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#361318 - 05/03/11 07:04 AM How to understand this?
Lenoir Offline

Registered: 05/03/11
Posts: 3

I have known my fiance for 5 and a half years (we are both 21 yo). He has always told me that he has done horrible things, but would never tell me what these things were. I was finally able to get it out of him.

He told me that when he was 7-years-old he raped his mother. He was a weak child and no more than 3.5 feet tall and she was in the Navy; I just don't believe that he could have forcibly restrained and raped her. Later that night he told me she "gave in" to this so-called rape and let him do this.

I think that she molested him, and that he is confused and feels angry with himself for something he never had control in doing. I myself am a rape victim and I know how easy it is to blame yourself for these things. But, is it possible that a boy can think he raped his mother and believe he is an abomination to the human race, when in fact it was her doing?

Also, he has "forgiven" himself for what he thinks he did. But can I forgive his mother for letting this trauma happen to him? Are you ever able to forgive something like that?

I am angry, for obvious reasons. At both his mother for having this happen and his father for not being there to stop it (he abandoned him for 2 years on a drug binge after this happened; I only wonder if he left because of this). We will be going to couples counseling to conquer both of our traumas, but I would appreciate any advice from those who have actually been through an experience like this.

Thank You,

#361319 - 05/03/11 10:27 AM Re: How to understand this? [Re: Lenoir]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
No small child can rape an adult unless the adult is dead or passed out (not trying to be funny, just making a point). This woman has groomed her son and taken advantage of him. Your fiance was abused...he was not the abuser. I'm glad you are here to get support. Hopefully he will one day be able to come here, too.

#361321 - 05/03/11 11:02 AM Re: How to understand this? [Re: hopeandtry]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007
Hope4him hit it perfectly and I’d like to reinforce just how easy it is for an abuser to shift the responsibility of despicable actions onto others especially the victim. When you asked the question:

“But can I forgive his mother for letting this trauma happen to him?”

There was a tale tale sign that even you were lessening the mother’s role which is an easy trap to fall into. (No blame meant) She did not “let” this happen she “did” this to her son. To let it happen is passive by nature. By suggesting she let her son “do” this "to" her, not so subtly makes him the aggressor. Sense a male has an erection and visually ejaculates it is easy for the blame to be shifted onto him by the perp, himself or society as a whole. As to the forgiving her part of your question that is an extremely personal decision.

I’m so sorry you yourself have been a victim to sexual violence/rape. I’m impressed that the two of you are going in for counseling. All my best to the two of you. Earlybird

Edited by earlybird (05/03/11 11:12 AM)
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#361332 - 05/03/11 01:33 PM Re: How to understand this? [Re: earlybird]
TheBobcatAgain Offline

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 524
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.

I wish to reiterate the excellent point Earlybird made.

His mother saying that HE raped HER is nothing more than the act of an abuser shifting the blame of the abuse from herself to the victim. It's happened to most of us (if not all of us).

Good luck on both of your recoveries. I, like Earlybird, am glad that you two are tackling this issue while you are both still so young. smile


You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.


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