I've been away lately. I think I'm taking some big steps, I just don't feel like they're much worth celebrating. I'm starting a men's group next Wednesday. I've told several friends about my CSA. I've met a couple survivors. I've been going to therapy. I just don't feel all the things people have been saying to me. I don't feel courageous. I don't feel like there's a reason to be proud. I don't feel relief...if anything else, I feel I could go back to the time before I 'came out' about my CSA. But I'm up and down so much, I don't know what to think. Friday I was proud for the first time...when I met the leader of the men's group and he told me I was in. And then by Friday night I had talked myself out of being proud of the accomplishment. Not a big deal to go to a 10 minute meeting. My therapist keeps saying how proud she is of me...but I don't feel it. I just want to argue with everybody who tells me I should cut myself some slack. I just want to tell people who say I shouldn't feel guilt or shame to shut up. I can't understand that I will get to that place where I won't feel weighed down by guilt and shame. I tried to work my way through a PTSD workbook, but it only made me hostile. I hold on to those things that make me think negatively. When the book tried to get me to think positively, I just wanted to kill somebody. I can't think positively or everything will fall apart. I'm sorry...I really haven't gotten to the point yet where I feel like popping in because I'm in a good mood. I don't feel good about coming in and complaining and dumping, either. There has to be give and take...but I haven't gotten to the give part here yet. I'm sorry. I'm just cranky and I'm trying to analyze my therapist appointment yesterday...and trying to read books and literature while hiding them from the kids. I feel like I have to carry the books that are holding my head above water in brown paper bags...because I'm ashamed to be seen with them. And I can't let the kids see them, because I still haven't decided if I'm going to tell them, even though my wife and I talked to the therapist about it and we kind of decided it might be best. I just want to punch myself in the face. And I just go about my daily life, smiling, talking, emailing, writing...and whatever else. I keep tapping and I can't stop, because if I do it'll all fall apart. And I came here tonight and nobody was in chat. I can't wait for the men's group next Wednesday...I would have run from it forever before now...but now that I know I'm going to be in it, I just want to be in it now. I just want to get there. I just want to be around these other men who will understand how I feel. I'm so tired of being me. I'm so tired of it I just want to scream. Come on, next Wednesday.