say I have been. I used to think that was kind of cool to be dark and brooding, but now know how much I've missed out on of life by not having deep relationships

My marriage has been a great friendship with a woman who has been a wonderful roommate. We are working on our intimacy, and she has been great about trying to make me feel attractive.

I still struggling with the identity piece. Why do I always want to turn to the gay porn option? Is it because I think that that is how to get close to men? I want close guy friends. Think it's totally OK to be gay. I just don't know if I am, and don't want to sacrifice my family and then find that I was wrong!

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#442343 - 07/27/13 11:08 AM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
peacemaker67 Offline


Registered: 05/28/12
Posts: 45
Loc: WI
hi philip,
after reading your posts I think what you are experiencing as "deadness" is just that; your emotions are probably tied up in fear and hurt from what you have gone through. I think as you move forward toward a different path you will find-with time and healing-that these things will get better. You have a lot to sort out, so give yourself the time to do that and heal.

Hope you find peace and breakthrough.
peace
_________________________
-Love is love when it is free; love is love when others don't feed on you as a "need". If we reach one person with betterment, and in turn that one reaches another, what power we have to change the world."

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#442520 - 07/29/13 12:23 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 760
Loc: Canada
Welcome Philip ...

I believe there is something important that you must know now that you are here.

Your life is not unique ... nor is your story.
You are unique.

Here you will find men who have shared your experiences to the extent that you could be the same person ...
and you will meet people who are so different ... who have had/have a life so alien to your own that it will be difficult for you to relate to them.

Keep this in mind.
We are all here for the same reason ...
and that makes us all equal.

Speak freely ...
Listen carefully ...
There is much to learn ... much to gain ... by doing both.

On a personal level ...
I too have slept with countless men.
I was driven to do so because it was the only thing that gave me value ...
in a life that was rich and full.

So ...
The difference between us ?
Money.

So ...
Who should bear the greater shame ?

The person who judges us.

Welcome Philip
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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#442636 - 07/30/13 03:31 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
freeze-on Offline


Registered: 08/08/09
Posts: 79
Loc: southeast
hey man, glad you are here...hope the best for you for this day and tomorrow.....one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. peace to you bro.

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#442639 - 07/30/13 03:41 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
Chase Eric Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 2442
Has anyone noticed that the original post is well over two years old? Wherever you are Philip, I hope you are doing well.
_________________________

..


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#442645 - 07/30/13 04:28 PM Re: Hi my name is Philip [Re: philipdeal]
Shyshark Offline


Registered: 10/30/12
Posts: 760
Loc: Canada
GOOD HEAVENS ...

No ...

Thanks for letting me know Chase ...

... and Philip ... if you see this ...

I hope life for you has been better

and that you're well.
_________________________
Experience is a brutal teacher.

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