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#360354 - 04/21/11 06:43 AM LINE!!!
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
trigger warning

I am so sleep deprived to the point wher eI m just stupid. 2am and I'm up again with the worst pain...

my therapist today brought up this can of worms and I wish he didn't . I haven't even had enough sleep to process this garbage, I shouldn't have even showed up.

When my assaults were happening, I was forced to do sexual things with the perpetrator. He threatened to kill me otherwise. "Either you turn me on, or I turn you off." My survival depended on how well I "performed" at "pleasing" this freak of nature. He used to tell me that I was "good" at it and told me that I had to be gay, because "obviously" I must have had experience at that sort of thing. I'm not gay, I have never had sex with anyone but my wife, and I i didn't want to do any of these things. If I ever think about what I did, I am so disgusted that I wish I never survived.

The only way I could get through the situation was to pretend I was acting. I used to sing opera and loved character roles the best. my bass range meant that I played hunchbacks, kings, evil sorcerers and bishops...all walks of life, except the young, handsome love interests. that's ok, I had enough loving in real life.

my therapist asked me if I imagined myself playing a role. now that I think of it, I don't know. he put me in the position of playing a role. he took my ability to say any lines because he took away my voice. No arias, no rude, brief recitatives... NOTHING.

i feel like I play a role in my own life right now. the role of my son's father. my wife's husband. I try to act like myself so that I'm not furniture. Starring Peter as... himself???

I recite the right lines and my wife says I'm emotionless. I try to stay in character, and a friend of mine from college asks if I"m OK int he head. the role I'm trying to play isn'te ven goo denough, and I'm not even able to get any sleep because I am in too much pain!!!

I miss the time when acting was something I did for fun and not something I did to survive. i wish I never met with my therapist today. I think i am done with therapy

“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

#360357 - 04/21/11 07:31 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
1.healing Offline

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hi Peter,

We haven't met, but I've seen you around the place, I'm Gary. Sorry your sleep deprived, I'm a bit of an insomniac at times and hate the way sleep depravation feels. Does your therapist work with a doctor who could prescribe something to help you with any anxiety, depression, PTSD and sleeplessness that you're having? It won't fix things tonight, but could be helpful in the future. I used to be opposed to meds for myself and thought I'd be better just to tough things out, but no longer, there are many non-habit forming meds. to help these days.

You just need to get some rest and you'll feel much better about everything else, nothing you don't already know. Can you perhaps take today off, get back on track and rested up? Wish I could do something for you and hope you'll be feeling better soon.


"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

#360358 - 04/21/11 09:28 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
TheBobcatAgain Offline

Registered: 02/13/10
Posts: 524
Loc: AZ, U.S.A.
My wonderful buddy Peter,

Please don't think of giving up on therapy just yet. I know you are sleep-deprived, but maybe once you've slept on it, you'll be thinking more clearly and you could decide then?

If you feel like you are merely playing a role for everyone, then it sounds to me as if you aren't letting others see the real you. Perhaps you are covering up the pain or the shame of your abuse? You know you don't have to hide any feelings here, bro; we've all been there, and we understand. You've got every right to feel pain and grief, and you are not to blame for what happened to you. There's no shame in being a victim of someone else's twisted actions. You had no choice.

Can you look deep in yourself and find out what is bothering you, buddy? I think you can - you're a strong guy. If you find out what it is, will you share it with us so we can help you? Please, buddy? I hate to see you going through this alone; I and many others here love you and want to go through this with you.

You know how hard this is for me, but I will pray that you get some sleep and feel better, buddy. (((((Peter)))))

Pleasant dreams, bud.

Your loving brother, as always,


You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.

#360367 - 04/21/11 10:39 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: TheBobcatAgain]
Aberrant30 Offline

Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
Some times I wonder the same thing Pete. Since it happend when i was young, i'm haunted by one qustion, who am I? Is this really who I am, would i be this person if i wasn't raped at 11 or abused at 4? I'm glad your able to shaer details with us, on this situation, but another part of me is sick to read it. Mainly cause I can't rember stuff like that. I just rember faces, places, events, no words, no tyrades or monolouges supplied by my abusers...all accept david. I hope things get to feeling better for you and you finaly find the peace in sleep. I also wanted to say, I am glad you survied all of it, you helped me in my WORK and in my perosnal life. I know it sounds selfish but..I need you.
Love your brother Tom.

"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

#360371 - 04/21/11 11:32 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: Aberrant30]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007
Peter I just love you so much and wish I had that “thing” that could take away the pain. Many times you’ve been a ray of light when I’ve been in deep ravines blocked by canyon walls to hope’s glow. We’ve grown close over this past year learning to allow each other to see through some of the “play acting” we each had to do at the time of our sexual assaults and find at times we feel we need to do now. In fact far too often it is not what we “feel” we need to do after rape it is what we feel “forced” to have to do in order to function in a world that does not grasp the issue. It is with each other and loving support systems far from here that we are learning to be free to “unplay” the protective roles of survival SA tries to smothers us with.

As did Bobcat, I’d like to offer some caution as to something you said;

“….i wish I never met with my therapist today. I think i am done with therapy”

Peter, if you quit going places that cause you pain I fear your world is going to continue to get smaller and smaller till you end up alone. As painful as it is to say even the lovingness and sweetest touch of a caring spouse/partner can and will, at times, push a trigger that will tilt the victim of sexual assault off center. Those moments are wake-ups to the fact we are not finished with the work of recovery - not a time to sound the retreat. The fact that your T said something that hurt means there was something already there to be hurt. It’s awful but the pain is a sign of progress and that is extremely important as we forge our paths through the sewer of ASA.

Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#360372 - 04/21/11 11:55 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: earlybird]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hi Peter

Thanks fr your post-it struck a chord with me about th acting part and feeling disconnected from self and not knowing who I really am at times.

Knowing me is probably the most painful thing i do-for mug of my life I wanted to be someone else cuz it burt too much to see me for me and accept the loneliness, pain, and rejection the abuse fostered in me.

I've learned in my men's community to safely express those deepest hurts and fears and still be ok-ev en better- with myself. I think they call this "integration" and I want you to know j hear you when you share those ugly parts of what you were forced to do in the abuse-AND I love and trust you more now that you expressed this deep hurt and shame.

Reading your post- You are a bigger man in my eyes.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#360377 - 04/21/11 02:20 PM Re: LINE!!! [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 732
Loc: United States

I don't have answers for you, only more questions. I was struck by something you said and can't get it out of my mind:

"The only way I could get through the situation was to pretend I was acting."

I hear this as pretending you were pretending, or acting like you were acting. For so many of us, acting a role is defensive and protective because we can become someone else. Because you love and have experience with acting it almost feels like you were pretending to act to protect your love of acting at the same time you were trying to protect you. Otherwise, weren't you just acting?

Is there two layers of pretending now, or just one? If you still feel like you are pretending to act in the roles you talked about, does the two layers make you even more distant and remote to those around you, perhaps with the goal of making you feel more protected?

Maybe you can find a time and place to spend one hour not acting at all. Wear who you are and how you feel in this moment and let it in.

When you were pretending to act during the assault, you were protecting you. Who are you protecting now and is it really needed?



Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

#360421 - 04/22/11 01:30 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: 1.healing]
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Hi Gary,

I do think about going on meds for depression. I think of clinical depression as a chemical imbalance... so if I wasn't clinically depressed before the assault, then I don't know if the feelings I have would really be depression or just trying to cope.

without going into TMI, I already see a cardiologist, pulmonologist, physiatrist (not psychiatrist), gastroenterologist, endocrinologist, urologist, nephrologist, not to mention all the other professionals I deal with like home care, physical therapy, my T, etc. Let's just say it's complicated. At this point, I don't think I can handle the idea of adding yet another doctor and more meds. Although maybe all the meds I'm on are causing chemical imbalance & depression... I don't know. I get ativan sometimes, which can help with sleep or keep me from getting badly triggered when I'm in a situation that I know is going to be very hard to go through. I sometimes worry that when I take it, I'm holding myself back from recovery and trying to avoid my issues.

“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

#360428 - 04/22/11 02:14 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: CruxFidelis]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
I have taken vitamin B-complex tablets for years. Vitamin B-complex helps the nervous system remake new brain cells and other cells. It also helps with the function of the nervous system. I believe that in healing our brain needs extra vitamin B. Symptoms of deficiency are itchy skin possibly with small red itchy spots. If you get too much of it your urine will turn yellow so it's easy to tell if you're taking too much.

I think I had long-term sleep deprivation which of course kept getting worse and worse. I would force myself to keep going even if I was tired.

My body reacted to this and the stress of PTSD by making me hungry so that I would overeat. Overeating is a vicious cycle. Once a person starts to become overweight, and to feel perpetually tired, they just want to 'sit there.' That in turn makes them gain more weight. Solution of the sleep problem helps with the overeating problem.

My doctor gave me a pre>

#360432 - 04/22/11 02:45 AM Re: LINE!!! [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Some more ideas.

When your brain is changing because of stress or treatment for it, you will crave Calcium. You might recognize it in a craving for calcium - rich foods. Milk and cottage cheese.

I use the dried milk powder made into liquid milk. It contains no fat. This is important because the fat part of the milk (cream) makes weight control more difficult. It also contributes cholesterol and if the milk contains any pesticides or chemicals they will often be associated with the cream. Therefore if you avoid cream you avoid these chemicals.

Another idea used with torture survivors: Write out your story in great detail. You don't have to show it to anybody at all. You don't have to post it here. But once you write it all out then your mind will feel free to start to forget it because the record is "out there".

You will need to talk out your story over and over until your brain gets tired of it. You can talk it out with a T OR with a trusted friend. It is not recommended that you talk it out over and over with your wife.


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