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#360434 - 04/22/11 03:01 AM aging and being a survivor
healingheart Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 31

Im wondering if there are any gay guys out there over 50 who are dealing with this sexual abuse recovery and issues of getting older as a gay guy.

Ive been struggling for my whole life. Ive been in therapy for years and I see so much healing. I should be really optimistic these days... but truth be told, Im not feeling that way. Im closer to 50 than 40, and I hate to admit this but, I dont see much of a future in terms of love, feeling worthy, and feeling good about myself. Wwhat am I if I dont have youth and attractiveness? I was never that good looking, but I had hope. Now, where's the hope? What does 55 or 65 as a gay guy look like? I have never had a relationship thats lasted longer than 2 years and only 3 of them. Ive never had intimate sex. I want to know love and sexual intimacy. But I dont seem to know how to believe its possible at my age.

I know that the sexual abuse fucked up my attitudes and beliefs. I know Ive always felt so worthless inside that I thought my only worth was as a sexual object. Ive never been particularly handome. Ive done so much healing the past years I can see how traumatized and damaged Ive been.

But I can never have my youth back. I can never have the life I could have had if I'd not been abused. I dont know what the future can look like.

I know Im stupid and feeling sorry for myself. I shouldnt think this way and feel this way. But I do.

Any gay men out there over 50 who have been through feelings or thoughts like me and gotten to a good place? Nothing personal but Im really just looking for gay guys 40-50 and over who have walked in my shoes for support on this...

---- Anything I write is just my opinion and is based on my experience. Everyone is different. There is no one "right way" to healing.

#360462 - 04/22/11 03:34 PM Re: aging and being a survivor [Re: healingheart]
westchesterguy Offline

Registered: 11/14/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: healingheart
...issues of getting older as a gay guy.
....I dont see much of a future in terms of love, feeling worthy, and feeling good about myself.

wow - a guy who gets it! :-)
you aren't stupid or selfish!!!
now, i'm not 50...yet, have three years to go, but could very well have typed what you did anyway.

some thoughts:

physically speaking: maybe you are hot! i was hot, now i'm not. and yet, i realized in the past couple of years that "hot" no longer cuts it. so, what the gay community and madison ave firms think is hot is simply not.
those so called hot guys in their 20s/30s today don't even attract me -- do you know why? nothing upstairs except for hair. lights are out. and i don't say that to offend young guys here - i mean that in terms of the maturity that i seek, the life experiences that form us in time. we have that at 40, 50, and no one younger does. guys our age know we are going to die soon, but we still have it and we are still hot, just different than what we thought hot 20yrs ago. so YOU are hot! smile balding guys are even hotter!

emotionally speaking: think of the progress you've made, think of what you have to offer in the way of understanding, compassion for the struggles other men might have in life. enormously attractive and the best part is, since it comes from life experience and from within, it never ages! :-)

nonetheless, to reality: i'm with you on all counts. i too hold little (actually, near zip) hope to finding a guy. demographics are - against us, lets face it. we are a fringe group within a fringe group. is there some solace here that i find you, wherever you are, saying the same things as me, wherever i am? i think "yes." you, another guy, questioning exactly the same path that i think about fairly often.

so, perhaps for now, all that is meant to be is to know you aren't alone in thought? maybe since two of us exist, there are others? maybe many others -- and maybe he will be close by and hear your quest to find just one other guy who gets it?

there is some hope in that, i think.


#360468 - 04/22/11 06:15 PM Re: aging and being a survivor [Re: westchesterguy]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA

I'm 72 now and I'm not very cute anymore.

The good part is that it forces me (or allows me) to develop really genuine relationships with people. They can't be based on my appearance anymore.

This is a good thing.


#360541 - 04/23/11 02:36 PM Re: aging and being a survivor [Re: pufferfish]
philistine Offline

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 212
Loc: Oregon
I'm 43, my bf is 50, and I kinda like him.


"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

#360546 - 04/23/11 03:58 PM Re: aging and being a survivor [Re: philistine]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 732
Loc: United States
I don't think I was ever cute as an adult, and I'm a couple of years away from 50 now so that's not changing for the better. I don't think any relationship that matters is built solely, or even primarily, on physical attributes.

I'm in a 10+ year relationship now with someone a few years younger than me. I was never a bar scene person and while I'm pretty good socially, when it came to dating guys I was very, very shy.

For me, it was accepting that I might be alone for the rest of my life. Making peace with that possibility put me in a relaxed place where I could be most like myself. And when that happened, I met him.

Nothing is as attractive as someone who is comfortable in their own skin, no matter how old they are.



Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

#360697 - 04/25/11 05:02 AM Re: aging and being a survivor [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/10/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Well I'm 33 and turned down a lot of guys who just wanted me for my body..... you are not missing anything.. ashes in the mouth ....

the real relationship is the deep one that comes from the heart... everything lasting emerges from there.

feeling unattractive and stupid is just your mind talking. stop the tapes and learn to love yourself. this is my lesson for me too.

i just started dating again and i'm shocked that guys are still sending me pictures of their cock... its so disgusting.

#360698 - 04/25/11 05:03 AM Re: aging and being a survivor [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/10/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
also, i found Thich Nat Hanh's writings to be very liberating... things that seem to be a big deal.... are maybe not such a big deal.

#361006 - 04/29/11 05:15 AM Re: aging and being a survivor [Re: risingagain]
Aberrant30 Offline

Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
I just turned 30, and i don't know if i can weight in on the subject but, i got a buddy who's 62, just came out, he has a wonderful boyfriend and his bestferinds with his ex wiffe and his grand kids love the boyferind. Hey there is life after 30...who knew!! huh?

"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

#361163 - 05/01/11 03:38 PM Re: aging and being a survivor [Re: Aberrant30]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my brothers,

Aging & being a survivor.

Well I'm sure aging (72), like my brother Allen here.

But, like Aberrant's friend, I have just recently come out. It was always there but just under the conscious level until all hell broke loose in my mind. Even my wife had seen something in me that I hadn't during those 38 years of marriage. Tons of emotions & feelings for males...none-zero for her nor females in general.
I'm not sure that my (separated) wife is a best friend or not. But what I do care about is my son & my grandsons and their love for their grandpa. real love for this boy/man.

These last 2 days have been hell on me. I am alone. Alone with my thoughts & feelings. In this past week I have gone to a GBTQ center. I was invited to join them in a social gathering. I was with my kind. A boy/man who didn't know himself before.

So here I am, alone with my thoughts, feelings & dreams.

Here I am in these last few days trying to get up the courage to find a partner to share my emotions with, to hold, love & share my new life with.
But being extremely shy & immature i feel that the rest of my life will be empty. Yes I have the loves of my life, my son & grandsons. But that's a different kind of love.

So. I sit here alone with my thoughts, emotions, feelings & dreams. At 72 who needs an old man to share their emotions mentally, physically & love with? In a loving relationship.

Life after 30, 40, 50, etc. Maybe for you. But, after 70 life is almost over with every breath.

And to think that I loved, and still do to an extent, those sexual pleasures & emotional attachment to my sexual abuser

Aging? ...YES Being a survivor?...I sure hope so eventually.

Heal well, my brothers, heal well.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.


Edited by petercorbett (05/01/11 03:41 PM)
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#361374 - 05/03/11 09:41 PM Re: aging and being a survivor [Re: petercorbett]
trb1345 Offline

Registered: 03/10/11
Posts: 73
Loc: NY
While I don't share the same years as many of you, I'm here for ya's smile


Inside all of us there's a wild thing.

-My favorite book.

#361451 - 05/04/11 10:46 PM Re: aging and being a survivor [Re: healingheart]
1lifenow Offline

Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 437
Loc: west coast
I am really new on this path too. i turned 50 last year. Its about your openess, honesty ability to get over the hurdle to trust. I realize its not about the tree rings.

The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. Dalai Lama

WoR Barrie 2011

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