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#357532 - 03/24/11 12:00 PM Changing Dreams
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Might be triggering...

Some months ago my nightmares changed from sexual assaults to just physical violence. I dreamed last night that I was trapped in a car under a man. We were both fully clothed and he was hurting me. He was also injecting something in my hip to knock me out I guess. Not sure where that came from since nothing like that happened that night. I felt I could barely breathe and wanted to cry out from the pain was dared not do so.

I really want to think that there is a progressive something to this. That the shift in nightmares means I am moving in some direction. It is what so many therapists wanted me to do - face the violence part of my kidnapping and not just the rapes. Just the rapes? That sounds down right stupid, eh?

Mya nger is very high right now but I am back in my excersise routine and it feels good. I am hitting the track after work for 45 minutes. That helps get a lot of the tension down some. I am also trying to read a book on male rape that I bought weeks ago. A very rare thing to find. I cannot seem to get very far without my mind going backwards to certain things.

Like I said as rough as this gets I still cling to the idea that this is progress.


Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#357537 - 03/24/11 12:41 PM Re: Changing Dreams [Re: prisonerID]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007
Morning Daryl,

I want to support the idea that this is possibly a shift (possitive) from what seemed the most horrific (the rape) to what is easy to inore (the violence). What I do know is that having a place, and men around you, that you can openly talk about these dreams and not be dismissed is priceless and healing. I believe eventually leading us all to a place of only sweet dreams.

Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#357540 - 03/24/11 01:03 PM Re: Changing Dreams [Re: earlybird]
bluejay Offline

Registered: 02/23/11
Posts: 51
I think the violence is worse. The only thing it ever served was tremendous fear and a true sense of worthlessness. The combo of violence, then rape, well that's the stuff that stops me dead in my tracks when trying to deal with this.

With that said, I think it's great that you, Daryl, are having these dreams and making progress with that part of it. It gives me hope that maybe I can get there too.

#357547 - 03/24/11 01:40 PM Re: Changing Dreams [Re: bluejay]
Obi Offline

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1634
Loc: kansas

thanks for this... i've been having nightmares off and on for a while now too... mine are more about being abducted/chased... always wake up right before. scared and exhausted. takes me a while to get back to sleep.

i have to believe it's something to do with perhaps my abusive past trying to get to me but i always wake up, get away, right before i get grabbed or taken...

thanks for giving me a positive look at it... grant it, it's still scary but at least i can look at it that it's good that perhaps i'm making progress too...


live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

#357559 - 03/24/11 04:04 PM Re: Changing Dreams [Re: Obi]
Darkheart Offline

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
It is hard i know, my brothers. But i promise you...sweet dreams will come...20+ years for mine to stop...but they have for the most part.

I agree that they may be working your psyche through the next process. Be open...



My Story...

#357616 - 03/25/11 03:42 AM Re: Changing Dreams [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
Hi Daryl,

I know what you mean about the feeling of someone being on top of you being present in a dream. You probably know more about the psychology of dreaming & of sleep from your counseling background so I won't go on and on, but there is the phenomenon of sleep paralysis that can create that feeling even in people who do not have trauma. That being said, I am sorry you experience so much pain during a time that is supposed to be restful and peaceful. You truly have suffered enough as it is, it seems very unfair that you would have to suffer in your sleep, to. frown

I think one of the things sexual assault does to us is that it is kind of like your brain is this filing cabinet, and it takes everything and dumps it on the floor, then it takes all the folder and all the files and dumps them into one big heap and you're left trying to put things back in chronological order, sifting out all the garbage that some sociopathic schmuck intermixed with all the good stuff. I am probably just saying stuff you already know but maybe your mind is just going through another category of the experience and you have the opportunity to hold onto who you truly are as a man, and cast aside all of the trash that is from the assault... and by trash I mean self-blame, guilt, shame, self-destructive behaviors, misdirected anger, etc. I can't tell you how things are for you, but when I isolate the sexual assault from the physical torture, I feel guilty because I feel like I cheated on my wife. When I see it in the context of the physical torture I see that it was something he used to break apart my sense of self and take away whatever masculine dignity I had left. Reconciling the two types of abuse helps me to understand that it wasn't sex at all, it was pure violence using sexual themes.

It is horrifying when feelings of physical pain can come back long after the pain happened to you. I feel like I am really losing my mind a lot. It is like I never passed out and my nerve endings are telling me the things I "missed."

it's hard to say anything because I feel like such a n00b at dealing with all this ASA stuff. I wish I could tell you how to get the nightmares to go away. But, all I can say is that I think you are really strong for dealing with this and I wish this didn't have to happen to such a good person.

Your dorky little brother,


“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross


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