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#358787 - 04/06/11 01:40 PM WALK LIKE A MAN
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
Castle, RM, CruxFidelis, Anthony39 I'm thinking of you guys and and any other young Dads here while I accept and deal with my shit.

I'm at the point I where I think I put the abuse in the right place, where I can really say I deal well with the obvious effect, and where I can say I have made promises and kept promises that were designed to help me heal. Some of what I try to do here was part of that promise.

What slams me down face first full speed to the floor is how it can and has effected my relationship with 3 awesome kids. In other words I really don't care anymore what happened to me at 10. I do really care what it took from my kids and what it takes from me as a father. How do they heal?

You guys have a few years to really nail this and get it better than me. By their age 12 (call it puberty) if you don't have your act down you will spend a whole lot of time looking back shaking your head and either feeling like a tool or realizing that you really are a tool.

The measure of our success as parents is not their grades, their varsity letters, leadership positions in school, SAT's etc. That's all their wins. If you like who they are it is still their choice to be the person you see. Good parents can raise bad kids, bad parents can raise good kids.

Besides their health and happiness I think the measure of our success as parents is the quality of our relationship with our kids. We are not their friends but we should have life-long bonds that are based on a lot more than blood alone.

I should not be able to build a long lists of all the stuff I wish I had done otherwise. I don't think I should be able to say that twice my son has broken bones, twice doctors asked me what I was missing in this picture (side note: the term "walk it off" was fine for a broken wrist, not as good advice for a broken leg). Man I can remember him giving me his F.U. Dad look when the doc said it was broken after all.

Bottom line is get it right now because I don't think this is one you can fix during your recovery once they are teens. I know how crazed it can be with lil guys in the house. Listen real good and learn from my mistakes. This is one you need to get right here and now....

Springtseen has a song about getting closure with his Dad. I played it real loud today in the car:

WALK LIKE A MAN http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LwNPvRvFhKg

I remember how rough your hand felt on mine on my wedding day
And the tears cried on my shoulder I couldn't turn away
Well so much has happened to me that I don't understand
All I can think of is being five years old following behind you at the beach tracing your footprints in the sand
Trying to walk like a man

By Our Lady Of The Roses we lived in the shadow of the elms
I remember ma draggin' me and my sister up the street to the church whenever she heard those wedding bells
Well would they ever look so happy again the handsome groom and his bride
As they stepped into that long black limousine for their mystery ride
Well tonight you step away from me and alone at the alter I stand
And as I watch my bride coming down the aisle I pray for the strength to walk like a man

Well now the years have gone and I've grown from that seed you've sown
But I didn't think there'd be so many steps I'd have to learn on my own
Well I was young and I didn't know what to do
When I saw your best steps stolen away from you
Now I'll do what I can
I'll walk like a man
And I'll keep on walkin'

No replies needed on this one guys. Just let it be......




Edited by kb8715 (04/06/11 01:46 PM)
_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#358791 - 04/06/11 04:21 PM Re: WALK LIKE A MAN [Re: kb8715]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
Keith,

Thanks for that man. I value your imput especially when it comes to parenting. I'm barely starting my boys are 4 and I realize that my main handicap, is that i don't know what it's like to be a kid. It doesn't matter, I do the best that I can do, and I am fighting really hard so that I can be a better person and a better father. I love my boys and I have to be consistant in their lives, to be their guide. My bagage sometimes gets in the way of that.

When I'm at my wits end and I see black I watch this video and remind myself that I can do it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flRvsO8m_KI

Cheers Bro

Anthony

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#358795 - 04/06/11 05:06 PM Re: WALK LIKE A MAN [Re: Anthony39]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
No replies..phoey...only the queen can tell me what to do..sometimes.;)

Special K,

I hear ya..have heard ya from day 1...time has not run out, I hope at some point you can figure that out....there is no rewind button..and I know you miss the early years..but in missing those years dont let these years slip through your fingers...they have much more to learn from you, and you them.

Secondly, you blame you, I blame some asshole rotting in a grave whom took "keith" from his family. For the faith based I hope hes rotting and burning in hell.

In all this, you have a great core biological family, and a pretty good support group of people whom value your opinion and thrive because of your support.

Remember yourself in this crazy thing we call recovery..There is one to blame....his name is not Keith.

Unfortunatly you bear the harsh realization nd maybe some acceptance of the effects it had on your family...but you were not a fool...the perp was very skilled...believe that and hear me.

I too am not enjoying acceptance.

Love,
H


_________________________
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#358876 - 04/07/11 09:13 AM Re: WALK LIKE A MAN [Re: Castle]
r.m. Offline


Registered: 01/18/11
Posts: 106
Keith,

I am amazed daily by the kind words and tireless work you put in for all the new people at the site. It amazes me that something so wrong, so vile, so hurtful could have been done to someone at such a young age and that that little boy could grow into such a kind and caring and helpful individual. Some say it goes both ways. There are some out there that don't make it to the point you're at. Some don't make it out of their teen years. Some don't make it out of their cycle of "why was this done to me?" and "I just can't get past this.". You've taken inventory of yourself and you've put the events of the abuse where they belong. You've gotten past certain parts of the affects of it and made a pact with yourself to help others in their time of need. Many would say that's commendable. Keith would say, "That's just paying it forward." True, on both accounts.

When I see responses to newly joined members here who are scared and apprehensive about posting and sharing (I was one of them not too long ago), it never fails that someone mentions that there are great guys here and guys who really care. Every time I read these words, I think about all the great guys that I've met over the past few months and agree whole-heartedly about that classification. There are some great guys here. I'm one of them. You're one of them. You know what? Everyone here is a great guy. Being a great guy and helpful and caring doesn't mean we don't need to have someone help us up every once in a while. We all have faltered in our recovery. We've fallen. We've gotten pushed. Sometimes we can get up by ourselves. Sometimes we need the help of others. Luckily, with the great guys who are here, there are any number of people who are able, willing and interested in helping anyone else out just like someone did, no doubt, for them in the past. When you have this type of support, there's no reason to deny yourself that help. The support system is a two way street. For some, it's a highway. For others, there's not a lot of traffic going in one direction. That's okay. Traffic has to flow to the side getting help before it has a chance to leave to give someone else help. When all of the traffic flows out of the giving help area, you have to have traffic flow back from the getting help area. It's a cycle.

Many of us here struggle with the concept of family. We grew up thinking we knew what it meant to have a family and for the most part, that family was good. What did we know. Well, it turns out that the "family" we knew growing up wasn't what it was all cracked up to be. We find out later in life that our childhoods were riddled with abuses, secrets, inappropriateness and the like. We start recovery and begin to heal and realize that we now are able to form our own relationships and "family" outside of the one we grew up in. What power this gives us. So, we build and maintain these relationships and base the relationships on a commonality of our lives. We grow closer and realize soon enough that you care about this person more than you've cared about any of your birth family because they understand you. They know what you're going through. They get it. Don't deny the people that care for you more than many others in their life the opportunity to be there for you in your time of need. In our fragile self-confidence, we can easily see that "pulling away" as something more than what it really is. We may start to question our relationship and wonder how you really view us. We don't want to think that and in our heart of hearts, we know that you love us just like we love you. Let us be there for you. Let us take care of Keith just for a little bit. Yes, we know 99% of the time, Keith doesn't need anything from anyone else, but that 1% is when your support core is going to swoop in and get you back on track. Let that happen.

Keith, you may remember when I told you after we first met that I didn't like the word "brother" because it had such an ugly and disgusting meaning to me. Recently, I've changed the concept of that word from being ugly and disgusting to being beautiful and embracing. I've been using the term with several of my very close friends here. It feels good. Every time I write the word "brother" when referring to my friends here, it gives my pride and joy. Never would I have thought after recovering my memories that I would ever expect to use that term again. The people here have changed my mind and it feels great to call you and several others my brother. Brothers, in my understanding of the word, do what they can to help each other out at any time. I take that responsibility very seriously and I don't use that word flippantly.

Once again, Keith, I take your advice and I ponder it and apply it to my life. When I read the words you write above, it sounds more to me like a listing of regrets and self-failures. It's so easy to find the things that we should have done. The could haves and would haves. We can dwell on those for days. The thing is, what's in the past is in the past. Those should haves, would haves and could haves will never happen. Not in the time that we talk about them. So, instead of looking back and saying the I should have and would have and could have, we look forward and say the "I wills".

Talk it out. Vent it out. Reach out. We are here. You know that. We know this happens. Let us be here for you so you can be there for so many others.

Love you, brother.
B


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#358908 - 04/07/11 02:14 PM Re: WALK LIKE A MAN [Re: r.m.]
poppy Offline


Registered: 07/19/10
Posts: 19
Great post Keith, even I learn from you!

Thank you! smile


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#358913 - 04/07/11 04:01 PM Re: WALK LIKE A MAN [Re: kb8715]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Such a good song smile

I wish my dad was still around when I got married. He was the only thing missing in my life that day. Now that I have a baby boy of my own, I miss having him around to talk to, to show me how to be a dad. At the same time, maybe I should be grateful I had a good dad in the first place, even if he is gone.

I've got my baby son lying down next to me right now, taking his afternoon nap. I live for his slobbery little baby kisses and my heart just aches whenever I can't be with him.

I am still writing him his guide to life... A roadmap for navigating through this world. I keep starting and stopping the project because I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.

He is so easy to connect with now. He has such unabiding trust in others... me, his mom, his aunts and uncles, his nanny, grandparents, anyone else who takes good care of him. No clue how evil some people can be. His innocence and unconditional trust give me hope that maybe there is still some good in this world. But I do have a little anxiety about how our relationship might change as he grows up and it might become more of a struggle to connect with him, as it is a struggle for me to open myself up to just about anyone.

_________________________
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

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#358924 - 04/07/11 06:55 PM Re: WALK LIKE A MAN [Re: CruxFidelis]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
Pete you will always be a great Dad. That's my point...that you are doing this all now so you have no regrets.

Just keep doing what you are right now and you me and Re_Pete are on the boardwalk at Spring Lake sooner than you think. Tell ya what. When you are ready the NJ MS mob all go and bring our kids...even mine.

Keith

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#358993 - 04/08/11 10:35 AM Re: WALK LIKE A MAN [Re: kb8715]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
hey..I get whats being said...but even working on this stuff..is not a given im not gonna screw things up...I'm trying not too though and will continue too.

Looking forward to the boardwalk and some good times.

H

_________________________
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